daytondamn

It was just like trying to draw a straight line. One knows it isn’t possible even before they set out to do it. The only hope of success is to ignore the reality that it cannot be done, touch the pencil to the paper, and begin. I try to keep my ideas and words focused together, lined up and ready for use. I try to sway as little as possible. How can I make this line straight?

I imagined my mother opening the letter with her letter opener; sitting at her kitchen table with her legs crossed, treading her eyes line by line down the page after she had it unfolded. No one writes a letter without a reason. Shame and disgust need not enter in this situation. This must be done and there was a way of going about it. A letter offered no chance for her interruption or rebuttal. She would surely read every word of it, most likely much more than once. It would cut her deeply and insult her perhaps. I’ve always been proud of my handwriting. What do I want her to see? I want to make her hand fondle inside her purse for her checkbook; take out a pen and make one of the checks out to me. Get an envelope. Write my name and my address on it. Place it in the mailbox.

My hands grinded in and out of each other as I tried to decide how to begin. Should I start by calling her ‘Mother’ or ‘Mom’? This decision would strongly influence the tone of the entire letter that was to follow. ‘Mother’ was perhaps too serious and seemed to carry a negative connotation. I decided upon ‘Mom’ because it sounded more friendly and positive. Mom. This is the word I used to call out to her when she was actually there. It seemed correct to use it here to begin my letter.

‘Mom,
It’s a great relief to be writing you after so long. With the weight of life temporarily lifted off me, my hands are free for a short time to write this to you now. I’ve been working everyday. When I come home I find I can barely stay awake long enough to eat a meal and take a shower. Now with some free time I must write you simply to say ‘I love you!’ and that I sincerely hope you are in the greatest of spirits and enjoying all your days!’

I am in good spirits myself. I am busy and that alone keeps me fulfilled and happy. My steady work gives me no time to focus on the negative. But as you know the winter is coming and I am prone to ravaging sinus infection. It seems as if I have succumbed to my fate slightly ahead of schedule this year as now it is only just October and I find myself with quit an infected sinus. My nose is brittle and sore. My throat burns and quivers. I am up all times of the night coughing. I am becoming steadily weaker and more tired. I lack certain things that I need to tend my sinus. I have already finished my only box of tissues and my leaking nose will soon be through my last roll of toilet paper. Also, In the past I have found great relief from a bottle of saline solution. When its cold wet mist sprays up into my nostrils I am soothed if only for a moment. I also do not have any tea in the house. I feel that this refreshing, warm drink would offer me much comfort and relief from the symptoms that ail me. Also If I were to have some hard suckable candies or cough drops perhaps my symptoms would not be so strong or persist as long. Payday was just recently but you see that I have not felt well enough to go out and pick up my check or travel to the bank to carry out the necessary banking involved with getting some money so that I can purchase these items and ease my suffering. What makes things even more troubling is that with my rent being due very shortly and my inability to cash or even deposit my check it seems that I will have no way of paying the rent on time unless I am able to obtain money quickly or I miraculously regain my complete health. I have been in this condition nearing three weeks now. That is to say that I have not been to work in three weeks and the repercussions of this will be long lasting. I had decided to refrain from writing you up until now, only because it seems that many of the problems caused by my increasing illness will now remain far after I have reclaimed good health and I desperately require aid. You see I first fell ill at work and as I was driving home that night I felt increasingly sick and in the midst of trying to blow my nose and control a fit of coughing, I ran my car off the road and caused some damage to it. I cannot yet say exactly the cost of the damage. My left taillight is completely broken. If this isn’t fixed soon surely I will be pulled over one night on my way home from work. Who can afford an expensive ticket from the police? Somehow I will find out the price of the damage; only the damage that must be repaired. I do not mind minor scratches or dents left un-repaired. I only want my car to be legal on the roads so that I may travel to and from work without worry. When the police came to the scene of the accident I told them I was fine and proved to them that I was sober. Even so they required that I be admitted to the hospital. I was there for just over a day and now I am facing a bill that makes me furious and further frustrated and generally unwell. I truly feel buried alive underneath my circumstances. Even right now I am becoming tired and feel that I must cut this letter short to save my strength. Your reply alone will make my days brighter! I hope this letter finds you in good times and I sincerely wish that all is well with you.
-your son’

As I run the envelope across my tongue I envision her folding the letter back up and replacing it inside the envelope. She slowly removes her glasses.

It has now been several weeks with no reply.

Judy

First, you got me to read past the first paragraph, which is saying something good. I couldn't understand what the string thing was about, but I stayed with you to find out. I guess you could call that compelling.
Ground not grinded.
I thought the beginning was interesting. When I got to the actual letter and saw how long one paragraph was, I sorta quit on you. I'm not saying it wasn't interesting, I just didn't want to tackle so much print. In newspapers the word is "white space." White space opens up a story. Makes it more accessible, I think. Anyway, I didn't finish reading it, but only because of that. Maybe you could use some quotation marks to break it up.
You may throw all this in the garbage if you like. It is, after all, just one opinion and the world is full of opinionated people who don't know what they're talking about!

DawnMorningStar

Hi daytondamn,

I like your set-up and the imagery in this piece, and your words flow well.

I have just a few nitpicks for you, and you can take them or leave them.

I'm not sure I understand this sentence. How does one's hands grind in and out of a letter? Perhaps a different word would more clearly express what you're trying to say here.

"quite"

This would read better as "I need to tend to my sinuses".

This is a nitpicky thing, but "underneath" doesn't quite do it for me. I think it would read smoother as "beneath".

I think you can take out the "right" and have it read a bit smoother.

You seem to switch tenses a lot in this (letter to his mother aside). That makes it a bit confusing to follow. Is this happening right now, or did it already happen? Also, in this last paragraph, you start out by making it seem that just right now he's licking the envelope, but then the last sentence makes it sound like he did so several weeks ago. I think if you put the entire story into past tense, it would flow better and make it a lot less confusing that way.

Still though, I liked the way you presented this. Nicely done.

Aevin

I found the letter portion of the story very enjoyable. It was pretty funny how you began the letter in a reasonable manner, and gradually progressed to a more and more ludicrous and unbelievable situation. By not giving the details of how the character was feeling, you invited the reader to guess how much of his letter was truth. And then, just like the character's mom, readers are forced to realize that this guy's a lying, overelaborating moron. His concern over whether to begin with "mother" or "mom" is hilarious on a re-reading.

I'm getting weak. I have no major criticisms, only the minor grammar/tense things already pointed out by Dawn.

But one day . . . *shakes a fist*

Great job! Very enjoyable to read!

--Aevin

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