By the Cold, Clear Waters (tentative opener) - Writers Forum

cyberspecter · 02-07-2005, 10:07 PM

I'm sure this needs work, but I would like to know if it works at all...

Thanks in advance!

Trevor Foote walked confidently down the street. In his right hand was his white cane, folded up. He easily avoided the boy on the skateboard. Near a doorway, a lady dropped one of her bags. Trevor picked it up and handed it to her.
He felt good. No headache today. The air smelled clean and he could feel the warmth of the mid-afternoon sun on his face. He smiled and nodded a greeting at everyone he passed. He even waved at more than one car passing by.
He got to the station and went inside. It was absolutely no trouble navigating the halls. The stairs were a breeze and he avoided bumping into desks this time.
The sounds of computer keys being pecked and voices intermingled with the ringing of phones. It was more like home than his quiet apartment would ever be.
“Hi, Sam,” he said as he opened the door and stepped into Sam’s office. He shut the door, went to the chair and sat down flawlessly. “May I come in?”
“What now, Trev?” Sam asked. His voice carried mild amusement. That was a good sign.
“I want to come back to work.”
“Trev…” Sam began. He sat back.
“No.” Trevor stood up and leaned on the desk. “You have to let me come back, Sam. Did you see me come in? Look at this.”
Trevor held up his white cane.
“You walked here, huh?”
“Yep and not one accident I might add.”
“That doesn’t prove anything, Trev.” Sam sighed and picked up his…coffee cup. Yep it was definitely his coffee cup. “Tell officer Shaw to come in here will you.”
Damn. Telephone. Ah well. It was a minor thing and no one knew. Small objects were still mostly guesswork.
The door opened and a woman walked in.
“Trevor Foote, I’d like you to meet officer Emily Shaw.”
“It’s a pleasure to meet you, mister Foote.” She extended her hand. Trevor took it in his.
“Please call me Trevor,” he said. She smells good, he thought.
“You can call me Emily.”
“Ok, Trev,” Sam said. “Here’s the test.”
Trevor frowned at Sam. This didn’t sound good at all.
“Emily, slap Trevor.”
“You want me to do what?”
“Go on. Slap him.”
“It’s ok.” Trevor grinned at Emily. “Give it your best shot.”
Emily just stood there. Sam was silent. Trevor’s grin started to fade though he tried his best to maintain it. The clock ticked thunderously in the silence.
“But Captain,” Emily said very slowly. “He’s blind.”
“Am I?” Trevor said. He reached out and grabbed the nearest object without hesitation. It was a desk lamp. He set it gingerly back on the desk.
As if that were a signal, Emily swung her right hand at his face. He easily moved out of the way and caught her wrist. A tad clumsily, he thought, but I got it. He let go and turned to Sam.
“Wow,” Sam said. “I’m impressed.”
It was a nod. Trevor was positive. Sam had nodded his head at Emily. Had to be. He turned his head and ducked just barely in time to dodge another slap. He blocked the next one.
“Ok, that’s good enough.” Sam said.
Trevor smiled at Emily and sat down. Emily stood for a moment then seated herself as well.
“You aren’t blind?”
“Yes and no,” Trevor said.
“Trev is somewhat unique,” Sam said.
“I passed your little test, Sam,” Trevor said. “Are you happy?”
“What color is her hair, Trev?” Sam’s voice was just above a whisper.
Damn. Damn it all to hell.
“That’s not fair,” Trevor growled.
Emily’s gaze went to Sam, back to Trevor, then to Sam again.
“What’s this about?”
“It’s nothing, Shaw,” Sam said. “You can go now.”
“Very well, Captain.”
Trevor pounded on the desk hard enough to shift most of the contents.
“Damn it, Sam. That wasn’t fair.”
“I had to do it, Trev. I’m sorry.”
“Shit.”
Sam stood up, walked around the desk to stand near Trevor. He was wearing Old Spice cologne; the scent was not overpowering but rather comfortingly familiar.
“We go back a long way,” Sam said softly. “But, an cop needs to be able to discern more than just the general shape of objects. You know that, Trev.”
“I just want to work again,” Trevor said.
“I know,” Sam said. “I know.”
Trevor got up slowly. They hugged briefly, then Trevor turned and went to the door. He opened it up, but paused a moment as a thought occurred to him.
“What about consulting?” He turned to Sam. “I could be a consultant.”
Sam stood quietly for several moments. Then he shrugged.
“I’ll see what I can do,” he said. “But I can’t promise you anything.”
“Understood.”
Emily was standing just outside the office waiting for him. She was holding something… a helmet.
“Hello again,” she said. She dropped the helmet.
Trevor caught it in mid-air and handed it to her grinning.
“Got you stumped, don’t I?”
“Yes.”
He took off his sunglasses. He heard the sharp intake of breath. He sensed her hand going to her breast. She even stepped back like most people do when they see for the first time that he had no eyes. Just empty sockets.
He replaced his sunglasses and started to step around her.
“I know it’s none of my business,” she said. “But…”
“How do I do it?”
“Yes.”
“Haven’t a clue.” He tapped his temple with his index finger. “Something got re-wired in here when I was shot on the job. Now it’s like looking through an opaque window, like the ones in bathrooms. I can sense shape and movement, but not details like color or texture.”
“But,” she said hesitating slightly. “Your eyes. What happened to them?”
“The guy that shot me,” He pointed to a faint scar just above his right eyebrow. “Took them as souvenirs.”
She just stood there. He wished he could see her. Then again, he thought, maybe not. Not if she was disgusted by him. Then again she could be waiting on you, dummy, he thought. Ah hell. Never get anywhere if you don’t ask.
“You want to get a drink?”
“Yes,” she said. “I would like that.”
“You drive,” he said.
She stood there for a moment, then burst out in laughter.

