Chris

Hello. This was just something I felt like writing. My stories of late have been character and plot focussed, so I thought I'd have a little change and write a detached very short story. I'd just like to know if you think it reads well, is interesting, or is an actual story.

I welcome any feedback/criticism/advice. Thanks!

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The University cafeteria was crowded. Students were lined up before the cash register, clutching hot pies, cups of soup and coffee, cold drinks, chips, chocolate and other assortments. The tables were filled up. The large tables had to be shared by strangers, strangers who would not look at each other, or talk, but rather sit and eat in silence, wanting the hour to pass quickly. Outside, the wind roared like an ocean, sending the trees swaying, huge branches leaned backwards and touched the concrete. The last leaves of autumn danced in the sky, fleeing the dread of winter. Some students were outside. They sat by buildings, dumpsters and solitary concrete walls that protected car parks. They hunched over, chattering as loudly as they could over the screaming wind. A girl’s hat flew right off. She screamed and chased after it, almost running into a pack of boys, who were sprinting to their next lecture. The girl apologized, the hat disappeared.
The dark rain clouds came. It was what they all expected. First there was the clap of thunder, like jet engines flying over their heads. The drops of water followed. It was light to begin with, like a sprinkler turned on low, but then came the first wave; heavy, blinding, it tore everything up, hurtling itself against the earth, destructive, deadly. The students who were outside quickly ran. Some didn’t even know where they were running to. Some held bags and books over their heads, but it didn’t help. A boy turned a corner too sharply and slipped, his head went into the foot of another boy running like an Olympic sprinter.

The library was their only resort. The librarians screwed their noses as crowds of wet, agitated young people came storming in. With them, they brought the smell of dogs, sweat, perfume and aftershave. It was a combination the librarians were no stranger to, but they detested its presence none the less. The students don’t study in the library, they talk. They gossip about the past and what they’ll do in the future. The girls sit in corners and try to be discreet, but loud giggles and screams fail their best intentions. The boys sit around a table, usually in the reading section; their legs spread open, exerting their manliness, their slickness. They talk about the girls in the corner, who’s going to fuck who in the weekend. As each hour passes, groups go in and out of the library. The volume never ceases, the smell never dissipates.
The new books are brought in, but the head librarian decides to put them out tomorrow morning, when the day is fresh. She doesn’t want them to be exposed to the ripeness of the building. The delivery man waits for the librarian to sign the form. He eyes up the girls in the corner. He looks at their wet hair, damp clothes sticking to their firm bodies, round breasts, long legs. He makes sure to take in every detail before he leaves. The girls do not notice, except for one, but she enjoys it. She even tosses him a smile, something that drives him into a silent frenzy. The librarian gives him back the form. He smiles and leaves.
The rain stops. Suddenly out comes the sun, shining deeply. The rays reflect the wet ground and students who step outside are initially blinded. They shield their eyes; feel the intense heat bearing down on them. It’s as if a new world has been born. The smell of the sun is sweet and gentle, their eyes adjust and they return to their usual hideouts.

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"...Biting my truant pen, beating myself for spite:
Fool! said my Muse to me, look in thy heart and write. - Sir Philip Sidney

smithy

Firstly, I did enjoy it and found it quite easy to read. Is it a short story? I'm not sure how to judge that. It is very descriptive and centers on the rainstorm and how this effects the usual routine of students. Hmm. I think it is. I don't know about the final word "hideouts". They've just come out of the shelter into the sunshine and they would be better to go to "hangouts" or something else maybe? There are some small sentences which could probably be incorporated into others. Very descriptive but some of it may need editing and cutting. cheers smithy

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If you can't laugh at yourself, you may as well laugh at some one else.

Chris

Thanks for the feedback.

I don't really know what it is at the moment. It's more than anything, a writing exercise, I was trying to describe what I saw in my head. I agree, the word "hideout" is not right, and now I'm wondering why I used that word. I really appreciate you taking the time to read my little piece, so thanks again.

- Chris

__________________
"...Biting my truant pen, beating myself for spite:
Fool! said my Muse to me, look in thy heart and write. - Sir Philip Sidney

desired_destiny

I must say I enjoyed reading your story. I really liked the description. Below are some things I wish to point out.

I would change the comma after "swaying" to a period.

There's no reason for the word "right" to be in the sentence. It would be fine without it.

Again, change the comma to a period.

DawnMorningStar

I really like your use of description here. I can see everything clearly in my mind. If I had any advice to give, I would say maybe change a word here and there where you have two of the same close together, such as this:

Maybe change one of the "tables" and one of the "strangers" to something else? Just a suggestion.

The only other thing that I would suggest is to make the story either all past tense or all present tense. Currently you have a mixture, and it's just a bit jarring.

Otherwise though, the story flows smoothly and it's an interesting, realistically portrayed scene. Nicely done!

Chris

desired_destiny,

thanks for the advice! I have to admit, my grammar can be quite awkward so I'm grateful that you pointed stuff like that out. Thanks again for reading it.

DawnMorningStar,

Thanks for reading it. The use of the same words close together was a conscious stylistic choice by me, just to see how it works. I'm glad you responded to that and I will re-work it to see if it reads better. I agree with you on the tense changes, I was reading over it before and realized how awkward some of the sentences sounded because of that. I really appreciate your advice.

- Chris

__________________
"...Biting my truant pen, beating myself for spite:
Fool! said my Muse to me, look in thy heart and write. - Sir Philip Sidney

Kaven

Hi Chris,

I enjoyed reading this, very evocative of university life in places!

That's something I always seem to be doing. and i'm never quite sure if it's a good idea or not. Whilst I've been here i've seen a few people say not to do it, but sometimes I quite like it.

I think here, with 'table' it doesn't quite work, because they are in two separate sentences ... so they're too far apart to be effective, but close enough to seem repetitive.

Here it works better with the word 'strangers' at first, but then the secondary part of the sentence, which I guess is supposed to mirror the first runs on a bit too long so the effect is slightly lost.

Maybe something like:

The tables were filled up, the larger ones having to be shared. Shared by strangers - who would not look at each other, who would not talk to each other. Rather, they sat and ate in silence waiting for the hour to pass.

I don't know that's probably total rubbish. I'm just having a play around with the sentence structure, hope you don't mind, it's quite fun though!

I found it odd reading without a POV. I know that is the case in a lot of descriptive things, but I could imagine if this was the beginning of a short story or something, a character could be introduced to give a POV? Anyway, without one it gave a rather 'clinical' tone to the piece ... which was quite good in a way. It was most effective with the lecherous man, the description of him being very dispassionate, in the same way that his gaze was.

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Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

Chris

Thank you for your feedback Kaven, I really appreciate you putting so much effort into discussing my story. I will definately take your advice and apply it to my work, I agree with you that the success of using the same words so close to each other is dependant on how the sentence is structured, and will take your revisions with great consideration. Again, thanks for reading my story.

- Chris

__________________
"...Biting my truant pen, beating myself for spite:
Fool! said my Muse to me, look in thy heart and write. - Sir Philip Sidney