Tori

Just wanted some input on this if you have any. New story I started because if I spend anymore time with the happy ones in the other story I'm working on I'll go insane. Obviously, I haven't really decided the direction I'm going on with this so have at it and any ideas are appreciated.

I am only a few moments setup on a timeline which is destined to constantly betray me. I do not know how these moments were planted or why they took root in the fluid soil of my brain, but they are there and I cannot get rid of them. Like the boil my next door neighbor, Judy, had to have lanced last Friday, I too, must find a way to begin the process of draining my salacious mind.
Were it not for the words of my innately overactive brother, Charles, I would have given up hope at a cure for my failure to thrive.
“Don’t listen to them.” He said this to me while leaning over my bed before climbing the shaky ladder to the bunk above me.
He always did get the top of everything. I am sick of being served the soup from the bottom of the pot and being forced to carefully pick out the burned crud with my spoon. My mother always hands me the bowl with a smile so conniving I wish I could squish her cheeks till they turned a violet hue.
Enough of that; I must plan an escape now. I must get my mind ready to face any obstacle. I will do fifty sit ups each night before bed and hop over the cracks in the sidewalk on my way to school. I must stay limber and I must stay alert. Jackson Liverton has no idea he will be facing me in two months at the Strawberry Festival, oh but he will be.
No one calls me a fat ape and gets away with it! I really wish I could sleep but my mind just keeps bumping up against that moment he let his mouth say those words to me, and my brother, he sleeps soundly knowing he is safe from fat jokes because he is on the football team.
My mother and father call him ‘husky’ but can’t think of a word to say to me. I don’t have an easy way out like that. Fat girls never get a way out except if it comes with another pink slip for tardiness. That’ll buy me a few minutes out of class but not help me in the long run. Mister Pepper warned me just last week that one more pink slip would equal suspension and oh brother, my father would whip me good for that.

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sully474

I think that your main character could use a name soon. It seems like sombody with a very mischevous mind, and you have to continue the sort of plotting in bits as the novel progresses. Also, a bit of a prologue would be appreciated. Nothing extravagant, just the part where Jackson calls the main character a fat ape. Without something like that, the opening seems slightly awkward, because you don't really understand where the feelings are coming from.

On the whole, you have done a good job, and I see potential.

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Tori

I actually wrote it without out of desperation trying to get away from my "novel" and re-read it this morning and thought to myself...I don't know why I am even writing this. I'm having a bad writing day today and your comments are very true, thank you!

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greggb

Hi, it sounds like a good beginning for something... something kind of sinister and evil. Not that there's anything wrong with that. I really like the sound of the beginning.

The only thing I find confusing is the reference to Jackson and the Strawberry Festival. To me that doesn't seem to go along with the evil intentions of the main character. It sounds a little too "Mayberry" for something really bad (i.e., "Pa, Jackson said I was a fat ape!").

Then again, maybe you're not going for something really bad. If you're not, I'd recommend changing the beginning to something that doesn't sound so sinister.

If it were me I'd choose something really bad. It seemed to come natural to you for the first few paragraphs. Then it seemed like either your mood changed or you tried to force the part about Jackson into the story.

It's very well written, so I hope you stick with it.

Chris

I really like stories that just plunge into the minds of characters, creating essentially an outpour of various thoughts seemingly related to each other. This piece is a pretty interesting read, but also quite confusing. You seem to be setting up a lot of stuff in such a short paragraph, it'd read better if you can maybe flesh out each plot point a bit more, but still retain your frentic style that reads enjoyably well. I hope you take this story somewhere, even if it's just a short story, or something confessionalistic like a journal entry. Your narrator seems to be quite fascinating and would like to learn more about her. Good luck.

- Chris

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Tori

Interesting input as it was undeveloped free writing for me. I was sort of just trying to develop a story that strayed from my usual light and fluffy. I'll think of developing it from the beginning when I have another fit of boredom from the fluff

Thank you for the input and I get your point about the whole Strawberry Festival. I was sort of going down the path of teenage angst through that of the mind of Marie (the narrator). Was planning on having her steal all the money from the Strawberry Festival instead of beating up Jackson as she had planned...hehehe just seemed like a fun thing to write at the time (besides my friend just had a boil lanced and I really needed to work that into my writing somehow).

...too funny!

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