Selorian

I have posted a portion of this before. I have reworked it and now am posting it along with a short portion of Chapter 1. I will post more in a few days.

This is from the fantasy novel that I am working on entitled Keepers of the Dark.

If anyone feels like commenting, I would appreciate your general opinions of it and any ctriticism or advice that you want to give. Thank you and enjoy!



Keepers of the Dark


Prologue

The old man sat before the fire, enjoying his last moments of solitude, for he knew that soon they would come. The world was about to change, and the quiet life he had led for so long would be but a fleeting memory. It wasn't that he wished things to remain the same, for they couldn't. Even if they could, this time needed to pass like those before. And they would, for the time of the prophecy was at hand. Fates would be dealt out, and destinies waited to be fulfilled. He silently watched the glowing embers fade and was content.

He was a lot like those nearly exhausted pieces of fuel feeding the fire. Throughout the many seasons of his life, there had been those moments that blazed with importance and purpose. He had a hand in the molding of how things were to be during those times, a prosperous age of peace. It had endured for a long time, but was no more. Stoking the fire, he watched the flames dance back to life, growing ever stronger and brighter once again. Soon it would be his turn to do the same.

'With no guide to show the way, the souls of the innocent shall become lost along the path. Knowledge and wisdom, slumbering, shall be swallowed by the mouth of the Mountains of Forever. The seasons shall bring forth sights that the eyes have never seen.' These were all things the prophecy spoke of. Each of them had happened now. The events that would forge the dawning age had begun. 'From which the winds are born there shall come forth the four in search of you.' His memories were his company, and images of what was to be his visitors. Waiting was all he could do. They would come.


Chapter 1

The rhythmic beating of his heart grew quieter within Maeruc's chest. He felt the steady slowing of the blood as it coursed through his veins. Using his mind, he willed his body into a silence as absolute as that of a corpse. From within the makeshift crypt of tangled brush, he watched the two figures draw closer. He did not fear being discovered by them. They thoroughly searched the overgrown path, they warily thrust their swords into the bushes as they progressed. The sight of it made him want to laugh, but he didn't dare, for the chance of being found. Maeruc traced the razor-sharp edge of his own sword with his fingers. The feel of the cold steel brought an even deeper calmness to him.

In front of him, one of them stared directly at his hiding spot, searching for any signs of their prey. Finding nothing, the hunter plunged the sword into the thick foliage. It stopped mere inches from his eye. Motionless, he stared at the tip of the blade, watching as it drew back out. The figures moved on to the next spot, looking for the one that had so far eluded them.

Like a phantom, Maeruc crept from the safety of his cover and began trailing his stalkers. Their roles had been reversed; it was they who were the hunted now. He carefully calculated each foot's placement upon the forest's floor. Not even the slightest sound gave warning of his approach. Reaching to his side, he wrapped his hand around the woven leather handle of his sword. Studying their backs, he prepared and in one fluid move, withdrew his sword and attacked. Maeruc pulled back and shoved the weapon forward. It entered at a spot near the spine, slipping between two ribs, and penetrated all the way into the tallest ones chest cavity. The body convulsed for a second before going limp and crumpling to the ground. There was a sucking sound as the blade resisted being withdrawn from the wound. Dark red blood from the heart adorned a third of the blade. The vibrant color and coppery smell excited something deep within him.

Forcefully looking away from the beauty of death and violence, he turned and stared into the remaining warrior's eyes. They were wide with fear, the black pupils nearly vanquishing the vivid blue color they were. Surprise and terror had robbed the warrior of speech. With a quick and graceful stroke, Maeruc sliced his throat. Bright red splattered the long blonde hair and small bubbles began to rise and burst along the narrow slit across the neck. Finally Maeruc laughed, a chuckle that grew into a long rising howl. The supposedly great warrior's hands clasped his mutilated throat as he tried to scream. A gurgling sound escaped him as he collapsed onto the lush grass. He lay there, twitching sporadically, as the green beneath him became washed in a growing pool of crimson.

