sully474

Be harsh with the suggestions

Chapter 2: Johnny Applebee
“Dude, I need this apartment.” said the pants less wonder, breathlessly.

“Oh great, can you pay the $700 per month?” I questioned. He ignored me.

“Uh whatever, I’m Johnny Applebee” said the wannabe streaker.

"Ok, Johnny but can you get us the money?” I asked.

“What money?” was Johnny’s reply. The guy was as thick as a wall, and I personally think that you could have a better and more intelligent conversation with the wall.

“The 700 bucks for rent.” I answered like I was talking to a three year old.

“Yeah, I want that apartment.” he replied. Talking to this guy is totally pointless, and on top of that he looked like a total idiot with no pants on. Unfortunately I had to show the Applebee guy some respect, even though anybody as dumb as he is don’t deserve any, because it was now quite possible that he would be taking the extra apartment off of our hands.

“Ok, we need the money to be at 286 Dill St. Apartment 3B every month on the 18th.” I happily told my new tenant while trying to supress all attempts to laugh at him.

“Sure thing!” he replied. “How much money is rent?”

I went back to the apartment feeling great about ditching the junky room with that guy. For some reason he didn’t even ask to see the pile of junk before he agreed to buy the lease from us. Hopefully he would always have the rent on time for us. “We” Jimmy said as if he were announcing himself as the King of England, “have jobs!” My total joy lasted for about four seconds.

“Our new jobs at Colgate pay seven dollars an hour for screwing the lids onto the tubes of toothpaste. The best part is, that we only have to work eight hours every week.” said Jimmy triumphantly. I quickly did the math. When I figured it out I couldn’t believe his stupidity. That would mean that we would only get $448 every month. Not near enough to cover rent, let alone the car insurance and other things like food. I could have killed him. He had been sitting around waiting for my return with a couple bags of chips and a case of pop to celebrate our new jobs, but when he saw the rage in my eyes he rapidly decided to take refuge in the bathroom, even though I hadn’t even said a word yet. We were doomed.

After hiding away in our pink bathroom for an hour, he came out to find that most of the pink was gone. The room was too bright for me so I had to start taking it down if I had hoped to get any sleep tonight. At six in the morning we had finally finished the room. Even the walls weren’t pink anymore. It was bare because we were too tired to put our stuff in yet, and we had dripped some of the paint onto the floors, but at least the pink was gone into the hall for now.

The next day was our last before school started. We both slept in till 2:30. That was when Mr. Maxwell had knocked on our door to find out where all of the garbage had come from. I blamed whoever it was who lived in room 3D for all of it.

When we went to the lobby for a newspaper with all of the job listings inside it, we were nearly trampled by a mob who had just barged through the front doors of the apartment building. The man behind the desk was yelling at them to get out of here, but nobody other than Jimmy and I could hear him. Leading the way for the rest of the mob, who had just trampled over some of the furniture in the front room, was none other than Johnny Applebee, chanting, “Party! Party! Party!” at the top of his lungs, to cheers from the other hundred or hundred and fifty people behind him.

“Pretty cool neighbours, eh, Marty?” said Jimmy excitedly. I had a look of shock in my eyes.

“That’s not our neighbour! That’s our tenant!” I screamed. “He’s the guy who got my apartment, and he’s heading for our room!” Why did I have to tell Johnny Applebee where we lived. This was all my fault.

“NOOOOoooooooo!” We yelled in unison. We charged up the stairs to find Applebee charging ten dollars to get in to the party in our room. An hour later, we finally got rid of everyone, and made Applebee give back the money he had charged. Everybody was fuming.

“Why did you give the money back? How else am I supposed to pay for rent?” yelled Applebee. “I don’t plan on getting a job!”

“You let people trash our place so that you could get the rent money for us? I’m gonna kill you!” screamed Jimmy.

“You stupid Crapplebee!” Those were the only words that I could get out of my mouth.

“Fine,” said Johnny sharply. “I’ll just have to get the money the old-fashioned way.” Then he stormed out the door and slammed it so hard that one of the hinges broke.

“A job will do that guy some good!” I exclaimed.

“The old-fashioned way! You’re crazy! Work? Ha! Ha! Ha! I’m gonna steal it!” screamed Johnny from outside the door.

“I hope he gets caught. He’d deserve it!” I told Jimmy.

“We can’t let him, Marty.” cried Jimmy. “As much as I want him to go to jail after what he’s done, if he’s in jail, then we have two apartments to pay for again.” Simultaneously, we groaned and fell back on our beds, which were pretty much all that were left of our apartment. Actually, it was more a nuclear waste dump than an apartment.

I woke to the sound of Jimmy’s voice yelling, “Marty! Get up! Damage report! Now!”

We moped around all morning, Jimmy with a notebook in his hand, counting up what was broken, and what it was worth, while I threw it away.

“Okay, we’re $997.43 in the hole. I think we should take him to court for...Well we should for something anyway.”said Jimmy in his finance report.

“Yeah we definitely need the money lets go right now” I said.

“Wow take it easy there tiger, we can do that later we have class now.” He replied.

Emma LB

Ok, maybe it would have been better to post chapter 1 first ... I was getting very confused at one point, but that's because I didn't know anything about this Jimmy, and just read that as Johnny .
Some things weren't very clear, but that's probably to do with the fact that I haven't read chapter 1.
I mean, how come they have such expensive flats, and two of them at that? and how come they trust this Johnny? I think you need to go into a bit more detail here. Maybe he should at least appear to be a bit smarter, I can't imagine anyone trusting him to deliver the rent in time otherwise. Where is this flat anyway? I suppose it's a very undesirable location , but can't they just give back one of the flats if they only need one? Why rent two?
As I said, you've probably addressed the last few questions in the 1st chapter, but I think you'll have to go into a bit more detail on the Johnny and why she decides she can trust him (at first).
you have some colloquial grammar in the text (not the dialogue), which you might want to remove.

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sully474

Chapter 1 has already been posted. It was a while ago.

It says, Unamed Book: Chapter 1: Welcome to Toronto.


Thanks for the advice. I suppose that some of it really doesn't make a whole lot of sense.

Emma LB

ahh... i didn't realise you'd already posted chapter one, sorry

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sully474

Anybody else???

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