Bad Craziness

Howdy folks. What i have below is straight off the top of my head, with very little editing so keep that in mind. What i'm generally after opinions about is the flow/atmosphere/general ambience of the story. Do you like it? Would you read more of this? How can it be better? etc. I'm actually just trying to gauge how interested people are in this sort of genre(topical). Enjoy...

Cadbury sparked up the withered joint. He was a habitual pot smoker for no other reason than he was bored with life. What was there to be excited about anyway? School? Work? Girls? Fuck off. Maybe girls were a slight distraction from the dreariness of everyday life but in Cadbury’s experience they always seemed like too much trouble, the good ones anyway. Was it really that hard to find someone with a similar taste in music, movies and books who owned a pair of breasts? Quite frankly, yes.

The beans crackled and crunched as Bill shuffled about, trying to get comfortable on the bag. The beanbag itself was covered in stains. Liquor, milk, spit, vomit, urine, cum. Bill didn’t mind, it was his beanbag. He gladly accepted the spliff from Cad as he brushed the dirty blonde hair from his thin, good-looking face. He took a long, slow drag before inhaling it into his lungs and exploding with splutters and coughs of phlegm and saliva. “Cough to get off man” Cad laughed into his face. Bill wiped his mouth on a seemingly clean corner of the bag and held out the soggy joint. Cad’s skinny fingers tenderly clasped the poorly-rolled stub. “Piss off Cad, you’ve already had a bang. It’s my fuckin turn”. Pillow’s real name wasn’t Pillow. That’s just what Cad and Bill called him because he was soft down below. Pillow’s real name was Leonard, which Cad and Bill thought was camp enough anyway. Pillow was of a stature that wouldn’t be taken lightly by any stranger. He was big and he was tall, the kind of character that people kept well away from on any occasion. The poor bastard was born naturally mean. He had a face that crumpled when he smiled. His eyebrows would point down towards his nose and instead of a smile it looked more like some sadistic psychopathic grin. The other two lads had known Pillow since they were five years old. No one your own age is scary when you’re five.

“Alright Pil, keep your shirt on” Cad replied as he passed the weed on after taking a sharp toke. “I paid for the fucking weed’ complained Pillow “why the fuck do I get the bloody sloppy roach?”

“Now Pil, you’ve got to understand. There are several factors that go into who gets the first puff. Who rolled it, who’s house are we choofing in, who’s the best looking. Those kind of things”

“Piss off Bill” Pillow managed in between fits of coughing. “Ya dickhead”. “Now Pil, if you’re really that upset about things I’ve already suggested that you invest in a proper bong.” Bill suggested. He lay his head back against the bag. In his hightened state he could feel the individual beans of the bag pressing into the back of his scalp. Cadbury got up from the bed and walked over to the massive stereo Bill had sitting in his room. Apparently a cousin of Bill’s had gotten hold of some dodgy speakers and sold them to his for next to nothing. Cadbury had to admit that they were bloody good. He cranked the sound as Pete Townshend started cracking out windmills. Cadbury began to air guitar along with the song.

Pillow leant back against the hard door and watched his two dickhead friends. The boys had been drinking since lunch that day, shortly after Bill’s parents had left to go on holidays. They had started with beer, then bourbon, then rum, and finally some colourful stuff. Pillow didn’t know what it was called. The day had drifted through accompanied by the emotions of Jim Morrision, Neil Young, Zeppelin, Jeff Beck, Pink Floyd. Merging together as the boys drifted into inebriation. Pillow felt his stomach gurgle. It wasn’t happy. He could feel his bile bubbling to the bottom of his throat. Pillow had to laugh as he watched Cadbury, eyes tightly closed, as he strummed his invisible guitar. Bill was on another mindscape, writhing around while burrowing his head into the beanbag. Pillow tried to swallow the vomit back down into his stomach. It was no use, he could feel it coming. The impending rot could not be contained and he opened his mouth and vomited the filth into the clothes basket sitting next to him. The room swirled around him. Cadbury and Bill were laughing. “Pillow you fucking softcock”. Empty blackness. Spinning. Goodnight.




The bright rays of mid-morning sunlight burst through the cracks of the Venetian blinds. It wasn’t the light that bothered Pillow so much as the heat. He had that filthy, hungover sweat dripping from his pores and had been left to boil in his own putrid vomit. Bill and Cadbury were nowhere to be seen. Pillow’s throat was sharp as he forced down some saliva. His mouth was dry and he felt a deep yearning for litres of cold water to quench his thirst. He peeled the shirt of his body and threw it into the bin. Groggily, he picked himself and tramped down the hallway to the bathroom. As he Pillow opened the door he was hit with a wall of steam. The mirror and windows were fogged up and Pillow could hardly see a foot in front of his own face. As the steam poured through the new escape Pillow’s sight became clearer. Cadbury’s spindly figure lay curled in the foetal position on the floor of the shower. Torrents of hot water continued to pour onto his naked flesh as Pillow stood in bewilderment. He wondered how long Cadbury had been lying in there for. Pillow reached into the shower and turned the hot tap off. Cadbury awoke with startled fury as the icy water rained down upon him. Scared and surprised, he leapt from the shower cubicle and slipped on the tile floor, landing with a sharp smack on the cool green granite.

Chris

I like your writing style, your vocabularly and descriptions. The scene you set is very visual, I can picture it in my head. I think it is well written in that sense.

Now I realize this is a very rough and off the top of your head draft, so I apologize if I'm giving any advice you have already taken into account.

But in terms of plotting and character, I found it to be quite confusing. Why the constant change of perspective? The story seems to begin as an account of Cadbury's life, and suddenly, in the second paragraph we're into a whole section about Bill. Then further down, this random guy named Pillow pops up and now we follow him. I didn't feel I had enough time with each character to get to know them, to understand their relationships to each other. Who is your protagonist? Do you plan on this being a novel or a short story? If a short story, it'd be best to limit your points of views.

As for the characters themselves, I know this is only a short section from your story, but they didn't really feel different from each other. It would also be interesting if you introduced some dynamics between them. For example, who does Cadbury like better? Does Pillow secretly hate Bill? Is Bill in love with Cadbury's sister (or Cadbury?!)? Introduce some tension between them, conflict is what keeps people reading.

Whether I'd keep on reading? Well so far you've told me a story about three guys getting high, call me a prude but I don't warm to those kind of stories UNLESS there is an interesting hook. The last scene with the shower admittedly sparked my curiosity, but the rest didn't really seem to go anywhere. That being said, you could effectively use the smoking drugs scene to foreshadow, develop conflict, relationships etc.

I know I have written more criticism than compliments, but I find criticism more useful. This is just my advice, if you don't agree that's fine. I wish you the best of luck in developing this story, and while, like I said, there is a lot of critcism, you do write very well and look forward to seeing more of your stuff.

- Chris

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"...Biting my truant pen, beating myself for spite:
Fool! said my Muse to me, look in thy heart and write. - Sir Philip Sidney

sully474

I like some of what you have done with the imagery in it, you always know what is happening around them. Oddly enough, I was picturing the house as one that my friend owns. You have done a really good job with the visual parts.

The writing side of it should come with editing. Like Chris said, it seems to be very jumpy between charcaters. An intro to the story would be nice. Some thing like how Cadbury had his friends there, and where exactly they were. I kinda pictured a forest scene in the first paragraph.

The characters are somewhat of an empty shell. They seem like they are going through the motions, but the reader never really finds out why. They need personality

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Bad Craziness

Much appreciated guys. You have both given me valuable insight and motivation. Through your comments I have a whole new angle on where this story is going. Thank-you very much.