Part of a new scene I am working on... - WritingForums.com - Writing Forums, Writing Challenges, Critiques and Help for Writers

Twiddler · 08-12-2004, 10:01 PM

It's for a comp against Sean (Elemental_Emissary) on some other forums.

“May god smite you for being such a fool!!” John yelled out of the car window, just seconds after swerving to get out of the way of a psychotic driver. He then resumed his position in the right lane and returned to thinking about how happy his family was going to be after he broke his good news to them; they were going to be moving after all! Priest John Mendelton had worked for the St. Babuptis Church, located thirty minutes away from his home, for more then six years, which was why it was so hard to leave it after all this time. But sacrifices had to be made to protect his family, as they were the ones he loved. There was his brother, Thomas, who was the black sheep of the family, simply because he wasn’t a man of god like his brother. He was two years younger than John, and, for reason of his own, decided he would rather work as a car mechanic then in the church with his brother, but still found time to go to church every Sunday.

There was John’s mother, Martha, who had to raise four children, John, Thomas, and their twin sisters Mindy and Mandy, while having to deal with their abusive drunkard of a father, Frank. He had abused not only his wife during his nightly, drunken rages, but also the twins, who, after being forced to sleep with their father once a night when they were young, had run away from home as soon as they had learned to drive, but had never been heard from since. The only things keeping Martha happy during those times were her two sons, who lived with their mom till they were both in their twenties, and their dad had run away with some prostitute named Cheri, just so that they could give her the care and love she had been missing ever since she married Frank.

There were his two children, Jacob and Jeanie, who, at the ages of 6 and 8 respectively, had to be home schooled because their parents were afraid of the kinds of people they would meet, or what might happen to them, if they were to go to a public school. Both John and his wife knew of the consequences home schooling might lead to, such as the problems their children might have interacting with other people when they were older, but opted to try it, thinking that the dangers of sending their children to public school were much larger.

Finally, there was John’s wonderful wife Helen, who he had fallen in love with ever since laying his eyes on her during his first year at the Christian Falls High School. There were her light blue eyes that sparkled continuously even when light didn’t reflect off of them. There was her kind and caring nature, which made it impossible not to say something good, no matter what situation she was in. There were her hands; always warm and able to calm down anything, from the littlest rabbit, to the largest, and most frenzied, bear, with just a simple touch. There was her light brown hair, her bright, permanently rosy cheeks, and her angelic, soothing voice.

Twiddler · 08-13-2004, 02:06 AM

Chris · 08-13-2004, 04:17 AM

Holy exposition Batman!

Hey Twiddler,

I like the content you have here, you set up potentially interesting characters (ie I'm deeply curious as to why John and Helen are so terrified of public schools), but the way you deliver it is a little flat and uninteresting. Also, you seem to be telling the story from John's point of view (or at least that's the impression I get), so I have a hard time believing he would run down the history of his entire family for no apparent reason.

Some advice through delivering it more effectively : dialogue, action, relationship dynamics, flash backs. It's just my opinion, take my advice if you think it helps. I wish you the best of luck on it.

- Chris

Twiddler · 08-13-2004, 04:21 AM

Thanks, man. This whole entry is actually based on something I did a year ago when my novel was actually gonna be a game and it's title was non-existant.

"Pastor John Mendelton was a very religious man and head of his local church. He held sermons 3 days a week, spending the rest of his time with his family. He had a wife, Helen, 2 kids, Jacob and Jeanie, a brother, Thomas, and a mother, Martha. He loved them deeply and cared for them dearly. Nothing could prepare him, however, for what would happen to him. One day, after coming home from an evening sermon, he found the door to his hous busted open. As he walked into the house, it seemed as there had been a struggle, as mirrors had been smashed and vases had been broken. He was in complete shock as he walked into the living room. There, lying dead on the floor in a pool of their own blood, were his two kids. He rushed around the house, finding his mother drowned in a bath tub and his brother beaten to death with a baseball bat. The biggest shock came when he entered his bedroom, finding his wife sprawled on the bed. She had been raped before having her throat slit. The murders hit him hard and, even 2 months after the killings, the police still couldn't get a lead. He was a broken man, spending less time at church and more time at the graveyard, mourning the deaths of his family. He was at his wifes gravestone the morning the box had been opened. When the evil had hit him, he was wishing for a way to bring his wife back to life or at least a way to talk to her again and find out who killed her. He got his wish. The evil hit him, changing him, giving him new found powers. Not just holy powers though, He could now converse with the dead. Still not familiar with his powers, he hid away as the evil spread. He avoided the demons capture, waiting and mastering his powers , till he one day resurfaces to avenge his families death."

This scene is based on the part where he arrives home.

Twiddler · 08-13-2004, 05:20 AM

Oh...and Chris...come on MSN, dude!!!

Twiddler · 08-14-2004, 12:35 AM

Here's a more updated version. It would be done if it wasn't for my god damn ADD!!!

“May god have mercy on your soul enough to bless you with decent driving skills….” John muttered under his breath, just seconds after swerving to get out of the way of a psychotic driver, and shaking his head at him. He then resumed his position in the right lane and returned to thinking about how happy his family was going to be after he broke his good news to them; they were going to be moving after all! Reverend John Mendelton had worked for the St. Babuptis Church, located thirty minutes away from his home, for more then six years, which was why it was so hard to leave it after all this time. But sacrifices had to be made to protect his family, as they were the ones he loved. John’s brother Thomas was the black sheep of the family, simply because he wasn’t a man of god like his brother. He was two years younger than John, and, for reason of his own, decided he would rather work as a car mechanic then in the church with his brother, but still found time to go to church every Sunday.

There was John’s mother, Martha, who had to raise four children, John, Thomas, and their twin sisters Mindy and Mandy, while having to deal with their abusive drunkard of a father, Frank. He had abused not only his wife during his nightly, drunken rages, but also the twins, who, after being forced to sleep with their father once a night when they were young, had run away from home as soon as they had learned to drive, but had never been heard from since. The only things keeping Martha happy during those times were her two sons, who lived with their mom till they were both in their twenties, and their dad had run away with some prostitute named Cheri, just so that they could give her the care and love she had been missing ever since she married Frank.

John also had two children, Jacob and Jeanie, who, at the ages of 6 and 8 respectively, had to be home schooled because their parents were afraid of the kinds of people they would meet, or what might happen to them, if they were to go to a public school. Both John and his wife knew of the consequences home schooling might lead to, such as the problems their children might have interacting with other people when they were older, but opted to try it, thinking that the dangers of sending their children to public school were much larger. Finally, there was John’s wonderful wife Helen, who he had fallen in love with ever since laying his eyes on her during his first year at the Christian Falls High School.

She had light blue eyes that sparkled continuously even when light didn’t reflect off of them. She had a kind and caring nature, which made it impossible for her not to say something good, no matter what situation she was in. There were her hands; always warm and able to calm down anything, from the littlest rabbits and squirrels, to the largest, and most vicious and frenzied tigers and lions, with just a simple touch. She also had light brown hair, bright, permanently rosy cheeks, and an angelic, soothing voice. Still, to this day, John was positive that, despite all of those features, the one that he loved the most, as corny as it might have seemed, was Helen herself. It was the time he spent around her that not only made him feel happiest inside, but also helped him be able the promise they made with each other that they would live together and die together in each other’s arms, and protect each other from danger no matter what. Which is why, because of what had been happening in their town recently, they were both in agreement to move, with the rest of the family, as soon as possible.