daytondamn

It was just like trying to draw a straight line. One knows it isn’t possible even before they set out to do it. The only hope of success is to ignore the reality that it cannot be done, touch the pencil to the paper, and begin. I try to keep my ideas and words focused together, lined up and ready for use. I try to sway as little as possible. How can I make this line straight?

I imagined my mother opening the letter with her letter opener; sitting at her kitchen table with her legs crossed, treading her eyes line by line down the page after she had it unfolded. No one writes a letter without a reason. Shame and disgust need not enter in this situation. This must be done and there was a way of going about it. A letter offered no chance for her interruption or rebuttal. She would surely read every word of it, most likely much more than once. It would cut her deeply and insult her perhaps. I’ve always been proud of my handwriting. What do I want her to see? I want to make her hand fondle inside her purse for her checkbook; take out a pen and make one of the checks out to me. Get an envelope. Write my name and my address on it. Place it in the mailbox.

My hands grinded in and out of each other as I tried to decide how to begin. Should I start by calling her ‘Mother’ or ‘Mom’? This decision would strongly influence the tone of the entire letter that was to follow. ‘Mother’ was perhaps too serious and seemed to carry a negative connotation. I decided upon ‘Mom’ because it sounded more friendly and positive. Mom. This is the word I used to call out to her when she was actually there. It seemed correct to use it here to begin my letter.

‘Mom,
It’s a great relief to be writing you after so long. With the weight of life temporarily lifted off me, my hands are free for a short time to write this to you now. I’ve been working everyday. When I come home I find I can barely stay awake long enough to eat a meal and take a shower. Now with some free time I must write you simply to say ‘I love you!’ and that I sincerely hope you are in the greatest of spirits and enjoying all your days!’

I am in good spirits myself. I am busy and that alone keeps me fulfilled and happy. My steady work gives me no time to focus on the negative. But as you know the winter is coming and I am prone to ravaging sinus infection. It seems as if I have succumbed to my fate slightly ahead of schedule this year as now it is only just October and I find myself with quit an infected sinus. My nose is brittle and sore. My throat burns and quivers. I am up all times of the night coughing. I am becoming steadily weaker and more tired. I lack certain things that I need to tend my sinus. I have already finished my only box of tissues and my leaking nose will soon be through my last roll of toilet paper. Also, In the past I have found great relief from a bottle of saline solution. When its cold wet mist sprays up into my nostrils I am soothed if only for a moment. I also do not have any tea in the house. I feel that this refreshing, warm drink would offer me much comfort and relief from the symptoms that ail me. Also If I were to have some hard suckable candies or cough drops perhaps my symptoms would not be so strong or persist as long. Payday was just recently but you see that I have not felt well enough to go out and pick up my check or travel to the bank to carry out the necessary banking involved with getting some money so that I can purchase these items and ease my suffering. What makes things even more troubling is that with my rent being due very shortly and my inability to cash or even deposit my check it seems that I will have no way of paying the rent on time unless I am able to obtain money quickly or I miraculously regain my complete health. I have been in this condition nearing three weeks now. That is to say that I have not been to work in three weeks and the repercussions of this will be long lasting. I had decided to refrain from writing you up until now, only because it seems that many of the problems caused by my increasing illness will now remain far after I have reclaimed good health and I desperately require aid. You see I first fell ill at work and as I was driving home that night I felt increasingly sick and in the midst of trying to blow my nose and control a fit of coughing, I ran my car off the road and caused some damage to it. I cannot yet say exactly the cost of the damage. My left taillight is completely broken. If this isn’t fixed soon surely I will be pulled over one night on my way home from work. Who can afford an expensive ticket from the police? Somehow I will find out the price of the damage; only the damage that must be repaired. I do not mind minor scratches or dents left un-repaired. I only want my car to be legal on the roads so that I may travel to and from work without worry. When the police came to the scene of the accident I told them I was fine and proved to them that I was sober. Even so they required that I be admitted to the hospital. I was there for just over a day and now I am facing a bill that makes me furious and further frustrated and generally unwell. I truly feel buried alive underneath my circumstances. Even right now I am becoming tired and feel that I must cut this letter short to save my strength. Your reply alone will make my days brighter! I hope this letter finds you in good times and I sincerely wish that all is well with you.
-your son’

As I run the envelope across my tongue I envision her folding the letter back up and replacing it inside the envelope. She slowly removes her glasses.

It has now been several weeks with no reply.