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Marcus' guide to Everyday life
ok here is something i wrote earlier this morning, which was in fact at 3 a.m. once again all advice and comments welcome
Dancing
Alright let’s start things off on the right foot, and for all you left handed people then we start on the left for, which is in fact wrong, but what can you do.... that’s right nothing because this is my book. Mohohohaha. But on a serious note dancing *cue in the Dun Dun Dunnnn music* oddly enough can be put into a similar category as swimming.
That category I’m talking about is what I would like to call useless and dangerous. Yes my friends dancing can be hazardous to your health if you’re not careful. But fear not that is why I am here. To equip you with the basic fundamentals of dancing. Interesting, you might say or you might also say lame. For all you know, by reading this my advice could save you from getting served.
The Wedding
In the first scenario we find Bob at a friend’s wedding reception, where the music is good, the booze is flowing , and the women are really dancing. Unfortunately for this young lad, he doesn’t know how to dance. So bob heads to the bar and tries to obtain as much alcohol he can without making himself look like an ass.
The reason he is doing this, is just incase a lady asks him to dance she will: A.) Notice he is drunk and will walk away. B.) Try to make him dance, but he is too drunk to do anything, thus having her sit him back down. After a few minutes and a few drinks bob stumbles his way into a corner and watches all the people dance. He’s in the corner because it will be harder to find him, when a ladies wants to find a dance.
Sadly for bob a bridesmaid spots him. She slowly walks up to him, like a killer slowly stalks it’s victim. Not knowing what to do, bob panics. As though she could smell his fear, she smiles.
“Would you like to dance?” she asks staring him down.
“Um...sure.” he said getting up. Saying those two words were bob’s first mistake because he knows he can’t dance and the liquor is starting to wear off, which meant in a matter of minutes bob would be sober again.
As they inched closer and closer to the dance floor, bob’s heart and pulse began to race and his palms became unnaturally sweat. Do not worry fellow readers for there is a dance that can be used in this type of situation. For I know all of you are on the edge of your seat wondering oh no, oh no what will ever happen to bob. The dance I’m about to describe is known as the “Grocery Shopper”
It’s Simple:
First- you place both hands in front of you, like you’re pushing a shopping cart.
Second- when the music starts, begin to shake your head to the left and the right.
Thirdly- while still shaking your head, act as though you’re shopping. i.e. lift your left arm and grab for an item on the invisble shelf and put it into the cart. Do the same thing with the right arm. Periodically look at the invisble item and then put it in the cart.
Fourth- Lather, Rinse, and Repeat until the end of the song.
Luckily for bob that was the last song and everyone was leaving the reception. And that is how bob survived a close encounter of the dancing kind at a wedding reception.
Marcus’ Advice
1. Avoid the wedding at all costs, if not refer to below.
2. At the reception try to get drunk, but not to drunk.
3. If you are spotted by a woman, act as though you are sleeping
4. If the above does not work, use this excuse “um..well you see cow catapulting ninjas are after me.”
5. If that doesn’t work, and you dance preform the grocery shopper.
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