Linkz

i need critisism on the first chapter. its a short book based ona a tru story of my mate.

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Eat well, Stay fit, Die anyway!!!

Linkz

the book

true story based on a friend.

chapter 1 - life before

"But mum why do we have to go to Australia?" asked Justin as he was thinking of leaving his friends behind.
"We have to. Your father's work is sending us there son." His mother replied sharply in agitation from all the questions.

Noone knew what was going to happen in Justin's life after he moved from America. Things were going to change dramatically. More than anyone would have thought. Even though people knew his life was going to change, noone expected them to change for worse and not for good.

Before Justin came to Australia he was the average 11 year old boy. He had a good family, some pretty good friends and Justin had a pretty good life. Then all of a sudden his Dad gets told to go to this far off place that sounds pretty strange and far off to set up a new part of the company he worked for. Some place called Australia. So Justin had to pack all his stuff and move to this new country for a while. He had to leave all his friends and had to make new ones all over again. He and his parents had a nice flight over and everything seems alright. They made it to Australia and the schools were on holidays at the time so Justin couldn't meet anyone new and make new friends. He and his parents were renting a house place in a suburb called Cronulla but the people who lived around there call it Nulla, so Justin started to call his new suburb Nulla. Well he meet the neighbours and they were some nice people.

Well the holidays finish and Justin got put in to the local school. Cronulla High school. He got to school and got introduced to everyone by the principal. He met a new group of friends. They were good people and were nice to him. A few went to local churchs but he and his family start to go to this church a little bit away from where he lived because his parents knew someone that was going there.

So heres a recap. Justin moved from his home country to this new place Australia which he
didn't mind. He had to leave all his friends but the good thing is that he made some good new ones that were good to him. So in all Justin didn't really mind moving to Australia because he made some good friends and he lived in this really nice house place near a nice beach.

When Justin was in Australia he was a good guy. He stayed with his mates from school and mucked around with them a lot. He kept up with all his work and he was doing pretty well at school and he was getting good grades.

Well the next couple years were pretty good. His life was going well and was about to get better for a while. He had just started to going to the church youth group that the church had been running. There he met some of his best friends that he would have even to this day. Justin had friends like Matt who he hung out with heaps and James. The leaders there were great and they were always nice to him. Well youth group was alot of fun every friday night. The rest of his time in Australia was pretty good. The worst thing that Justin ever did while in is Australia was egg random cars and throw water bombs at some people with s couple of his friends from school like Steve.
"Quick throw it now Justin while he is walking past." Said Steve as a man was walking under his appartment varanda.
"Alright, Alright, I will. here I go." said Justin as he threw the waterbomb down to the unsuspecting victim walking beneath them.
Splash went the waterbomb just missing the target. The man looked up angrily. "Oi you where did you go you little mungrles!" The man yelled at the laughing boys.

It was pretty funny seeing the reactions on their faces he thought to himself. He and his friends laughed their heads off when their aim was acurate. It was hilarious he thought. Well that was probably the worst thing he ever did in Australia. But that wasn't the worst thing he would do in the next few years. What Justin didn't know was that when he went back to America he would get into things that noone should ever get into. He had no idea what he was in for when he got back to his home country.

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Eat well, Stay fit, Die anyway!!!

stiltzkin

I think this story has a lot of potential but you must first remember some of the fundamentals of writing.
Throughout the chapter you were telling the reader about Justin, rather than showing.

There's a huge amount here that you could play around with to perhaps give a clearer view of Justin's character, even his parents characters. It would flesh the story out immensely.

On the other hand if the story in Australia isn't that relevant to the rest of the story, just mention it briefly at the beginning - perhaps even begin the story with Justin returning from Australia.

Keep up the good work.

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Linkz

thx for the advice i havnt written anything before so any critisism would b helpful. the part in australia isnt that important but it still is a little important. where can i find the basics of writing because this is the first time ive ever written anything. thx for the advice again.

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Eat well, Stay fit, Die anyway!!!

Chris

Just a small niggly piggly:

If Justin is from America, wouldn't he call his mum "mom." I know mum sounds better than mom but inconsistences like that can hurt and confuse your story.

While the information presented in this chapter is essential to understanding your protagonist, the way you present it here is not the best way to go about it. You really need to decide if you should give us this information now, or wait until later, which can be conveyed through flash back or dialogue or anything else. What this narrative lacks is control, it continually jumps from different stages in Justin's life, disabling us from getting a good sense of who he is. You need to also decide who is telling the story, you give us a voice, someone who has an opinion (I think the voice goes "it was pretty funny" some stage near the end), but who is it? The author (you)? another character? etc

Where can you find the basics of writing? Books! books and more books! I know it's a boring answer, but reading as much as you can will be the best way to develop your craft. Stephen King reads about 50 novels a year. Read, if you don't have much time, read short stories, novellas, poems, essays. Of course there are probably some writing guides out there, the internet is a useful resource, and so are these forums!

Good luck on your novel.

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Fool! said my Muse to me, look in thy heart and write. - Sir Philip Sidney