Turning away, Maurec silenced himself. He searched for signs of any nearby witnesses. Except for the soothing melodies of bird song high in the trees, all was silent. The only movement was the gentle swaying of leaves in a nearly unnoticeable breeze. The woods were empty. Satisfied no one had seen what had transpired, he began walking along the path. It was time to return home.

~~~~~~

__________________
Utopia can only exist in a violent society.

Litsters... It's coming, are you ready?

DawnMorningStar

Hi selorian72...

I enjoyed the imagery of this piece, and Maeruc seems like an interesting character. At first I thought he was the good guy, but as it progressed, I started to believe that he was a villain. I think that's a good tactic--keep the reader guessing so they want to read more.

I just have a few critiques to point out. You can take them or leave them, as they are just my personal opinions. Most of them deal with spelling errors, but there are few on sentence structure as well.

Change "has" to "have".

You need a period after "come".

"quieter"

"veins"

"laugh"

I would eliminate the first "directly".
In front of him, one of them stared directly at his hiding spot

This sentence reads a bit awkwardly. It might sound better written something like:
The tip of the blade stopped mere inches from Mearuc's eye, but he didn't even flinch. Instead, he watched motionless as the weapon withdrew.

I would reword this a bit. You use various forms of "hunt" a bit much, so you might want to change up the words a bit. Also, these two sentences together read a bit awkwardly. Here's one suggestion:
Like a phantom, Maeruc crept from the safety of his cover and trailed after his stalkers. Their roles had been reversed; now they were the hunted.

This confused me a bit. First it sounds like he's sneaking up behind them, but the way you have his actions worded, it then sounds like he's stabbing the man from the front. If he's still behind him, I would use "back" instead of "chest cavity". Or perhaps you could describe the sword as having penetrated all the way through to his chest cavity.

"warrior's"

This is a bit confusing as well. The way it's worded, it sounds as though the warriors speechlessness was about to end, but then his throat is cut, and he can't say anything. Also, your description of the warrior seems a bit out of place here. Perhaps if you chanbed "slightly round":
Surprise and terror had robbed the stout warrior of speech. With a quick and graceful stroke, Mearus sliced his throat.

Anyway, those are all the comments I have. I hope they're helpful, and I look forward to reading the next part.

Selorian

Hello Dawn, thank you for such an indepth critique of my story. I appreciate it greatly.

I have no excuses for the misspellings. I should have checked it better before posting. Thank you for pointing those out.

I see exactly what you are talking about with the sentences that you point out. I will rework these, keeping your suggestions in mind.

I'm glad that you liked the piece. Again, thank you so much for taking the time to read and comment on it.


Cliff

__________________
Utopia can only exist in a violent society.

Litsters... It's coming, are you ready?

DawnMorningStar

You're very welcome! I hope my comments were helpful. It's looks like this is going to turn out to be a very interesting story. I'm looking forward to reading more.

Selorian

The revisions have been made to the story above.

Thanks again Dawn! I will be posting more soon.

__________________
Utopia can only exist in a violent society.

Litsters... It's coming, are you ready?

daniela

As DMS (sorry for shortening your name, but I am too tired to type the whole thing this morning) said, the imagery is very enjoyable. In addition, I loved how you kept me guessing, which DMS already touched upon as well. Overall, this piece was well written. Just a few sentences bother me.

This sentence irks me every time I read it. There are supposed to be commas after "things" and "of", but putting them there makes the line awkward to me. My suggestion would be to change it to "These were all things that the prophecy spoke of...", or you could leave it as is. The mistake is very hard to spot unless you were deliberately looking for it. Sometimes I think that learning how to write is ruining reading for me.

Still commenting on the quoted line, "come to pass" is an overused cliché. Unless you are very partial to those words, I would change it to "happened."

rythmic-->rhythmic

coarsed-->coursed

The section highlighted in red is too wordy and that particular phrasing is used a lot in literature. You could possibly change it to, "they were the hunted now."

There should be a comma after "backs."

ever growing-->ever-growing

alot-->a lot

I was reading this line to myself aloud, and while grammatically correct, it grates in my ear.

Using the passive voice is perfectly fine in most situations, but in my opinion, this needs to be rewritten in the active voice. Your character is committing an act of violence and the wording makes it seem like a Sunday stroll. Of course, I could be dead wrong and you want it to appear this way because Maeruc is a cold-blooded killer and completely calm about doing his "work", but you use the passive voice quite a bit in "Keepers of the Dark." Some of those instances are justified to me, but the rest need to be rethought.

