Edit of my earlier Mechwarrior Story. - Writers Forum

Czerez · 10-27-2004, 12:16 AM

Ok so its the middle of the week. I got it out earlier than expected *pats self on back*. Anyways, Since all that read it seemed to think is needed a LOT of work i edited some detail and tried to just plain fix it up some. This time i am looking for more critique, but also (as before) how does it flow this time?

I really want this story as a basis for other things i am doing, so if you can almost picture the scene in your head please let me know. Also tell me if it need further detail here or there. OK well thanks.
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The hundred-ton Omnimech came roaring around the corner of a building at sixty kph. Its bird like feet clawed at the ferrocrete, ripping up gouges as it went. As it passed, the giant right shoulder mount brushed a building, tearing a chunk out of the concrete and removing armor. Though not nearly the amount of armor that the Particle Projection Cannon and Autocannon blast’s following the mech would have.

As it straightened and drove deeper into the city fewer assaults came. It seemed that pursuit had been lost when twin ER PPC blasts flew by mere meters in front of the cockpit. The man made lightning causing the radar to fuzz for a moment. Then the radar showed a puma that must have gotten a visual at mid range.

Palen Quest, who piloted the one hundred-ton Omnimech hissed in vexation. He needed to get out of the city. Not fool around with a stupid 35-ton mech.

The Miasma Cat turned to face its opponent and opened up with its own Extended Range PPC’s. With a slightly more advanced targeting computer, and slightly more luck, one of the white blue bolts of man made lightning hit. The impact removed the hunched over Puma’s armor and caused the war machine to reel back as it tried to maintain its balance. As the Puma reached the apex of the tilt, the assault mech released its most dangerous weapon. Palen pulled the first main trigger, and the Ionic Plasma Cannon on its right arm boomed once. The charged shell screamed over the ferrocrete road, crossing the distance in under a second.

When the shell hit the Puma, the force tore the right arm off. Then the explosion removed most of the armor on its right side. With half the armor lost in a flash, the smaller mech tilted to the left side and fell backwards, crashing into a storefront. Its squat down design, reverse jointed legs, and turtle shell top made getting the Mech back up impossible. If it was still operational.

With the threat temporarily removed Palen turned the Miasma Cat and again charged west. The Miasma Cat for all purposes looked like a Mad Cat. It reverse joints and inhuman design mainly attributed to the Clans. Its Missile racks weren’t blocky structures on the shoulders though. The Miasma Cat did not use the same larger sized missile packs, so its shoulder design was more egg like and sat slightly lower and away from the squared body.

As the assault mech thudded forward across the city Palen became aware that he had not even seen another contact on his radar. As the notion that the enemy may be jamming occurred to him it was set in stone when forty Long Range Missiles roared in at him from a main intersection. As the computer picked them up, two Laser Anti-Missile Systems on the Miasma Cat’s top belched lasers that shredded the first twenty. The next twenty hit the Miasma Cat’s left shoulder and peppered the left side, tearing off armor, which flew away twisted and torn.

Ignoring the attack from the Mad Cat Palen continued driving forward and looking through the front view screen for other more immediate targets. He could keep away from the heavy class Mad Cat. Though it was smaller, it was only a fraction faster. In the city environment they were in higher speeds increased the chance of crashing into something.

Palen also scanned the compressed view of the area around the mech as it passed alleys and side roads. He was looking not only for enemies but also for his spotter. His spotter was piloting one of the very fast assault mechs known as a Shadow Stalker. Which sported an Electric Counter Measure suite, otherwise known as an ECM. Which would make enemy radars, and targeting computers, useless.

The Shadow Stalker was designed on the same premises as the smaller Shadow Cat chassis. With its extreme jut forward cockpit and side set arms, it looked like a Shadow Cat in steroids. It also sported the same reverse joints and a slightly hunched over design. Though the Shadow Stalker was underpowered in weapons, meant to act more as a heavy scout mech, than a front line unit.

As Palen neared the edge of the city he increased speed to max and prepared to drive through any attacks on his way to the thick forests on the outskirts of town. The Fusion reactor below his feet roared louder and a wave of heat moved into the cockpit.

Palen shook his head. Even though mech technology was very sophisticated they all had the same basic flaw. Heat. Though the reactor could power almost anything it put out an immense amount of heat, as did firing lasers, energy weapons, and overusing the myomer muscles that gave a mech movement.

Just as he broke cover to start the kilometer run to the forest, forty Long Range Missiles screamed in at the area around him. Half were torn apart by the LAMS and only half of the rest hit doing minimal damage, but damage nonetheless. Realizing that the run there would not be fun with a missile mech on him, Palen pulled the giant omnimech into a turn to face the enemy. Forty more missiles roared by aimed for the spot where he should have been.

At this time two things happened, first was the realization that the mech he was against was a very dangerous Longbow. Its shoulders and arms were both over sized launch racks. It stood on two pillar like legs, and could launch eighty LRM’s in one shot. It also weighed in at 80 tons, only a little les than his putting them in the same weight class. The second thing that happened was the appearance of his spotter a hundred meters in front of him.

