Hymn

Tell me what you think, and be blunt about it

His hair stood on end, sweat trickling down the unshaved stubble at his chin. His mind raced. What do I say? Should I say anything? Why did it have to come to this? Time almost stood still, seconds took hours. They stood, locked in a trance, staring at each other. They had been best friends for years, and now this. He looked into his former friends’ eyes. Nothing but hatred was in those eyes. His hand held un-quavering to the rubber grip of his gun. Derrick knew not to move, a flinch, a bat of his eye could set the man off. He didn’t know how long it was, hours, days, years. It didn’t matter, it only took an instant to end. Derrick didn’t hear the gunshot, he didn’t feel the bullet smash into his chest, didn’t feel his head hit concrete. He brought a finger to his chest and raised it to his face. He stared at it, questioningly. Is that my blood? No, it couldn’t be, I’ll just sleep now, sleep and everything would be alright, everything would be fine. Like it used to be. Before all of it happened, the greed, the pain and sorrow. None of it ever happened. It was all just a dream.
---
Derrick rose, a silent scream on his lips. He was sweating, cold as ice. What had happened? Was it a dream? He looked around, and heaved a sigh. He was home, it had all been a dream. With a smile he rose to his feet. The room was just like it always had been to Derrick; comfortably small. It was his place of relaxation, his place to drink a cup of coffee and watch T.V.

The phone rang, startling Derrick from his thought. He let it ring again for the caller ID and picked it up. It was his best friend Joseph. a grin spread across his face, he was about to tell Joseph his dream, but he was interrupted.

“Derrick, I need your help. Meet me at the cafe.” He hung up. Derricks mind began to swim, he got dizzy. This was all too familiar. Turning around he stumbled to the computer that was at his desk and looked at the date. How could this be? What happened? No. It can’t be. Derrick thought. I won’t let it be. This, this is unreal.
The phone began beeping, Derrick picked it up and turned it off. Knowing what he knew, he could stop the event that were about to unfold, but he found himself doing the same thing he had done before; Slipping on his jacket, combing his hair, and setting off towards Dante’s Café. The only diner in the small town that mattered, it had served as a meeting place for Joe and Derrick for well over six years. But today it was different.
Today Derrick would confront his future.

__________________
Live in your imagination.

Chris

There's not enough for me to make any blunt judgements, other than, I've read/seen/heard this before. Maybe you could make the opening a bit more interesting? Put them in a more interesting situation, you know, something like have them in the backdrop of armageddon or something; now I'd keep reading for that!

But you've only shown me a short snippet of your story, so how you're going to get from point A to point I (for italics ) may in fact be good fun. I don't know if I'm a fan of your intermixing with third and first person narrative, it reads a little jumbled, awkward and uncontrolled. Some adjectives could also use a little chopping and changing like :

"rose" lacks urgency, or panic or whatever the feeling is when one wakes from a nightmare. When I read "rose" I get the image of Dracula rising from his coffin with his arms crossed over his chest, almost ethereal, light and majestic.

Good luck with your story

- Chris

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"...Biting my truant pen, beating myself for spite:
Fool! said my Muse to me, look in thy heart and write. - Sir Philip Sidney

Selorian

Hello! I found your story to be pretty good. You accomplished getting my interest. I have just a couple spots where I found things that I would change, but thats just me.

Just my own opinion but the use of eyes in back to back sentences caught my attention. Maybe that was done for a purpose you had in mind, but i would change it a little. Maybe make the last line read something like,

'Nothing was left in them now but hatred.'

Just a suggestion. Now the next one.

Again just a small thing. In the last sentence you use he twice very close together. Maybe could just drop the he from the last part. It still reads the same even with its' deletion.

Look forward to seeing more of your work. Keep up the great job.

Wyndham

I don't know where you are headed with this, but I think it's an excellent beginning. It certainly drew me in. I have a couple of suggestions. First, give us Derrick's name a little earlier. This simple change will make it easier to follow who is holding the gun on whom. I found that a little confusing and had to re-read. Second, at the end of the first paragraph, change "sleep and everything would be fine" to "everything will be fine."

Is this going to be a short story or a novel? Right now I'm betting on story because otherwise I can't see how you could drag enough out of it for a novel. As a story, though, if you can just keep the momentum going, you may have something here.

Hymn

Thanks for the feedback, I have been away for a while, I'm going back through it and finding the things that you guys pointed out. Thanks.

__________________
Live in your imagination.