ChloeLee12

Go easy on me, this is my first story...
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Amy walked out of the plant and garden section of Taget holding a bag of soil,seeds, and a few of those pointy rod things. As she approached her car she got out her keys and pressed the unlock button. She put the bag on top of all of her other bags (it was obvious she'd been shopping). She closed the door and got in the car. She started it up, and turned her Eminem cd all the way up. As she drove away, she rolled down the window so she could annoy everyone she passed with her music. It was late, all the stores were closing soon, so she drove towards the hotel her and the guys were staying in. Ahead she saw a long line of cars waiting. There had been a car crash and nobody,thinking someone else had, had called the police. But it didn't matter now. Everyone in the car was dead already. Amy didn't want to wait, and looking around she saw an opening in the seemed-like-million trees next to the road, and figuring it was an old dirt road, she decided to try it. Just to see where it led. But the more she drove into the trees, the darker it got. Then, Amy felt the car bounce up a little as she runs over something. She quickly stopped, and got out of the car to see who..or what she hit. Under her car, she saw a poor little dog's lifeless body. "aww. poor thing!" Amy thought to herself, feeling really sad and guilty,as she picked up the almost dead dog, and put him in her car. But as she stepped in, she heard a rustling sound from the leaves behing her car. She grabbed a flash light out from under her seat, and went to see what was behing the car. She screamed as she saw a bloody knife drop from the tree above her. She quickly looked up in the trees and saw nothing. Someone had been there recently-the blood on the knife was fresh. She jumped back into her car, and turned back to the main road. She wasn't sure what was back in the woods, and she didn't want to find out any time soon....

Shadows raise, i hear your cry
Be prepared, for you will soon die.

He picked up his knife and walked away...

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Amy drove into the parking lot of the hotel she was staying in. She had dropped the dog off at a local vet on the way home. She got her bags out of the back of her car and made her way up the flight of stairs leading to her room. It was late, so all the guys in the band were already asleep. She quietly slipped into her room, put her things away, and walked into the bathroom to take a quick shower. She turned on the water, took off her clothes,washed her hair, blah blah blah...But as she was getting out of the shower, she heard something hit the window. She looked back and pulled up the pulley-curtain thing. She saw a peice of paper with writing on it, but couldn't read it through the tinted winow. She opened the window just enough to get the paper out. She unfolded it and read the words "you are going to die soon" She slowly backed away from the window, and ran out of the bathroom. She quickly got dressed, and ran out into the hallway of the hotel. She was less likley to get killed if there were people around. But since it was the middle of the night no one was around. She got in the elavator and headed to the first floor. There might be someone by the check out counter that she could talk to, or wait with until morning. She walked out near the main rooms, and saw a few people waiting, so she felt safe enough to sleep there until morning. But as people left, and the room got emptier, she couldn't sleep. Amy went back to their floor and snuck into her boyfriend, Shaun's room. She usually wouldn't bother Shaun but now she was to creeped out to care. After some reasurance (*winkwink*) she eventually fell asleep...

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Early the next morning , Amy woke up in Shaun's room. She quickly gathered her clothes, and sneeked out, and back into her own. She spent the rest of the morning in her room debating whether or not she should tell anyone about the note (besides Shaun who already knew), or the occurance in the woods. Then all of a sudden her phone rang. She hesitated to answer it at first, but when she did....

Amy: Hello?

Shaun: Amy, theres a phone in the bathroom!

Amy: and?

Shaun: and... *girly voice* i can like..talk to you...an be in the bathroom at the same time! *Amy laughs* so...ya snuck out this morning....was i snoring or something?

Amy: *laughs again* oh Shaun, you always make me laugh! but no, i just...went back to my room..

Shaun: ok...ya feel better now?

Amy: alittle. you think i should tell anyone about the note? it mighta just been a prank, or it might have been there when we checked in the hotel. and what hit the window might have justy been an acorn or something...

Shaun: i dunno, if you dont want to, i guess ya dont have to. but if anything else happens, you probably should. just to be safe...

Amy: yea. i guess i will. last night on the way home from Target, i found a dog on the side of the road (she feels bad for lyimg to him, but she doesn't wanna tell him what really happened). i brought him to the vets. i have to go pick him up later. wanna come?

Shaun: sure...

^^^^^^^^

Later that day, Amy and Shaun went to lunch, and to pick up the dog. The vet explained what was wrong with the dog, and gave them some stuff for it. The car ride home....

Shaun~ *driving* what should we do with him?

Amy~ i dunno...keep him till we find it's owner?

Shaun~ how we gonna find the owner?

Amy~ ummmm.....keep him? we can call him Bob!

Shaun~ *laughs* Bob...ya think you can be more creative? how about Shaun?!

