chapel

After some deep thought and auditing of my time, I decided to start a Novel. This might be a big thing to start, but I really feel I can accomplish it and its more for personal goals and gains than any monetary values. I would like to hear what you all think about it and how it sits as an introduction to a story. I wont post any more info on the story unless asked to, I would like to see if people can figure out what the main character, "Stacy" has done. Anyways thank you in advance.

Prologue

“Hey, Honey! Get a move on, the shoots over!” spouted a short man wearing an ill fitted tie dyed shirt and cut off jeans. A small girl with fair skin and big doe eyes glanced over at the poorly dressed man. With a motion of disrespect, he gestured at the door.

“I said it’s over! Now get the fuck out!” he emphasized with a nasty glare. The girl barely clothed quickly put on a small blue shirt with the words “Hot Shit” pressed on the front. Pulling up a jean skirt over her barely there thong came to rest around her petite waist. She bent over to pick up her bra and purse, made a small glance at the director and hurried out the door.

An orange glow flooded her view as the morning skyline came into sight. The crisp cool air met her pale skin as she scanned the parking lot for her ride. Short flashes of the night before emblazoned her memory as she tried to shake them free. Finally she caught sight of an old decrepit Ford pickup that should have died years ago, and started to make her way towards it. She tried to smile, but it was shortly wiped away with those same memories.

When she reached the door, it sprung open nearly slamming into her petite body. “Get in; I’ve got to meet Jason in an hour!” a well built man with a shaved head and tattered clothes exclaimed. The fine girl climbed into the pickup and leaned over to the much larger man next to her, “I missed you babe, none of them were as good as you.” She drew closer wishing for a long awaited kiss from her love.

“That’s good, but where’s the money?” as he abruptly pushed her away. “We will have time for that later, if I don’t get this money then were both dead!” he told her condescendingly. With sadness and despair written across her face, she peered out the window at nothing in particular. “Here is your money…but I don’t think I can do this anymore.” She grabbed the purse next to her, and started to look for the wad of bills the producer gave her a few hours earlier, she handed the money to her upset lover.

He fired up the pickup, put it into drive and sped out of the parking lot. “Thanks Stacy, you’re a lifesaver.” He then smiled at her with a look of jubilation. Stacy not sharing in that feeling met her face to her hands and started to let go of her saddened emotions. “Roland, I really don’t think I can do this anymore, last night was horrible.” She managed to cry out. As Roland swiftly drove the worn out truck around, he looked at her and said, “Don’t be so drastic, I know you can do it, you’re doing it for us, so don’t let US down.”

__________________
Dreams, Life, Death, where does Love come in?
www.NuclearDreams.com

Chris

I'm assuming Stacy has just done a porno photo/film shoot? Am I right? do I get a cookie?

Now I don't know much about the adult industry, but I find it hard to believe the director would be so rude to her. He almost comes off as cartoon villain bad, the perfect archetype for the reader to boo and hiss at. Wouldn't it be more complicated if he was amazingly nice to her, and she liked and enjoyed his company but hated what she was doing - and thus a subplot of some internal conflict could be created. Just a suggestion.

I like your prose. It needs a little tightening up here and there, grammar, syntax etc but it reads well, there is a nice - dare I say, freshness to it that lends your story it's own style and keeps it from becoming derivative.

But I don't think your dialogue works very well. Roland seems to spout cliche after cliche, and things like "we will have time for this later..." reads awkward, people these days like to speak with as little effort as possible so "we'll have time later" or "we'll have time for that later" would sound better.

Overall, I was kind of intrigued by it, I don't know where you're going to take the story, but I predict you could go with a lot of good stuff. I wish you the best of luck on your novel.

__________________
"...Biting my truant pen, beating myself for spite:
Fool! said my Muse to me, look in thy heart and write. - Sir Philip Sidney

chapel

First off thank you for reading, and commenting.

Yes you are correct about what she has just done.

Well I see what youre saying about it being an easy archtype, I agree to some degree. The reasoning for making him act that way was to show the disrespect Stacy gets, shes a low level girl. I am going to go over that a bit and see what comes up, because making it more internal may give a different twist.

Thank you for the comment on my prose, I appreciate it. I totally agree that my grammar, syntax and alot of things are very loose. I am actively working on that, but Ive read that its best to put down the ideas and then clean it up later. I hope thats a good way to do so.

I do agree about the dialogue, I am fairly new to dialogue, and its hard for me to come up with original or "real" sounding dialogue. I will work with it to make it sound more natural. I will also read up on dialogue and how to write it better.

I will post updates when I get a chance, so you may see where I take it.

Thanx again, I do appreciate the crits and advice.

__________________
Dreams, Life, Death, where does Love come in?
www.NuclearDreams.com

Majestic XII

I agree. One suggestion is to make him "cold". In other words, make him nice to her but really he just wanna use her. You can use the dialogue to make him sound nice and his actions to make him look the opposite.

I love to read more Chapel!

__________________
Malin - HL2 Mod Central

chapel

Thanks for reading Maj, I will strive to work on a chapter a night, or at least every other night depending on school and how tired I am.

__________________
Dreams, Life, Death, where does Love come in?
www.NuclearDreams.com

Majestic XII

Sounds good, I try to do the same thing... but yeah

__________________
Malin - HL2 Mod Central

Selorian

Hello Chapel, that was a really intriguing piece. It has me wanting to read more.
I agree with Chris and Majestic, That type of dynamic in her and the directors relationship would create alot of internal turmoil that could make for some great conflict.
As far as the dialogue is concerned, maybe throw in some slang terms that would go with the type of people that they are. Some examples would be:

"“Get in, I gotta meet Jason in an hour!”
"Yeah yeah that's good, just give me the money."

Thats just a suggestion of something I may do.

I like your prose and it overall reads very well. I look forward to reading more and seeing where you take this. Good luck with it and keep up the good work.

_

chapel

Thanx as well for the kind words. I know alot of slang personally, but sometimes its hard to use, I feel like I should be formal... I guess I should break that.

Anyways when I get the next chapter pumped out I will also put up an updated version of the prologue.

Time for bed, and more writing tomorrow!

__________________
Dreams, Life, Death, where does Love come in?
www.NuclearDreams.com

Novicewriter

Very well done chapel...I really liked how you started off the story, right in the middle of the action, wihch is good. I like to do that myself as well...start in the middle of the action. It draws in the reader, making them want more. Keep up the good work, can't wait to read more.

-Bill-

__________________
"There are only two things that scare me...Dr. Evil and Carnies. You know, circus folk. They have small hands and smell like cabbage."

daniela

I agree with Chris about your prose. There are things that need fixing, but it does have that fresh feeling that Chris was trying to describe. Other than that, I usually do not read this type of story (I am such a prude... ). I hope to see some more work from you in the future.

--DM--

__________________
"When you catch an adjective, kill it. No, I don't mean utterly, but kill most of them—then the rest will be valuable." - Mark Twain