drbubba43 · 02-08-2005, 02:30 AM

I like this piece. The diologue, characters and overall pace were well done. My inital reaction to the first handfull of lines was that you were overemphasizing the idea that he could actually see, though I was more than intrigued enough to keep going. The description of him gliding through the station into his bosses office was very well done. For me one of the best parts of the piece.
The scene in his bosses office felt a bit hurried. What was there was well done, but I felt we moved from him greeting his old boss to the slapping part a little too quickly. Perhaps a little more background on Sam and Trevor's relationship or a little more about Trevor's past attempts to get his job back. I think that might help explain a little better why Sam would go to bat for Trevor in spite of his handicap. It would also make Sam's request to have Emily slap him a bit more plausible.

As for whether I'd use it as an opener. Depends. If this is going to be a novel and the emphasis is on Trevor solving a crime, then no. It would work better as a second scene introducing your principal players. I'd open with something hinting at the crime Trevor will be involved in solving.

If this is going to be a short story or the emphasis is going to be on the relationship between Trevor and Emily, then yes I think it will work.

Ray

Ps. I just had surgery this afternoon and I'm up late because I'm too uncomfortable to sleep. If I sound like I'm rambling, I probably am...

cyberspecter · 02-08-2005, 02:44 AM

I am sorry to hear about your surgery. I have had more than my share of surgery, so I'm sorry to say I don't want to trade places with you.

Thank you for the critique. I really appreciate your comments and will paste them to the blank page I put before my stuff so that I can keep helpful advice right at hand.

edited to say: You're right. I need the crime. Was going to put it in prologue. Wanted to get this out of my head first, but I think the prologue if I write one should be him getting shot.

CS

Aevin · 02-08-2005, 02:57 AM

I liked what I read, but I found the beginning somewhat slow. Actually, the way you described it reminded me absurdly of the movie "Groundhog's Day." Near the end of the movie, the main character has memorized where everyone will be, how they move, and so he is always in the right place at the right time, miraculously pleasing everyone. Okay, so it's a vague parallel, but ...

I would suggest starting the story with something a little more wierd to get the reader's attention. The scene between Sam and Trev would be a good place; I feel like that's where the story really begins. All of what you described beforet his could be summed up by your line of dialog where Trev explains he didn't have a single accident on the way in.

Other than that ... pretty entertaining. At times, it seems a little too lighthearted, but it does make me curious to see where you're going. Good job so far!

--Aevin

drbubba43 · 02-08-2005, 03:26 AM

Quote:

I think the prologue if I write one should be him getting shot.

I dunno if I would go that way unless the shooting directly related to the crime Trevor is to be involved with. Specifically, unless he goes after the guy who shot him. It is to much a part of the past at this point.

I would start with something more immediate. Even if he is after the guy who shot him I would portray him purpetrating some new crime. As for elements of Trevor's shooting you might consider showing us that as a series of flashbacks or nightmares. It might be interesting to have these flashbacks provide clues or insights that lead to the solving of the current crime.

Dark Aevin is right about the piece feeling very light hearted. That could work for you though if you contrast it against a very dark background.

I would look for an opening that is very dark and forboding. Shadowy and ill defined like Trevor's "vision."

Just some thoughts... Hope they help

Ray

cyberspecter · 02-08-2005, 07:10 AM

Aevin and Ray:

Thanks for your comments! I appreciate you taking the time out to read and critique this.