Palen Quest was one of the greatest mech warriors in the newly founded Mystic Tiger clan, but trying to aim around an eighty-ton machine was not possible. He could feel sweat begin beading on his forehead. He thought only for a moment, his mind being swift and calculating.

Palen turned his machine to the right and twisted the mechs torso left. The Miasma Cat leaned to the right and turned to face its new opponent. This made aiming harder but also made it possible to fire around his spotter, as she was moving at an angle away from him.

Palen moved the targeting reticule over the Longbow Palen, swinging his mech arms to face the missile mech. As the reticule went green he squeezed the trigger on the left arm Ionic Plasma Cannon and the two ER PPC’s. The IPC round hit the longbow in the left torso, removing most of the armor in a single shot. The two PPC’s missed their mark. The man made lightning smashing into buildings in the background.

The Longbow straightened and took aim, but not at him. The eighty LRM’s left the launch racks and screamed in at the Shadow Stalker.

The Shadow Stalkers own Anti-Missile System tore the first dozen from the air, but the rest hit across the side of the giant eighty-ton war machine. As the right arm flew away, taking with it a large chunk of armor on that side, the assault mech lost balance. Traveling at almost ninety KPH the Omnimech plowed into the ground twisting the left arm off and removing armor. The mech slid for a second then rolled onto its front, crumpling more armor and almost crushing the jut forward cockpit with it. Smoke began billowing from openings in the armor, and coolant from a destroyed heat sink spilled onto the ground like the blood of a giant.

Palen did not stop, he continued forward waiting for his weapons to reload. In the moments he had Palen turned the mech left again so it was traveling straight at the Longbow. He heard the clank of the right arm IPC reload a second later and took aim. Though the weapon was one of the most powerful around, it suffered in reload time and ammo reserves. He pulled the trigger.

The giant weapon boomed once more and the shell plowed into its target. The explosion crumpled and twisted more armor off, but not before the mech could unleash its own arsenal. The eighty Long Range Missiles spiraled out at Palen, but did not target. A few smashed into armor, but most missed. Palen fired the two ER PPC’s again. This time it worked.
The Longbow began spouting fire from its torso as the head came apart and the ejection seat was launched upward. The once great missile mech exploded as the remaining ammo cooked off and the core went critical.

Palen slowed his Miasma Cats forward speed and turned back to where his spotter had gone down.

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PS: i would like to note that even though i added details, you might still want to go look up a couple pictures for reference. As knowledge of at least what Mechwarrior ,and a Mech looks like, is definitly helpful.

Also i have a kinda part two if ANYONE is interested or liked it

Marska · 10-27-2004, 12:41 AM

Pictures always help, but if you need them, your getting around the point of writing.

What an imporvement though!

What a little editing can do.. Your still writing fan fiction, now its just decent. Your still missing the point of the exercise, to create a picture without pictures.

You added some emotion, thats fine and dandy, but there still isn't any point to the story. The whole thing is interesting, as I like the imagery, but you use the same description twice for the PPC, it sounds horrible and well, reused.

If I were you, the next story I write based on a coherent universe, I'd throw out all the terms and work on descriptions.

Why is it called a Mad Cat?
What is it called a Puma?
What do they look like?
What do the weapons look like when fired?

Use the names as an ending for the description.

"I always thought of that thing as some small little fool who had the best posture in the world and could always stay bent at the waist, hidden low and out of site; that is of course until he pounced on you from behind"

Describing a Puma. See my point?

Your still not adding reasons why, not explaining any backstory which is fine if you don't care about someone reading this, but it needs to fit together. Someone can accept that in an alternate universe there are giant war machines (heh heh) killing eachother, but you need to give reasons why.

The problem with fan fiction is that it relys on the vice that everyone who's reading SHOULD know whats going on. The last thing that sort of thinking does is help one write a coherent story.

Same problems, different package.

Czerez · 10-27-2004, 12:50 AM

Ah....scratch that.
*looks down and breaks disc story is on*

Ok when i read your reply i came to a mental conclusion. To write within this current univers, its either gonna be a detailed boring wreck, or im gonna get yelled at for not getting to the point. Not giving background info, or details.

See im only trying to describe a small battle scene in the Mechwarrior universe. Unfortunatly i can't grasp it as its own story. have you ever learned anything about the Mechwarrior universe??
To put it simply its huge. Its just not possible to give enough background and details in the space i have allocated to myself, as its only a few pages. Its depressing but i do think this is an idea at the end of its rope.

Thanks for the extremely fast reply. It did help, just not in the way i'd expect it too.

Marska · 10-27-2004, 09:10 AM

Is there a reason why you would need my encouragement?

The story flow is fine, some problems with details but you just need to find your niche and work on it. You did a decent job with the scenery, but it still lacks that oomph. The feel that there are one hundred ton masses of metal, things flying around, and you failed to pick up on the state of mind of the pilot. Alright, he is getting annoyed over things, but is he anxious, what are his worries?

As say a short story on its own n a fan fiction archive somewhere, people will like it. I always point out things that make a work PUBLISHABLE (as I see them) and point them out. If you formed a novel or an extended short story around this, that would work, but your failing to capture the emotion, state of mind, and details that are needed for an audience that is ignorant of what you are talking about.

