Writers Forum - WritingForums.com Home Rules FAQ Members Groups Calendar Gallery Search
» Sign Up «

Welcome to Writing Forums, one of the fastest growing writing communties on the web.

You are currently viewing our boards as a guest which gives you limited access to view most discussions, articles and photo galleries. By joining our free community you will be able to talk with other writers, get feedback on your work to improve your writing skills, discuss ideas, share tips & tricks, network and make friends!

Registration is fast, simple and absolutely free so please, join our community today!

If you have any problems with the registration process or your account login, please contact support.
  Search Forums
Lit.Org - Bootcamp for writers. Post your work and other writers review it, it's that easy.

Advanced Search



Go Back   Writers Forum - WritingForums.com > Creativity > Critique and Advice
Register FAQ Members List Calendar Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Critique and Advice Works seeking critique, advice or assistance.

Reply
 
Thread Tools
Old 09-27-2004, 01:49 PM   #1
Prolific Writer
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Posts: 287
DawnMorningStar
Send a message via AIM to DawnMorningStar
The Shadow (Chapter One, pages 4-6)

As always, comments are more than welcome!



Pleasure…such a glorious wave of euphoria. It washed over him, warming him from the inside out. Quintin’s body was numb and pliable in the firm grip; the sound of his own heart thrummed in his temples. The pain was almost unbearable, but as Adron sucked the life from him, it ceased to matter. He forgot all else save the entrancing seduction of his soul. He wished it could last for eternity. But through the mist and fog of his subconscious, awareness ignited. A wrong was being committed and he could not allow it to continue. Quintin knew that he was being taken against his will. He had been in this position before, locked in the grip of a feasting vampire. He had been bitten far more than his share over the past twelve years. And now, as the blood fled his veins, his inner voice screamed with memories of past attacks, breaking through the hold his enemy held over him at last.

Threading his fingers through Adron’s shoulder-length, cream-colored strands, he pulled, hard, attempting to force the vampire’s lips from his throat. In the same instant, his other hand gripped the wooden object in his pocket. With a quick jerk, he drew the crucifix from its hiding place and thrust it into the horrified faces of his enemies.

Without hesitation, Adron withdrew, teeth ripping from the puncture wounds in Quintin’s neck. His lips were red with the man’s blood, and it trickled down his chin in a repulsive stream. Hissing, he shielded his eyes and stumbled backward in a desperate attempt to find solace behind his cohorts. But to his obvious chagrin, the clan cowered away, shrieking their disdain.

Now free of the piercing bite, Quintin felt his mind begin to clear. Adron’s strong, constant presence faded to but a memory. Ignoring the pain that pulsed like fire through the veins in his throat, he applied pressure to the injury and spun around, holding the crucifix out before him. Those who were gathered near retreated to a safe distance. Pale arms flew up to shield their terrorized faces. Voices rose in rage, shouting obscenities and curses that lingered on the breeze.

Maintaining his guard, Quintin refused to lower the ancient icon. Every second was precious; one ill-timed mistake could cost him his life. Chest heaving with fear and adrenaline, he kept close watch on his enemies, knowing them to be great tricksters.

He rotated within the circle, turning to face the men who surrounded him, one by one. He was unfazed to discover their lack of warm clothing, despite the weather. Harsh elements had no real affect on their immortal bodies, aside from the blistering heat of fire. He found himself wishing for that very thing—a torch or a candle, or the glorious light of the sun. But alas, many hours remained until daybreak, and there was nothing of use nearby. He would have to rely on his wit to save him.

His boots crunched in the snow as he stepped, the long folds of his cloak twirling about his ankles. He exhaled, and a puff of cloud hung suspended before him, the tangible indication of life granting him new courage. As Quintin continued his swift, careful journey around the center of the ring, a lone figure disengaged from the crowd and aimed at his prey. Quintin turned to face him, and was struck without warning by a strong gust of wind. Thrown off his feet, he gasped from the power of the blow. A sharp stab of pain shot through his chest as he tumbled into the snow. The crucifix slipped from his grip. It slid across a patch of ice, skidding to a halt just out of his reach.

“Well done, Morias,” Adron grinned. He kicked at a clump of snow, burying the holy cross beneath a blanket of white. The group of vampires, now freed from their terror, descended upon Quintin once more.

Quintin’s lungs burned and he coughed in pain. Incapable of movement, he lay still as the first tentative touch of their hands fell upon him.

“Give up,” he croaked, voice shaking with the effort of drawing in breath. “It is the only way you will leave this place.”

