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| Critique and Advice Works seeking critique, advice or assistance. |
08-18-2004, 10:23 PM
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#1
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Writing Machine
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Huntsville, AL
Posts: 1,515
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My Black Box - Poem
Black, lonely, cold and still
embracing me and my lonliness.
Shadows on walls just watch and stare
as the glowing figures dance.
No sounds to be heard nor none to be made
just a slight breeze in the distance.
No one to comfort, no one to hold
for that day has not yet arrived.
I have thoughts that need to be said
darkness is all that will listen.
Tomorrow will come and the darkness will fade
but the shadows still wisper to me.
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08-18-2004, 10:35 PM
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#2
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Canada
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,860
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I like it. It tells a story, but it leaves the reade to decide just how the story goes. One line that was a bit awkward was
"just a slight breeze in the distance"
it would work better as :
"just a breeze in the distance"
It seemed slightly dragged out the way it was.
Other than that, very well done.
__________________
A minifridge... The doll house of the alcoholic.
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08-18-2004, 11:06 PM
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#3
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WF Supporter!
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Vancouver - Canada
Posts: 8,904
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Hello Aeryn - When I saw this title I thought of the black box airplanes/jets use as their flight log of events.
With that in mind, I was taken to a disaster where a soul is adrift with no hope of being recovered for their loved ones.
Because of that, I viewed the poem as something more intrinsic rather than a personal observation. I always prefer the former because the latter can come across as angst.
One note on spelling .. did you mean whisper? Or wisper as in a ghost?
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08-19-2004, 01:19 AM
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#4
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Writing Machine
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Huntsville, AL
Posts: 1,515
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Thanks Farror! I'll correct that line. =]
Penelope, my bad! I meant whisper. =]
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08-19-2004, 10:14 AM
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#5
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Canada
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,860
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Pen, I don't really think this is about a sould being hoplessly lost. In my opinion, it's more of a... transition? I'm not really sure how to say what I saw in it.
For the real meaning, you'd have to ask Aeryn, I might be wrong.
__________________
A minifridge... The doll house of the alcoholic.
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08-19-2004, 11:21 AM
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#6
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WF Supporter!
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Vancouver - Canada
Posts: 8,904
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Farror - when it comes to poetry .. the real joy is in how people can interpret it differently. Many of my poems have taken on a life of their own as readers go off on tangents. It's the magic of words. No one is wrong or right as long as the ride is good.
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08-19-2004, 03:18 PM
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#7
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Writing Machine
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Huntsville, AL
Posts: 1,515
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I love to see how everyone interprets my poem. =] I wrote it about 7 years ago and it is the first! I guess you could say that I felt a little lost at the time. =]
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08-19-2004, 03:21 PM
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#8
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WF Supporter!
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Vancouver - Canada
Posts: 8,904
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Can I ask you where that 'my bad' came from? I've seen it a few times and wondered as to its origin.
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08-19-2004, 03:45 PM
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#9
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Writing Machine
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Huntsville, AL
Posts: 1,515
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I'm not sure where I got "my bad" from. I am from the country so I probably picked it up out there.
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08-19-2004, 09:16 PM
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#10
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Canada
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,860
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People say "my bad" around here. And a good interpretation isn't necessarily "it seemed a bit angsty".
Meh, it doesn't really matter.
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A minifridge... The doll house of the alcoholic.
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