It's cute. Heartfelt, but I don't really get it...I'll get to that, but first:
The only bad thing is that you make common grammatical mistakes, as well as formation mistakes.
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Even though we have only known each other for a short while. I feel as if I have known you all my life.
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Even though we have only known each other for a short while, I feel as if I have known you all my life.
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I can look deep into your soul and know that you are for me. See myself with you for a very long time if not forever.
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I can look deep into your soul and know that you are for me, seeing myself with you for a very long time, if not forever. OR
I can look deep into your soul and know that you are for me. I see myself with you for a very long time, if not forever.
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I finally drift away thinking about you and having your name forever inscribed in my eyelids.
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I finally drift away, thinking about you, and having your name inscribed forever in my eyelids.
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Sleeping peacefully and dreaming about you, while knowing all along that my dreams may never become reality.
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You need a subject in your sentence.
I sleep peacefully, and dream about you, knowing all along that my dreams may never become reality.
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Then when I see you that next time all of the rules are thrown out the window. All my plans are unmade. For the next time I see you, you are in your boyfriend’s arms. Those arms that I can only wish one day I will fill.
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Then, the next time I see you, all of the rules are thrown out the window, all of my plans unmade. The next time I see you, you are in your boyfriend's arms. Arms that I can only wish that one day I will fill.
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feel myself falling deeper and deeper for you and not being able to stop. Not wanting to stop loving you.
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I feel myself falling deeper and deeper into the abyss of love, and the last thing I want to do is to stop falling; stop loving you.
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Your love has become so deep, so powerful.
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How do you know of her love? What has she shown you to make you think her love is deep and powerful?
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Even though we have only known each other for a short while. I feel as if I have known you all my life. Soul mates if you will, and made for each other.
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Even though we have only known each other for a short while, I feel as if I have known you all my life. We are the ever cliched soul mates, made for each other.
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The next day I get to see you again. And this time there is no boyfriend there.
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Don't say next day. Time has no relevance in this piece, unless you are depicting how long it took for her to warm up to you. Also, you do the sentence seperation again.
"...see you again
, and this time..."
...sorry, I would post more, but I am tired and there is still much more to be corrected. Tomorrow, perhaps.
The basic point is that you need to stop writing like you speak. When you put yourself into that mindset, you seperate parts of sentences that do not need to be seperated.
Like if I just wrote the sentence;
"The basic point is that you need to stop writing as you speak."
I would have writtten as so if I was not thinking about its structure, and just the way I say it.
"The basic point, is that you need to stop writing as you speak."
In real life, I would seperate "The basic point" and "is" with that comma. A comma means a pause, and when saying that sentence, I would pause at "The basic point." See what I am saying. Never start a sentence with But or And.
I love you, but I'm scared.
I love you. But I am scared. <<< You would seperate that into two sentences because when you speak it, you are going to pause in between saying "I love you" and "but I am scared."
Try to cut down on your sentences. Several of the sentences you wrote could have easily merged into the sentence before it.
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I know that you have a boyfriend. I have known all along. But to me… he wasn’t real.
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I have known all along that you have a boyfriend, but to me he isn't real."
*Wasn't doesn't work because you are speaking in the present tense when you say I have known along that you
have a boyfriend. What is infered from that statement, is that she still has him. Therefore, he
isn't real.
Understand?
Now, for the part about how I don't get it. Did you get the girl? Are you just dreaming about how you got the girl?
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A simple kiss, a choice that was made. I know you can’t.
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You say "a choice that was made", but then you say "I know you can't". So did she, or didn't she make that choice. If she didn't, then the simple kiss wasn't made. You have to make sure your sentences are clear. Clarify any questions one might have while reading your piece.
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A simple kiss, a choice that was made. I know you can’t. Know you won’t. Loving you for not allowing it. This game that we play is the most dangerous game out there. The game of love, and the choices around it. I want to play this game with you. Play this game forever. To love you. As I wish you would love me.
That night I lay on my bed thinking about everything that happened that day. Our conversations full of laughter, jokes, and the ever present sarcasm that fills our day with fun. And again I drift off to sleep with you on my mind. And as I sleep sweet tears fall down my face as I fall to sleep. Tears of confusion, tears of joy, and a tear of love.
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A terrific ending, if written properly.
It is just a simple kiss, a simple choice to make, but I know you can't. I know you won't, and I love you even more for not allowing it. This game, the game of love and the choices imbedded in it, is the most dangerous game out there. All I want to do it play this game forever with you. All I want is for you to love me as I love you.
I lay on my bed thinking about when we are together. Our conversations full of laughter, jokes, and the ever present sarcasm that fills our day with fun, and joy. Once again I drift off to sleep with you on my mind, and as I sleep, sweet tears fall down my face. They are the tears of confusion, tears of joy, and tears of pure love.
That would be *loosely* my take on the ending.
Overall, terrific start. I like it, it is very heartfelt, and I know exactly what you are feeling. I have felt that way many times, pining for someone I cannot have. It is a horrible existance, but so beautiful when put into words...
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