Laughter rose in an effusive chorus. Their faces drew nearer, taunting him with glowing red eyes and pointy-toothed grins.

“You have courage, I will give you that,” said the man who knelt beside him. His hair was a long flowing curtain of midnight that cascaded down the length of his back. He gazed into Quintin’s pain-wracked features, noting the determination that still burned there, even now. “But unfortunately for you, your bravery doesn’t make up for what you lack in power.”

Quintin shook his head with nonchalance; his scalp sank deeper into the freezing white powder below. Tendrils of cold weaved their way over his cranium like the chilly fingers of death. “You know nothing of my power,” he wheezed. “You have seen me fight, yes…watched as I tore down your own kind one by one. But you have no idea of the tenacity that burns within my heart. It is the motivation that drives me, and I will not relent until every last one of you has been vanquished. You, my dear Jerad, have been granted only but a taste.”

The vampire smirked; in a flash, he was on his feet again. The evening breeze flowed through Jerad’s hair, reminding Quintin of the weaving bodies of serpents stalking their prey. That assessment, he concluded, wasn’t far from the truth. He knew these men—much better than he would have liked. They were hell-bent on revenge; they would stop at nothing until he and every member of his family had been sucked dry.

With effort, he braced himself on quaking arms, wavering a bit. The cold of the ice and snow bit into his palms, but he ignored it, knowing that he must rise and fight if there was any hope of saving Clara and Vincent.

***

The silence was deafening as he crept down the hallway. Senses at full alert, Vincent scanned his surroundings. Thin shoulders rose and fell with every breath, the hairs on his arms standing at attention. It was a struggle to calm his quaking nerves, but he managed to remain silent while he edged toward the front of the house, determined to help his mother whatever the cost.

When he entered the living room, he was relieved to discover that Clara was safe and sound. She knelt on the sofa, clutching the edges of the curtains and peering out the window. Vincent relaxed at the sight, but no sooner did he feel his terror slip than it was back again, stronger than before.

One hand slid from the drapes and came to rest over Clara’s heart. Her eyes grew wide with horror and then fell shut. She turned away from the window, her throat working as if trying to swallow a wave of great emotion. The look of sorrow that washed over her beautiful features caused Vincent’s chest to ache.

“Mother…” he whispered. “Mother, what is it?”



Clara blinked and stared, horrified, at her young son. The features of his face and hair melted together through the blur of her tears, rendering them unrecognizable. But she could read the conviction in the way he carried himself; the set of his shoulders spoke of dedication and purpose.

“Vincent…you shouldn’t be here. Any moment now, they’ll be in the house. You have to get away. You’re far too important—“

“No.”

She gazed at him in wonder. Vincent had never directly disobeyed her before, and most certainly not in a situation as dire as this.

“No, mother,” he repeated, moving to kneel beside her at the window.

She studied him as he gazed out at the mass of bodies that crawled almost spider-like over Quintin’s form. His eyes darted back and forth as he took in the menacing figures, and she heard his sharp intake of breath.

Without warning, he jumped up from the couch, chest heaving. “I cannot allow him to die, mother. Please forgive me.”

Without another word, Vincent pulled the door open and rushed out into the wintry night. Clara hurried to the doorway, calling after her son, but it was too late. Vincent had been seen, and now, all eyes were fixed upon the small boy who trampled toward them. Fearing for his life, she gave no thought to her own safety and ran out after him. A blast of freezing air assaulted her; her face and hands tingled with cold. With each step, her bare feet were swallowed deeper within the earth’s icy belly. The penetrating chill numbed her flesh and slowed her progress. A gust of wind caught the fabric of her skirt, whipping it violently. Shivers wracked her dainty frame, but she hurried onward, intent on saving him.



Vincent came face to face with a contemptuous foe. The arrogance that bathed the man’s features gave him pause. But he stood his ground, staring back into the eyes of a man who had been four times his age when turned. Vincent figured him to be several decades—even centuries—old.

Jerad raised an eyebrow as he met and held his gaze. Vincent had been told many times that his eyes held a startling timelessness and wisdom that bellied his eight years. The fascination in Jerad’s expression seemed to concur with that assessment. As the vampire stared down at him, a smirk tugged at his ruddy lips. Crossing his arms, Jerad circled him, inspecting him from all angles.

“Hmmm…and what do we have here? An evening snack, perhaps…?”

The boy glared up at him with courage, holding the scrutinizing gaze. “I am Vincent Augustine. Let my father go or you will pay dearly.”

