Phil

Here's a little fiction that I've started on. Its pretty much one of my first serious attempts at creative writing, so if you could give some advice that would be great.

Any ways here goes nothing...


As dusk approached, the harsh wind began to stir up again despite the afternoon’s calmness. The air carried a deep and biting chill, while the soft white snow that had fallen gently to the ground but hours before was now being whipped up into the air, dancing, as if in a last attempt to reach the clouds from which it came. Despite his best efforts Terrigan could not seem to make any meaningful fire. While the little one he did manage seemed horribly inadequate and did little to protect him from winters bitter touch. It had been four days now since he set out from Bering’s Bluff, stuck in the middle of nowhere and with little extra clothing he cursed his bad luck and lack of foresight.

“It seems I’m stuck now, aren’t I? Perhaps I should have brought those blankets after all.” He mumbled partly to himself, partly to the mule.

Terrigan was huddled with his back to a large gnarled tree, the bark of its trunk had been stripped long ago by hungry deer. The chill was strong, but his fatigue more so and despite the blowing snow his eyes grew heavy. Snapping out of his stupor he looked over his shoulder he saw that even his mule appeared slumped and tired. The beast paid little heed to its master and instead sheltered itself as best it could beside a thicket. They had gone a long way today, and it was hard going on the animal, let alone himself. The snow was deep and powdery and was coated in a thick sheet of ice that had formed in the warm of the sun the day before. It made the going much more difficult as the ice was sharp and hard on the mule’s legs. In any event they had to make good time tomorrow to make up for today, if they expected to reach Vess in three days. For now they could, rest. Although bitterly cold, Terrigan could feel his eyes growing heavy once more. He put a few last logs on the dieing fire, curled up against the tree, and fell into a deep sleep.

Light crept out slowly the next morn, almost as if it were hiding from the night’s storm as well. As the first wary rays made it over the horizon Terrigan started to stir and looked half eyed about his surroundings in the early morning gloom. The air was crisp and clear and he could see the shadow of his mule shuffling in the now deep snow, when it snorted, large thick billows of steam were emitted into the chill air. As he looked about he saw the dark forms of new drifts, and the heavy blanket of snow that now covered almost everything. So much snow infact, he was half buried in it, and it took him more than a few moments to shake free of his temporary confinement. Soon the sun rose in full secure in the fact that the storm was gone, although its rays provided little warmth for the weary travelers. Breakfast was meagre at best, in his haste Terrigan packed little but the essentials, and even then, some of those he lacked.

“Damn Dealen why did you do that, why did I ever put myself in this mess, what do I get now?” Terrigan was in a terrible mood and his thoughts were wandering.

Queasy Dillo

Writing a western, are you? Sounds kinda like it. Which is good...because I like westerns.

A couple of items here.

The opening is fine, but seems a bit awkward after the comma.

Delete 'while', 'gently', 'but','being', and 'from which it came'.

You can replace this comma with a semicolon

You could break this into two sentences. Take out the 'and' in the middle, starting the second at 'With'.

If this is a western, you'll want to destroy that proper English. Very few people speak textbook today, and even fewer then.
Again, break this into two sentences at the comma.

I'm not sure I get your meaning here.

This should be 'dying'

Could be better phrased as 'and even then he lacked some of those.'

Break this into three sentences. Also, I'm not sure about 'what do I get now?'

And that's my take on it. You have the beginnings of an interesting story here (i.e., where is he going, why....stuff like that). I have a story titled 'The Bounty Hunter' that begins much the same way. I'd be happy to post it if you're interested.

So keep it at, maybe work on your comma use and some minor dialogue changes.

Just my $.02, though. Make of it what you will.

__________________
You have not yet begun to scratch the surface of my depravity.

demonic_harmonic

Hmm.. use another word inplace of 'meaningful' to describe the fire.


Perhaps break up the second sentence somewhere.


This does not seem like a complete sentence, especially with the word 'while' to start it off.

You may want to reword this. It doesnt make much sense. Why would the blowing snow NOT make his eyes heavy?



For now, they could rest.





Watch this... you are using the word cold a bit too much, plus, the cold makes you tired. Thats why they tell you to never purposely go to sleep if you are stuck in freezing temperatures. You could die. So the fact that he is tired is natural.




Make two sentences out of this if possible.




This is very run on.



Overall, if you fix these mistakes, it will be a good first attempt.

Phil

Thanks go out to both of you for the advice. I know I have a long way to go in perfecting my writing, and appreciate the help you've offered. I will definatly take these crits into consideration when I edit the story.

By the way, Queasy Dillo, I'd like very much to see your western peice. Although mine was intended to be more fantasy oriented, I can definatly see now how you would think it's a western.