Not an overly original way to start a story. Lone bounty hunter type meets suspected badguy in a bar and they have a shootout.
The narrative seems too forced.
Quote:
|
Kei Morikawa trudges through four inch deep standing water that floods Shinaku’s streets---Its been raining for the last fifteen days, straight. A constant rain, and absolutely nothing could stop it. An odd kind of exception for Hell.
|
From the rest of the story, I get the impression this is some place on earth. If so, the Hell reference here seems overtly melodramatic. (I was actually looking forward to this taking place in hell.
)
The action scene is lacking any real intensity for me. Everybody reaching into their pockets was a humorous image. Not exacltly what I think you had in mind.
The opening to your story needs to make a more forceful impact. The lone bounty hunter slant is treateningly cliche'd.
Even the bartender is exactly as I would have imagined him before you told us he was a retired bounty hunter. Stories that can be easily guessed at leave little to the readers imagination and they will quickly lose interest.
You also seem very preoccupied with the whole neo-retro thing. If that plays a significant part of your story, then let us in on it. If not, and you're only using it to set the mood, then I think less is more.
Hope that makes sense. It's just my opinion, I could be wrong.
Good luck.
