desired_destiny

Below is an excerpt from a fantasy novel I'm writing. If anyone could help me improve, I would greatly appreciate it.



“Bob, let me say this again, but slowly… YOU… ARE… FIRED!” was all that Bob could hear while he ran from his angry boss and to the deserted streets of Ameretat, where silence whispered words of comfort in his ample ears.
How could he, the loyal, and ever so kind, Bob Feith be fired? After all, he worked at Grocer’s United for eight years, which seemed like forever. This is because Bob’s brain can not be home to a thought for much longer than eight years. If someone were to ask him what he had been doing nine years ago, all he could do was smile, nod, or lie. Bob did not mind that because he really did not care what happened to him eight years ago, for eight years is quite a long time in his opinion.
Being a grocer never was considered an exciting job. Only those who hadn’t many opportunities were sentenced to a life flooded by food. When Bob graduated from college, he intended on having a job involving danger. Giving consumers their food, smiling and saying, “have a nice day,” was not exactly dangerous. Although, Bob did have to admit, when he saved an old lady from choking on a free sample, he felt danger tingling up and down his spine, ready to explode. He longed for that feeling for eight entire years, never confronting it again.
Now where would he go to? Embarking back to Grocer’s United would cause the situation to become worse. Never again could he stride into that grocery store with pride, waving to everyone in sight, making sure they saw his nametag which wore golden, printed letters, spelling out Bob. His only other option was to go home. But he knew that he could not walk into his house at almost midnight to tell his wife that he no longer was employed. Who knows what she would do! She might demand a divorce. Although a divorce did sound rather beneficial at the moment, he would not leave his wife for his life, or at least eight years of it, that is.
Bob rummaged through his pockets for a quarter to buy himself candy or something that could fill his sorry stomach at the local Sweet Shoppe. Candy was known to work extroadinary miracles. It appeared as if nothing resided in his pocket except a piece of fool’s gold that found its way into his pocket, earlier this morning. When he stumbled upon it he thought he had became wealthy! It is an amazing feeling when you think you’re wealthy. It also is an amazing feeling when you divulge that you actually are not wealthy and that your gold is worthless fool’s gold. He had had two too many amazing feelings today. It was time for him to go home and soak his feet after a gruesomely long day of work. But he could not go home now. He had to think about his future.
Heavy winds whirled in circles around Bob, causing him to feel light and dazzled like a bird soaring throughout endless skies. Fresh tulips created a lively smell that he wished to capture in a bottle to take home to his fussy wife. A tedious rat scattered towards a damp, old park. Bob decided to follow close behind it, either because boredom was getting the best of him or he simply loved rats.
Unaware of who was lurking about, Bob sat down on a red bench next to a sandbox, like a young child would do on a Saturday afternoon, free of worries. Regardless of the fact that he had been fired, Bob enjoyed sitting on the bench, swinging his legs to a beat he heard in the car on his way to work this previous morning. Suddenly the beat swayed from his mind and another sound swayed into it, causing him to jump. He heard leaves rustle in the wind. Chills poked his arms, warning him of what was yet to come.
Bob quickly turned around to see… a child! He knew that children played in the park whenever they found time to, but midnight did not seem like an appropriate time…
At first glance, Bob did not think that she was a child. Her beauty was much too glorious to be that of a child’s, but she was very short compared to him. The dark, silky hairs of her head waved in the moonlight, revealing a serious, golden face painted bright by cosmetics. Her posture was perfect and straight, rare as that was.
A few words so soft and gentle glided out of her mouth making Bob think that she was not speaking English, alternately a forgein tongue.

Novicewriter

WOW!!! That was really good and I would love to see more. I wish I could write like that . Seriously though, I loved what I read and I do want to see more,

Bill (Novicewriter)

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"There are only two things that scare me...Dr. Evil and Carnies. You know, circus folk. They have small hands and smell like cabbage."

desired_destiny

Novicewriter

Oh please do It really kept me reading, and wanting more...I like stories like that... the ones that keep me wanting more.

Bill (Novicewriter)

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"There are only two things that scare me...Dr. Evil and Carnies. You know, circus folk. They have small hands and smell like cabbage."

Alys R.

Why is it fantasy? It 's reading more like romance o_O

First thought: "Wait, he has more than two ears?" Come on, there's tons of better synonyms for 'big' ;P

cannot, and I still don't entirely understand that sentence... he can't think the same thing for 8 years? Yeah I understand, but I think it should be rephrased >_>

extraordinary

abaft: toward the stern from. I've never heard of it in my life, but ok, that's unique, although it doesn't scan at all

foreign

awkward. "because" could be used twice

I've never seen adjectives modify a noun like this before

desired_destiny

later in the story, it turns into fantasy. thanks for the advice!

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Words have no wings but they can fly a thousand miles.

desired_destiny

Sorry about the spelling mistake. It was a typo.

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Words have no wings but they can fly a thousand miles.

MiloDaePesdan

[Ah, I've found a little excerpt on your novel!] Looks and _sounds_ interesting. Writing though, would need a little touching up maybe.

Just a thought.

Edited version: How could he, the loyal and ever so kind Bob Feith, be fired?

You don't necessarily need the two other commas. It may be for emphasis on the situation, yet I think it's a bit too much. Well, to me I get the same effect with the edited version. But maybe it's just what little *sense* in me prefers to see.

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desired_destiny

Thank-you very much for reading it. I completely agree that the sentence should be changed.

Could you be a little more specific on what I need to touch up with? I knew that my beginning needed work, but could you tell me with what?

MiloDaePesdan

Sure. Hmm...firstly, whenever you post, do you mind just spacing out the paragraphs? Helps the eyes, you see.

Like this:

Lastly: will you give a little detail as to how Bob looks like? You could do it subtly, introducing pieces here and there, but I want to visualize him.

All in all, good piece of work. Spelling isn't much of a priority except with some specific words, you do well enough. Do keep writing, you have considerable skill.

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desired_destiny

Sorry, I was too lazy to space them out...

I didn't think it was important for the readers to know what he looks like, because he's not going to be in the story that much.

Thanks.

__________________
Words have no wings but they can fly a thousand miles.