Laughter rose and carried on the breeze for the second time that night. Jerad, teeth bared, knelt down beside him, bringing them eye to eye.

“You’re a very brave boy. But like your dad, you simply don’t understand how powerful we are. You would be much better off to go back in the house now and leave us to deal with your father. That is…if you place any value on your own life.”

“I say we kill him regardless!” Someone shouted from the crowd.

“He’s an Augustine,” added another. “He deserves to die.”

Vincent shut his eyes, lost in concentration. He took in a deep, slow breath, attempting to calm his quaking nerves. More of them were approaching from behind, and he counted their steps—1…2…3… When they were within reach, he spun around to face them, hands raised and fingers spread wide.

“Mordeo!” Power tingled from his elbows to his fingertips, and he stumbled with the force. Tendrils of light shot from his hands, branching out in all directions, flashing and twinkling like lightning against the night sky. The brightness blocked out the stars and shadowed the moon. The unfortunate victim’s pale skin ignited in blue flame, taking on a strange, iridescent glow. Those who had escaped the attack scattered like flies, horror and surprise etched in their faces. As Vincent retained his magical hold, a wave of convulsions overtook the vampire’s thin frame, and he dropped to his knees, gasping.

“A mage…” Jerad’s eyes lit up with intrigue. “Interesting…”

Features twisted with pain and shock, Vincent’s immortal quarry reached out a trembling hand. Finding nothing to break his fall, he toppled over into the snow. The frozen earth did nothing to quench the flames. The burning body decomposed and swiftly crumbled to ash.
DawnMorningStar is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-27-2004, 06:17 PM   #2
Writing Machine
 
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Oregon
Posts: 1,954
Aevin is an unknown quantity at this point
First of all, I really liked this. Aside from the fact it is so far focused on Vampires--an overused enemy if I've ever seen one--the story kept me interested the whole way. The fun of this is really in the details and the characters, I think.

I do have a few criticisms, however. First of all, the setting of this scene is very cool, pun intended. I don't know how much you've described it before, but as I read, I pictured the Vampire conflict, and only later do you mention the snow. I would suggest describing the setting much earlier in the piece--your opening paragraph is excellent, but then you go for several paragraphs before mentioning that his boots crunch in the snow. You should delight the reader visually with the snow, blood and vampires earlier on.

Another minor criticism is mostly applicable to the beginning of the story. There are a few paragraphs where certain words seem to stand out. It seems you are trying to use a heightened vocabulary, but the large words sort of clash with the rest. The attention is drawn to these words, away from the story; they don't quite seem to fit. It is especially noticeable in this paragraph. The words that seem a little odd I've highlighted in bold:

Quote:
Originally Posted by DawnMorningStar
Without hesitation, Adron withdrew, teeth ripping from the puncture wounds in Quintin’s neck. His lips were red with the man’s blood, and it trickled down his chin in a repulsive stream. Hissing, he shielded his eyes and stumbled backward in a desperate attempt to find solace behind his cohorts. But to his obvious chagrin, the clan cowered away, shrieking their disdain.
For the most part, your style is very confident and easy to read, but words like these make it sound more scholarly than it should. Even those, such as myself, who know what all of these words mean should notice the way they clash with the simple but elegant vocabulary of the rest of your piece.

And . . . Just for curiosity's sake, how old is Vincent? You refer to him often as a "boy" having to look up to the height of the Vampires. Once, you even call him a "young boy." And yet he's clearly above the age of thirteen or so. When I hear "young boy," I think of someone like, six, or nine or something, so it seems a little inconsistent for me. Just curious. By the way . . . I love that name. Just happens to be the name of one of my characters, too!

In fact, all the names in here were great, and added something to the fantasy tone of the piece. The dark opening also established an excellent tone that worked throughout.

So . . . Overall, this was a very enjoyable read. Good job!
__________________
"Go to, like, greater adventures!"
--Din from Namco's Tales of the Abyss
Aevin is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-27-2004, 06:41 PM   #3
Prolific Writer
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Posts: 287
DawnMorningStar
Send a message via AIM to DawnMorningStar
Hi Dark Aevin...

First of all, thank you for your comments. I realized while reading through them that you probably hadn't read the prolgue and first part of chapter one I posted up a few days ago. Here's the link just in case you're interested:

http://www.writingforums.com/viewtopic.php?t=7493

The snow is actually mentioned almost instantly once the first outdoor scene is shown (it's on page 2 of chapter one). I do agree with you that setting the scene early on is a good approach.

