Merra's Hotel Room - WritingForums.com - Writing Forums, Writing Challenges, Critiques and Help for Writers

Creative_Insanity · 08-13-2004, 04:44 PM

Here is another fragment of a story that I'm writing. . . please share you comments. (The first fragment of this story I posted as “Hotel-room maid”)

Quote:

Merra ran a hand through her already-messy brown hair and plopped onto the hotel-room couch. She flipped through the channels wearily, not really seeing what was on one channel before switching to the next.

She felt a tug on her sleeve and glanced down.

“Can we watch a movie tonight, Mommy?” Her five-year-old daughter stared up at her intently with large brown eyes.

Merra stroked Carrie’s chestnut curls for a moment, wondering at – as she did every time she looked at Carrie – how much the girl looked like her. Or how I used to look, that is, Merra thought ruefully. Her appearance had been much altered since she was a child, and that was more than simply aging.

She ran a finger absent-mindedly across her cheekbone, feeling one of the long, thin scars that ran across it. And there were more outside the thin streaks on her face. Oh yes, there were more: long, ropy bands of flesh, running across her back, shoulders, stomach, chest, arms, legs . . . they criss-crossed over her body like webs, everywhere, even across the soles of her feet—

“Mommy?” Carrie tugged her back to reality.

Merra cursed herself for drifting. The child had been speaking to her.
“Forgive Mommy’s mind for wandering,” she said repentantly. “She’s had a hard day.”

“You must always have hard days,” Carrie muttered irritably under her breath. The comment flustered Merra, but she pushed it aside. The child was waiting expectantly for an answer to her question.

Can we watch a movie tonight, Mommy?

“Honey, we didn’t take any movies with us when we left.” She recalled the frantic departure from their home for a moment. “But here,” she said, handing Carrie the remote. “Maybe you can find a good movie on TV.”

sully474 · 08-13-2004, 07:27 PM

Quote:

“You must always have hard days,” Carrie muttered irritably under her breath. The comment flustered Merra, but she pushed it aside. The child was waiting expectantly for an answer to her question.

I don't really think that a five year old would talk back like that. They may say that, but not while muttering irriatbly. Somebody that young would be saying it with more of an innocent tone, like she was simply pointing it out, and not meaning to criticize.

I like that you haven't taken the vomiting scene into details, because it is quite possible that reading any more of it would make me vomit. *grins*

Creative_Insanity · 08-13-2004, 07:31 PM

The secret is that the child isn't 5 years old. . . I'm not quite sure how I'm going to end the story, but I'm pretty sure that we'll find out that Merra's child is dead (from the point of view of another character in the story). So this child is either a ghost, or Merra is hallucinating. Still, I might change that comment. . .