I really liked this piece and I find myself longing for the next part. Keep in mind everything that has been said and maybe next time there will be no need for me to get out my "red pen." If you have not thought of this already, I would like to suggest that you post further sections in a new thread with a link back to this one. That way everyone will have read all of the parts and you will not need to clarify anything for people to shortsighted to see the words “Part 2.”

--DM--

__________________
"When you catch an adjective, kill it. No, I don't mean utterly, but kill most of them—then the rest will be valuable." - Mark Twain

Selorian

Hello Daniela!

Thank you, I'm glad that you liked those things.

I made the changes, in the post of it above, to the areas that you commented on.

All of the comments and suggestions were very helpful and I appreciate them greatly. As for the red pen, I doubt I'll ever get good enough to write a first draft that is safe from it. Keep it handy, but I will keep in mind all that has been said and try my best.

I totally understand what you mean, I feel the same way sometimes.

And thanks for the suggestion on posting additional sections under a new thread, I plan on doing just that. I hadn't thought of the link though, thats a great idea.

Thanks for reading and the comments. I'm glad your looking forward to the next part. Have a great day!


Cliff

__________________
Utopia can only exist in a violent society.

Litsters... It's coming, are you ready?

Shaun1138

[quote="daniela"]

Sometimes I think that learning how to write is ruining reading for me.
[quote]


learning to write well is very difficult and you can feel that it ruins reading other material, but maybe it's not ruining it at all. Really, it is giving you a better understanding of language and structure etc.. therefore giving more of an appreciation of better text... you can sit back and read a good book thinking, 'they've done this well', and enjoy it even more because you know about the hard work that goes into its production.

S.

daniela

[ot:cfee304621]Thank you for the different perspective, Shaun1138.[/ot:cfee304621]

Cliff: I like the rewrite. "Keepers of the Dark" is really coming along. Keep up the good work!


--DM--

__________________
"When you catch an adjective, kill it. No, I don't mean utterly, but kill most of them—then the rest will be valuable." - Mark Twain

Aevin

First of all, I really liked the story so far. You caught my attention instantly--the firewood metaphor near the beginning was beautiful, and instantly made me sure my imagination was in the hands of a skilled author. I could envision what was happening very well the whole time, and I loved some of your imagery, including the sword "adorned" with blood, and the bubbling throat, and a lot of others.

However, I, like everyone else, have a lot of criticisms on the language, mostly grammatical concerns. First of all, you seem to underuse commas at times:

These are the most immediate examples, since they occur right at the beginning. There should be a comma after "fire," and one after "change." Whenever you use a participle phrase (with words ending in ING), you should enclose it in commas. Also, if the subject of a sentence changes after an "and," (ie, from "the world" to "the quiet life"), a comma is needed. You don't need a comma if the subject doesn't change.

This sentence is very confusing. Literally, it seems to say, "The cold steel traced the razor-sharp edge of his own sword with his fingers, and brought deeper calmness to Maurek." I'd suggest something like, "Marek traced the razor-sharp edge of his own sword with his fingers. The cold steel brought an even deeper calmness to him."

One more thing. Near the beginning, you say something like, "the time of the prophesy was at hand." That's a little cliche, and you may want to change it. In fact, I'm pretty sure Satan says something very like this line in the South Park movie.

There are some other things, of course, but most have already been pointed out. Keep working on this--the story and imagery are great enough for you to spend the time correcting the grammar. I hope to read more soon!

__________________
"Go to, like, greater adventures!"
--Din from Namco's Tales of the Abyss

Selorian

Dark Aevin, thank you for the comments and the compliments. Coming from someone as you, who is so great at imagery, they mean a lot.

I have to admit that my punctuation skills are lacking. I am so worried about over using coma's that I sometimes don't use enough.

I see what you were saying about the sentence you mentioned. I reworked it in the post of the story. I also worked on the comas.

Thanks for the comments again. They were very helpful and much appreciated. And don't worry, I'll definitely keep working on Keepers of the Dark.


Cliff

__________________
Utopia can only exist in a violent society.

Litsters... It's coming, are you ready?