I understand what you mean by the big words, particularly in that one paragraph. My problem is that I seem to get too far into the head of my main character, Vincent sometimes, and it carries into the rest of the story. He speaks in that sort of scholarly way. Thank you for pointing that out. I'll revise it a bit.

Vincent is eight years old in this particular chapter. I'm curious as to why you thought he was 13. Perhaps the way he speaks? I realize it's a bit sophisticated for an 8 year old, but that's one of the things that stands out about him.

You have a Vincent too, eh? For some reason I really love that name now. It sounds...I dunno...regal or something. Glad you like the names of my other characters as well. Usually I have such a hard time with that, but for this story, they just sort of pop out at me.

Anyway, thank you for your comments and for taking the time to read!
DawnMorningStar is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-28-2004, 05:17 AM   #4
Writing Machine
 
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Oregon
Posts: 1,954
Aevin is an unknown quantity at this point
DawnMorningStar . . .

I hope you feel genuinely flattered that I'm reading your work at two in the morning on a school night.

Anyway . . . I read your prolog and first part of this chapter, and taken as a whole the story does seem much nicer. I especially liked two paragraphs--the one where you described Vincent and Quintin reading together, and, naturally, the one where Vin blasts the Vampire. I agree with you about the vocabulary working given Vincent's character, and it's only when the real action starts that it becomes cumbersome. There was one line that bothered me in the first section. You write, "Before he could stop him, Adron's teeth sank into Quintin's throat. " For me, that line is much too abrupt. Why can't he stop them? Are the other vampires holding him down? Is Adron ridiculously fast? There are all sorts of possibilities, but you leave it a little too open. For me, this image of Quintin thinking, "Oh! I can't stop it!" just doesn't work.

As for Vincent's age, I guessed he was older from a simple fact of human anatomy. "Thin shoulders rose and fell with every breath, the hairs on his arms standing at attention." While this captures the suspense you are aiming for, most eight-year-old boys do not have hair on their arms. It is only roundabout the age of twelve or thirteen that a bunch of disturbingly magical changes occur, the growth of body hair being the least of them. You also say something later about the set of his shoulders which made me envision him as larger.

As for the way he speaks . . . I don't think it needs changing. It fits perfectly. Well, maybe I'm a little biased. I'll just say that this child version of Vincent is my kind of character.

Mine is nine years old, by the way, and he has a very adult vocabulary as well.

*randomly pictures Vincent Arren sticking his tongue out at the mage Vincent and shouting, "I'm better than you!"*

It's too late. I look forward to reading more, but not . . . right . . . now. *grumbles* Goodnight and all.
__________________
"Go to, like, greater adventures!"
--Din from Namco's Tales of the Abyss
Aevin is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-28-2004, 11:04 AM   #5
Prolific Writer
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Posts: 287
DawnMorningStar
Send a message via AIM to DawnMorningStar
Hi Dark Aevin!

Thank you again for your comments, and yes, I AM flattered that you stayed up so late to read the first part of my story. I suppose at some point I'll have to return the favor.

I'm glad you liked the story better as a whole. It's always difficult when you post something in sections because then people might come in on the middle and think "What the heck is going on??"

I understand what you mean about the part where Adron sinks his teeth into Quintin's throat. Yes, it IS because he's incredibly fast, as you'll see when the story progresses, but I really should explain it better there, so thank you for pointing that out.

Oh, and btw - I'm perfectly well aware what age puberty hits. But I dunno...I thought a little kid could still have some hair on his arms. Perhaps I should change it to the hairs on the back of his neck or something. Thank you for all the comments in regards to his age. I'll have to look it all over and see where I can maybe improve the descriptions so he sounds younger.

Thank you for your compliments on Vincent. He is quite flattered. I'm glad you don't think his vocabulary is too "adult" at 8 years old. I did try to tone it down a tad since he's younger there. It sounds like our characters have some similarities. Oh, and my Vincent is too "refined" to stick out his tongue, but he IS crossing his arms and giving your Vincent a sideways look.

Thanks again for all of your comments and for spending the time reading!! It's encouraging to know you liked the story enough to do so.
DawnMorningStar is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off


All times are GMT -5. The time now is 04:30 AM.
Powered by vBulletin, Copyright ©2000-2007, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
LinkBacks Enabled by vBSEO 3.1.0


 
You are NOT Logged In.
User Name:

Password



Newsletter

Subscribe to Majestic
the official newsletter of Writing Forums and lit.org
Email:


Related Links

Link to Us:
Writing Forums - Discussions for Writers