Amy~ thats creative? *laugh* ok, we'll call him Shaun. *kisses dog* hi Shaun! hi Shauny!! your so cute, yes you are!! if i ever have kids i want them to look like you..well, not really, but your still cute!! if Shaun's the dad, they probably will look like you though. *sticks out tongue at Shaun..real Shaun*

Shaun~ *shakes head* you are one creepy freak of nature...

Amy~ *smirk* i love you to, honey...

__________________
~Jenn

Any other side, my words unspoken.

Praetorian

First of all, the phone conversation shouldn't be set up like that. Continue the phone conversation as if it was a real conversation.

Totally wrong.

Then, all of a sudden her phone rang. She hesitated to answer it at first. The phone didn't seem to get the clue, and kept ringing. She picked it up nervously, and slowly put it to her ear.
"Hello?" She asked tentatively.
"Amy, there's a phone in the bathroom," she heard her boyfriend exclaim. Relieved, she let out the breath she was holding, and smiled.
"And?"
"...and I can like, talk to you, and be in the bathroom, like, at the same time!" Shaun feigned a cheerleader voice. Amy laughed at his impression.
"So...you snuck out this morning. Did my snoring scare you off?"
Amy laughed again, and shook her head even though Shaun couldn't see it.
"Oh, Shaun! You always make me laugh. Of course you didn't scare me away. I just...wanted to go back to my room."

etc...

Also, why is she in a hotel? Why is her boyfriend staying in another room?

There is little clarity. like:
So what was wrong with the dog? Let us know. It isn't imperative for us to know what was wrong, but if you are going to include the fact that the vet told the characters what was wrong, you might as well let us know too.

Read your piece from the reader's point of view. Set it aside for a few days, and come back to it. You'll read it and say, "Where are they again?" Clarity is key. You have to tell US the story. We need to know everything. You need to act like you are explaining what is happening to a blind, stupid person. You need to express how the character feels, what they are wearing, how the weather is. See what I am saying?

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"Igitur qui desiderat pacem, praeparet bellum." --Epitoma Rei Militaris," by Vegetius.

moonandsun

Avoid "ya" at all costs, even if the charecter's are speaking like that. Don't put actions in *these* just type them out and remember to always use quotations when a person is speaking not This: blah blah

It was pretty confusing, why are they in a hotel but, she still knows where the local vet is? Maybe you could have as they moved into a new apartment instead of staying in the hotel which would explain his amazement at bathroom-phones.

Though, I must say you picked a great name for the lead female. Of course, I'm a little biased since my name is Amy...

__________________
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read. "
-Groucho Marx

MrsShaunMorgan

Jesus, leave her alone for God's sake! She is pretty good with fanfics, and why would you criticize what a writer does? Seriously..you need to get a lesson on writing, people write how they want. Also...Moon....are you aware that the reason Chloe used the name Amy is because that is the name of the lead singer of Evanescence and this is an Evanescence fanfiction. DUH.

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Arkansas Democrat Gazette ~ "It seems as though the Evanescence lead singer, Amy Lee, could gargle in the shower, slap it on a CD and sell a couple hundred thousand copies."

*~Rock Royalty~*

*~*~*~*~Francesca~*~*~*~*

ChloeLee12

oh my god, Frankie, you just tottally blew my cover!!! i tried to edit it so it wouldn't be about them, you suck!! lmao! but that probably explains why it sucks...if you read the original, youd probably understand it! and you really love that username dont you? you use it on every site now! lol Thanks for standing up for me, but this section is for people to help writers and give them tips and stuff, and thats what they did...are you going to post your stories here? you should cuz they rock! anyways, i feel a little better about posting here, because now that your here, i have someone i know, so its not like im talking to complete strangers! by the way, "Chloe" is my dog's name, mine is Jenn. (but you already knew that.) i dont know what else to say, so i guess ill talk to you later...

PS~ sorry if that sounded rude, i really do appriciate you sticking up for me! and weren't Amy and Shaun so awesome on Pepsi Smash?!?! i hope someone on Evboard got a screencap of that little butt-bump thing...

PSS~ im so jelous that you had an avatar that fit! lol all the ones i wanted to use were to big so i had to use one of the website's

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~Jenn

Any other side, my words unspoken.

strokesnstripes

People may writer how they want, but there are certain things that shouldn't be done. I don't belive using the chat and message board rule that asteriks imply an action should be used in any writing, fan fiction or otherwise.
Also, I know Ev is a very popular band (I love their music too), but not everyone who has heard their music knows that the lead singer's name is Amy. And fewer still would have any idea that Amy is dating Shaun Morgan...so you saying "DUH" isn't really appropriate.
Just chill out.


-EDIT- I should have guessed you guys were fellow evboarders.

moonandsun

Uh, sorry? I'm not much of evanscence fan. But as for criticizing what a writer does? This forum is called Critique and Advice, if a writer does not want advice then they really shouldn't post here.

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"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read. "
-Groucho Marx