crzywriter

~

valeca

I'm thinking there is one too many wrongs in there

I was trying to read through, but I kept losing my place. If you could put some paragraphs in to break up the large blocks of text, I can go through and give it a proper reading. It's too hard on the eyes to read as it is. But I like the premise so far.

Thanx Crzy

__________________
"...make your own nature, not the advice of others, your guide in life." --Pythia, Oracle of Apollo at Delphi

I'm here.

valeca

lol, Mia....would that be 'great minds think alike'? Or 'fools seldom differ'?


We posted at the same time..lol

__________________
"...make your own nature, not the advice of others, your guide in life." --Pythia, Oracle of Apollo at Delphi

I'm here.

Yamato145

Just wondering ...
have you read "Things Fall Apart" or seen "Saikano (She, The Ultimate Weapon)" i think youd like them!

__________________
"Those who dance are considered insane by those who can't hear the music"
-George Carlin
Why is common sense so damn uncommon in this country
peep the space: http://www.myspace.com/yamato_ishida

crzywriter

ahem...yes...didn't realize that i'd forgotten the spacing...changed that now...hehe

and yamato, i have read things fall apart and my god i hated it.

and yes, miawriter, you were right. there were too many 'wrong's in there and the first one should actually be 'right'

so, would anyone like to see the rest of this chapter?


~Crzy

Queasy Dillo

Now that this is readable (and I currently have nothing better to do) I'll throw in my two cents.

It has some rough edges, but pretty solid otherwise. Some of the sentences don't quite flow and that detracts a little big. But not as much as some of the stuff posted here, and I find the content intriguing.

My only technical issue is the cyanide pill. As far as I know, such pills have a latex coating, which is easier to bite through and is also more durable than glass.

So yeah, go ahead and post the rest of the chapter.

__________________
You have not yet begun to scratch the surface of my depravity.

crzywriter

well, thanks for the info about the cyanide pill, dillo. didn't know that.

will post rest of chapter tomorrow
~Crzy

Queasy Dillo

I'm just loaded with useless information

__________________
You have not yet begun to scratch the surface of my depravity.

crzywriter

apparently...

hmm...i never woulda thought of latex. seems to me like that would be harder to bite through...but i grudgingly trust your judgment, dillo





~Crzy

Yamato145

kay ... guess i was wrong ...
but did you like the whole thing about shit getting worse and worse?

__________________
"Those who dance are considered insane by those who can't hear the music"
-George Carlin
Why is common sense so damn uncommon in this country
peep the space: http://www.myspace.com/yamato_ishida

crzywriter

~

crzywriter

comments?

please?

i'd bribe you...but i have nothing to give

jetmanjake

I'll jump in. You can bribe me with comments

Your opening scene is so-so; you'd probably catch my attention more if you started off with killing the President; that's got some pazzazz to it.

You run a bit of a risk in developing Nikolai on the first page and then killing him off right away; Sergei isn't as interesting early on, and with Nikolai dead we don't really have any character to cling to.

On a larger scale, I like the idea of a war as being profitable, and the idea of enemy troops on US soil. Not sure about the "bad guys" being Russian though; it seems a little tired. Maybe the group is made up of a number of ethnicities? Maybe not.

What else do you want to know?

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The beautiful part of writing is that you don't have to get it right the first time, unlike, say, a brain surgeon. - Robert Cormier

crzywriter

nah, they ain't all russian

honest...there's a whole bunch of them...they just mostly have russian sympathies.

sorry that i killed nikolai off...he's really a nice guy...and sergei's just a bastard, trust me.

next chapter (which i still need to finish) i think that my main character really emerges.

i will consider the killing the president off-thing first...in that case, should i just drop the whole first section???

good...if i can bribe you with comments, i think we can get along good...

~Crzy

jetmanjake

Yeah, I work cheap.

You may want to get another opinion, but in my mind the first scene is fine, but it doesn't really grab my attention. I've read books where russian guys with lots of "i"s in their names talk about losing wars. I haven't read any where a russian guy busts into the oval office and shoots the president in the head. That's more interesting.

Oh, and waiting until chapter 2 to introduce your main character is fine; it worked for shakespere

__________________
The beautiful part of writing is that you don't have to get it right the first time, unlike, say, a brain surgeon. - Robert Cormier