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Old 07-03-2004, 10:24 AM   #1
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Biowulf
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Green Paper Lie

I'm very new to this, so some of this poem is sorta' disjointed- my favorite verses are the last two. :P


Green Paper Lie

A hand in the pocket, a knife at the throat,
wanting a small paper note-
He pulls the knife back, plunging deep,
the price for my wallet is steep-

He has taken my life, I'll take a fee,
opening his throat, in a wide open "v"-
He hadn't a chance, as he fell to the earth,
surprise on his face, man without mirth-

I throw a bloody knife onto a bloody ground,
and turned at a sudden sound-
A child stands looking at me,
staring at the bloody debris-

We stand for the longest time,
blood trickles down like deep red wine-
I can taste it on my tongue,
blood flows from my throat, filling a lung-

The time has fled, I am to die,
saying my last goodbye-
to a little girl so like my own,
who has watched me cut a man to the bone-

Should I cause two deaths in anger?,
finding the strength to kill a stranger-
Taking his life, as well as mine
Taking two, for a paper fine?

--------------------------------------------------------

A small girl stands, presiding over death,
standing in an alleyway, the only one left-
Having watched two men die,
For a green paper lie-
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Old 07-03-2004, 11:57 AM   #2
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sully474
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Quote:
I throw a bloody knife onto a bloody ground,
and turned at a sudden sound-
Quote:
I can taste it on my tongue,
blood flows from my throat, filling a lung-

Quote:
to a little girl so like my own,
who has watched me cut a man to the bone-
These three sets seemed a bit awkward, because they didn't seem to follow the same rhyme scheme as the rest of the poem. One of the line has too many syllables in my opinion. I'm not really an expert on poetry though. (Ok fine I know nothing about it.) It just seemed to interupt the flow of the poem in those lines. Other than that it is really excellent, the way you speak of it, and the description.
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Old 07-04-2004, 11:02 AM   #3
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Biowulf
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Yeah- It was originally a much longer poem, that was almost entirly different- I didn't like the way it was going, so I cut it and changed it- the neater lines are the newer ones.

Thanks for the help though!
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