You've both given me some good idea's.

CS

valeca · 02-08-2005, 08:43 AM

Very interesting premise..I like it.
Only a few minor things caught my attention.

Quote:

Sam sighed and picked up his…coffee cup.

Don't need the '...' We get that Trev tries to figure out what it is in the next bit.

Quote:

It was a nod. Trevor was positive. Sam had nodded his head at Emily. Had to be. He turned his head and ducked just barely in time to dodge another slap. He blocked the next one.

This chunk is a little bumpy. Maybe expand slightly on what Trev sense's here.

Quote:

But, an cop needs to be able to discern more than just the general shape of objects.

Pretty sure this is just a case of fingers working too fast

I do it all the time. 'an' should be 'a'

I like the idea that Trev is blind but can sense things. Could be a very interesting story behind that idea. Looking forward to reading more.

mammamaia · 02-08-2005, 10:43 AM

i don't see anything wrong with using this as the opening to a novel... i disagree with putting the crime he's going to solve up front... although, if done only very briefly, in an italicized prologue of no more than a page and a half, it could work...

i do like the light-hearted touches and would certainly be intrigued enough to read more of this...
that said, i'm not so sure you're on solid ground with him 'seeing' shapes and such... if you tie it to a sort of radar/sonar pickup, such as bats use, then it could make scientific sense... but not as 'seeing' of any kind, since he has no eyes and thus no way for any 'images' to be registered and transmitted to the brain...

all in all, you're a much better writer than i'm used to seeing on boards... keep up the good work and i'm sure i'll see your not-so-blind hero on the book stands one day... might even buy it!

love and hugs, maia

cyberspecter · 02-08-2005, 01:56 PM

Maia,

that said, i'm not so sure you're on solid ground with him 'seeing' shapes and such... if you tie it to a sort of radar/sonar pickup, such as bats use, then it could make scientific sense... but not as 'seeing' of any kind, since he has no eyes and thus no way for any 'images' to be registered and transmitted to the brain...

You bring up a good point here. I was originally thinking of sort of a (and this sounds stupid as I'm typing it) thought radar. Like brain waves that go out pick up the surroundings and bounce back to the optical decoder in the brain which then shows him images but not detail. I'll see how I can better work this detail out.

all in all, you're a much better writer than i'm used to seeing on boards... keep up the good work and i'm sure i'll see your not-so-blind hero on the book stands one day... might even buy it!

Wow, thank you for the compliment!

sincerly,

Paul

swisstony · 02-08-2005, 02:40 PM

It's got a decent feel and rhythm, but there's something jarring about his jaunty manner and the fact of his eyes being cut out like trophies. If this is conscious, it does make me wonder how he can trip along like a merry gent. I guess without more it's difficult to accept that he can be positive and happy and a bit jaunty and have had that happen to him.

The writing doesn't seem to be 'inside' any of them either, even in third person, there's no inner monologue to flesh out his view or person. I'm not talking a clunky paragraph of it, but flashes of it interspersed with the narrative, something to hook the reader into him.

drbubba43 · 02-08-2005, 02:49 PM

Just thought I'd throw in my 2cents.

Why do you really need to explain it? That was already dealt with when Emily asked him how he did it and he said he had no idea. Perhaps not knowing why it is happening becomes an agonizing side to his personality?

Some of the best horror/supernatural fiction explains very little. If you make the talent consistent, make it work in a reasonably predictible way you will go farther selling it than trying to explain how it works.

Reason is that once your audience begins to understand it's "mechanics" and become comfortable with what it can and cannot do they will apply their own reasoning behind the how it works.

On the other hand once you explain how it works you've made it concrete and a portion of your audience will reject the story and the explanation just because the how is not what makes sense to them. And really, is the the reason it works all that important to the over all story?

Most readers of supernatural fiction are more than willing to suspend belief and go for the ride as long as it is fun and entertains. The mystery is often part of the fun. Don't spoil it with too many details.

Ray

cyberspecter · 02-08-2005, 06:19 PM

Well I don't know what to say. I expected about the same number responses for this that my short story got. I'm overwhelmed and gratified by not only the positive comments, but the quality of the negative and the suggestions to fix it.

Thank you all so much. I truly am happy I found this site.

Humbly,

Paul

mammamaia · 02-09-2005, 09:00 AM

ray has a good point... his mysterious ability doesn't really need explaining... and pretty much all the other comments were well-founded, imo... with a little work, this could be a compelling beginning to a 'good read'... and a nifty new series hero... would sure sell well with the many physically challenged readers among us!