Shy_Love

ok....so I started writing this and got mad because it wasn't truning out right...so please help me out! here it is

she walked out into the rain
looking up into the deep sky
the water runs down her face
she falls to her knees and begins to cry

she hasn’t shown the love He deserves
she hasn’t been faithful and true
she begs for His forgiveness
she wants to start over anew

the water falling harder
she begins to sing
holding her self in her arms
”My God, My everything”

to kneel in worship before of all
doesn’t seem so humiliating anymore
to show her love for her Father
to express her gatefulness towards her Lord

there are bruises on her knees
from kneeling in the rain
she will never hide them
or speak of them with shame

amazed at His very concept
to great for my mind to grasp
Father I love You and live off your ever word
I will forever put you first and never last

parts of it don't seem to flow and my mind is fried so I need some help!

Biowulf

I'm not great at this, but I'll give it a try:

Some of the words are mispelled, and it breaks up your concentration when your reading it.

A few of the lines are to long and disjointed, I had that problem with mine (Green Paper Lie).

Some of the words are, sort of, off, I guess they're to long, or they just don't fit, you could use some words that mean the same thing- but sound better.

"New" (second verse) could be "Anew", it would sound sort of elegant I think.

"God you are my everything" could be shortened to "My God, My everything"

"Knee" (fourth verse) is one of those words that break up the rythm:
"Kneel"

"Infront" could be "Before" another of those, more "elegant", words.

"Theres" (fifth verse) would sound better as "There are-" and "left" could be removed from that sentence without changing the meaning.

Well -looks sheepish- I sorta' wen't over board with the corrections, but this is would help it "flow" a bit better- at least for me anyway.

God Bless You-

~Jonathon Isil Unithial
(Biowulf)

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(Blacklight is the personal writing site of Biowulf, short storys, poetry, and links are all there)

junelim

i think it is nice... you are writing to praise... if it comes from your heart you should be proud of it ...

though the "ever" i think it sud be "every" rite?

all in all i like the write..

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June Lim

= I may not be able to change the world I see around me, but I can change the way I see the world within me =

www.quothzephyr.tk

Shy_Love

Biowulf, thank you for your help. I fixed the parts you had talked about. I hope that makes it flow better.

Junelim, Thank you for your kind words. it is my praise from my heart. I want nothing more then to show how much I love my Father in most of my writings...
Thank you