Use metaphors and don't like anyone say what you can or can't do. Take these posts as what they are, a critque, not a total "keep to your day job" thread. Most people here won't ever enter the realm of professional writing for one reason or another, but it doesn't stop any of us from improving the skill we do have.

Take these posts as a critque and use the advice given. Nothing more and less if you care to.

asdar · 10-27-2004, 09:47 AM

Don't give up on it! You can definitely save this with no more words than you have now. I agree with Marska completely but you don't need more words OR to gum it up with boring details. The details you need to add will increase the excitement.

Quote:

The hundred-ton Omnimech came roaring around the corner of a building at sixty kph. Its bird like feet clawed at the ferrocrete, ripping up gouges as it went. As it passed, the giant right shoulder mount brushed a building, tearing a chunk out of the concrete and removing armor. Though not nearly the amount of armor that the Particle Projection Cannon and Autocannon blast’s following the mech would have.

This is a good paragraph, it grabs the reader with action right from the start.

How about,

"The hundred-ton Omnimech came roaring around the corner. Its bird like feet clawed at the ground leaving gouges of ferocrete in it's wake. As it passed the building, the giant shoulder mount tore a chunk out of the concrete, damaging the protective armor. "Damn", thought Palen, cursing the damage. Mech's were vulnerable and his mission was too important for him to fail. Like a true MechWarrior he never gave a thought to how failing in this mission would certainly cost him his life."

Something like that would give it a quick meaning and still hold the readers attention without deviation. There's almost the same number of words in this edited version so it's not so much that you can't do it in the space you have.

The bird like feet and tearing ferrocrete are wonderful images. Kudos on a great story and I hope you don't give up on it.

asdar · 10-27-2004, 10:18 AM

I meant to add some about how you can turn this into a stand alone piece that also has the feel you want.

Tell the readers why he has to get out of the city so badly, tell us what the Mystic Tiger Clan is and their place in the world. Tell us briefly the situation the world is in.

These things take one or two paragraphs, not a lot of writing or words at all. Trim up your own paragraphs to include information relating to the world within them. I can see whole paragraphs that could be taken out without damaging the story at all so it can be done.

I believe it would be easy to turn this into a very good stand alone story with fewer words than you have now.

Talia_Brie · 10-27-2004, 10:32 AM

You just recently took me to task on background info in my story, and I countered by saying, "remember you are not looking at the entire work here". We're not looking at the entire work here.

Some of what Marska is said comes from that. He appears to be talking about the piece as if it is a complete work in itself, which it isn't. When he says he doesn't see the point, it's because he might not be seeing that this is a few pages of battle sequence that will fit into a larger work.

That being said, not everything he said can be mitigated that way.

So I read through his crit, and I've come up with this observation/advice. You seem to be treating the Mechs as characters (you can correct me if I'm wrong). Think about the sequence again, and focus on the fact the Palen is the character, and the Mechs are weapons.

What you did here was better, because you did write the story for people who were not entirely familiar with Mechwarrior. The added details were placed in there seamlessly, and that was really well done. Using the full term for the weapon first, then reverting to abbreviations was fine. But I felt the story is lacking any character. Make Palen the main character. Get into his head as he pilots the machine around, and then put the reader there.

Also, as Marska pointed out, you used the phrase 'man made lightning' about 3 or 4 times. point one is it should be 'man-made lightning', and point two is you should only use that phrase once. The repetition stuck out.

Asdar's advice to make this stand-alone is probably solid, but I think you need to consider where the peice is going to end up, and decide if it is even necessary.

But essentially, the best advice I'd be willing to offer is to make Palen the character, and everything else tools. Not sure how you'd do that, but give it a shot.

Czerez · 10-28-2004, 09:09 PM

Entire work or not, i can't seem to put enough information into the story to make it a stand alone. At least in my mind i can't.

If anyone out there has played any of the games, or read the books, please help me if you want to. Other than that its really hard to explain.

*shrug*

Talia_Brie · 10-28-2004, 10:25 PM

Any more information would need to come either before or after these events. I don't think it can stand alone because it doesn't go anywhere in itself. It's a step between plot points.

Forget about making it a short story, because that isn't going to work. Instead try to make what you've got better, and more connecting with the reader.

Czerez · 10-28-2004, 10:45 PM

Originally there waw the star league, lead by an Alexander Krensky. At some point he picked up when the great houses started fueding,and jsut left for space with most of the mechs and mech forces.
A long while later these strange mechs start attacking, whats now called the Inner sphere. The attackers are Alexanders decendants. They call themselves the clans. Theres six i believe.

Thats just a very brief overview thats still a few years and details behind where my story is taking place.

http://www.geocities.com/waterboy032...pship-down.jpg (Mad Cat)

http://www.geocities.com/waterboy032986/shadowcat.jpg (Shadow Cat)

http://mechfactory.witchrealm.net/pursprofile.html (Puma)[kinda]

If you can help me come up with descriptions that would be cool. Oh and im not trying to be lazy, i work 12 hours two days in a row, then all weekend. Plus i want to see how you would do it, maybe it'll inspire me.