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Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Posts: 1
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Opinions please
Hi.
I have posted the below under the username soze, this is not usually the username that i use for these forums, however after you read it, if you read it you may understand WHY, i created a new user to post it under. if not i shall explain, i was at work, feeling a little down, i have always wanted to write a novel but can even think of an idea, i find everything about the whole process really hard, and i have really lost confidence in my ability, so the body of the post below started life as a written down slating (put down) of myself!
With that said, after i wrote it, i figured that i may be able to use some of it in a first person thriller novel and so i thought i'd post it, i thought that it sounds a dit depressive and so rather than use my regular username i used this one, wrong? maybe, but i hope people don't mind, please let me know what you think? and apologies if it offends anyone, i just wanted to write something.
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I was trying to be really unbiased in my opinion. Not many people really take a good look at themselves, at least no one I knew, or if they did they didn’t discuss it with me, but then again, would they discuss it with me? I am sure that my friends didn’t tell me everything; there must be parts of their lives that I knew nothing about. So perhaps my friends did analyse themselves from time to time, but were they as negative about themselves as I was about me?
Some days, most days even, I would be ok; I would wake up, come to work, do what I had to do then I would leave and go home to my partner and my kids and I would be content in my little existence, mostly. But other days I would dwell on things and ponder on how shit I was at everything, how insecure I am, or how fat I am and things would just drag me down.
I am intelligent enough to know that feeling this way was stupid, as I am not shit at everything, however I do seem to be shit at the things I want to be good at, if that makes any sense? And to compound it all, the crowning turd in the water pipe if you like is that I have real apathy toward it all. I start well, and get really enthusiastic, but after a short period of time, perhaps days or even hours, I get bored, and I give up and can’t be bothered, and I hate myself for being that way, but I can’t seem to help it, its In my makeup, my genetic code states that I although I give a shit, I really can’t be arsed to do anything about it.
In fact, sitting here now, and trying to analyse myself, I cannot think of one good thing I can say about myself. I am overweight, by about 1.5 stone, which with a bit of exercise and good eating I could probably shift in 6 months, or even less. But I cannot motivate myself to go to the Gym, although I don’t eat too badly, but even them I’m prone to a bit of chocolate or a McDonalds. I am losing my hair, although to be fair, in reality it’s just going a bit thin on top, and I am 38 years old, so everyone tells me, “wow, you’ve done well lasting that long” which isn’t really much to aspire to. And on top of that, I think that I shouldn’t accept the “you’ve done well” line, I’m Steve goddammit and I can’t be losing my hair!
I consider myself ugly. Although perhaps ugly is a bit harsh, maybe not ugly, but I consider myself unattractive, why. Well its because I don’t really have much success with women. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a geeky little idiot, and I can talk to women given the right situation, and I have loads of girls as friends, I’m just initially not confident when chatting to woman I have not spoken to before, although once I’m going I am fine.
People have told me that I look like a thug, being just over 6 foot tall, a bit of a beer belly, short brown hair, roundish face and people pigeonhole me as some sort of yob, but I don’t think I’m a yob, I don’t hang around in a gang, or look for fights or anything of that nature, but at the same time, I can see what people mean, when I look in the mirror I can see how they come to that opinion, and because of it I feel unattractive.
I see guys in nice expensive suits and decent hair style, they may be in a bar having a drink and a laugh with their friends, most of the time they will have a good looking girl with them, and they are full of confidence, all having a good time, gets in his high end BMW, and I look at myself, and hate it. I have never had the confidence to speak to women. Don’t get me wrong I do speak to women, and have been out with plenty of girls, but never really had the “gift of the gab” with them, and I have never really felt like a woman “wanted to know me”.
My main concern is that these feelings are going to get worse as I get older, I hate getting older, I fear it, I can feel the changes in my body and I feel old and weary, but I know there is nothing I can do about age, it happens to us all, and I can’t really speak to my mates about this, they will either take the piss, or dismiss it as me being silly, and can you imagine trying to strike up a conversation with a stranger about it, my good, that would be funny. I you tried to chat to a guy about it (not that I would) he would think I’m gay (which I’m not) and if I managed to speak to a woman about it, she would think I’m either some sort of deranged nutter and/or on the pull.
I’m wondering! Is it a psychological thing? Or is it something in the way I was brought up? I’m an only child, but my childhood (what I can remember) was a happy one, my parents were not really strict, I’m fact I think they were too easy going, neither are amazingly confident people, and neither have had really good high flying careers, so perhaps the way I am is a culmination of this and a lack of a very good education.
The above I wrote out without really thinking about it, the catalyst for starting it was because I want to write a novel, I have bought various “how too” books and tried to think of an idea, but I cant think of anything and it was annoying me, so I figured I would just write something down. In truth I think that these “how too” books can bog you down, and maybe if you cant think of much, the best thing is to just chat about anything as I have here. Although after reading through all the above it make me look like a manic-depressive, which I’m not. I am trying really hard to think of a good story, but I can’t, and trying to develop a character is difficult too, I am beginning to think that I would rather just read books, instead of write them, but then again I know a few hours or days from now I will just give up trying to write my story anyway, so does it really matter?
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