_“Chillax, man. We’re going camping.”
_Harold, Reggie, Suzanne, Michael, and Bobby went camping.
_The five friends stayed up all night and played music while high on marijuana.
_The last day of the trip, Harold, Reggie, Suzanne, and Michael vanished. Bobby woke up alone during the middle of the night hearing a piercing scream and the chilling sound of ghostly moaning.

_“Where is everyone?” I thought. Jesus Christ… I’m so scared… Where is everyone?


is this too abrupt to start out the story? its meant to be abrupt, but does this make it seem like i should just not have the first few paragraphs, or to expand upon them?

and also, not being able to indent on a site made to post writings is the worst idea ever

DawnMorningStar

I think it's a bit abrupt, yes. The way you have it set up, you're showing instead of telling. And so much about their trip is skipped, it has me wondering what happened while they were there, and how the fact that they were camping is even really significant.

It definitely has a spooky feel to it, which I'm sure you were going for. I would just either expand on the beginning--write about their trip, why they're there, etc., or leave it out all together and start with the person being afraid.

(heh...I just got flashbacks of "The Blair Witch Project")

thank you (the first good response from this site ive ever had)

bobothegoat

I'm not sure I can make a good judgement on this one. If the whole story was written in this form then it would annoy me to no end, however I'm assuming you meant to leave it vague like this.

In that case it would serve it's purpose. It has a spooky feel to it. I'll have to check-up on it once you have more.

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Bobo the Goat

I'm thinking i will just take it out. the rest of the story is first person limited and wont be like the first 4 paragraphs. I just wanted to use the word "chillax" i guess. Also, this isn't meant to be a scary novel... It's similar to Charlie Kaufman and Spike Jonze making a "horror movie" soon. you wouldn't expect it from me (or them) and it will be more eerie than scary.

Talia_Brie

I didn't like the change of POV either, so yeah, I'd say take it out. It felt clumsy, and tacked on at the front, and there was nothing in there that couldn't be revealed seamlessly later.

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