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Old 07-02-2004, 07:32 AM   #1
Writer
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Israel
Posts: 32
Fyukiz
Legend of Defenders

This is one of my first stories i ever wrote, rewritten from hebrew five years ago. If you are curious, i didn't imagined it, but saw it in a dream that simply remained in my mind, demanded to be written!
So, here it is, The Legend of Defenders! Please enjoy!


LEGEND OF DEFENDERS
Written to you by Edward Levin.

PROLOGUE

In time before there was time, and place that was hidden away from greed and corruption of men stood a great forest, and in the middle of that ancient forest stood a grand mountain, that it’s edge could not be seen by any forest dweller, for it was hidden among the clouds of bright and colorful sky.
And on that grand mountain stood a city, a city so old that even the wisest elders in whole world could not determine it’s age. And on top of that city, in the very center of that grand mountain stood an ancient castle ruins with forgotten past, and lost memories.
And in that time before there was time was a group of young children, pure in mind and adventurous in soul. And that group, of those young and adventurous children released once again the ancient past back to this magical place on that grand mountain, in that eternal forest that was hidden away from the greed and corruption of men, but not from its lost and forgotten secrets…

CHAPTER ONE

It was a beautiful morning that day, a perfect spring morning, and there, on eternal green planes filled with pale stones that appeared from time to time in the sights of the children running freely through this deep green planes toward the ancient ruins of the castle that stood for centuries there, in the very middle of that grand mountain.

As single moment passed and let another moment enter for that instant brief of time, the castle seemed to be closer and closer, it’s pale walls looked so desperate in that colorful and perfect spring atmosphere.
The old rusty gates opened wide and the children ran inside, wielding wooden swords and shields. They were the knights, fighting imaginary monsters that surrounded them from the deep shadows, protecting their home from these abominations.
The game continued to the late hours of the evening, and right before the end, the children entered the King’s hall in the middle of the castle. They sat together as a group of eternal friends that will never leave each other in a time of danger. One of the children stood up, waving his wooden sword high above his head.
“ Listen to me my friends!” He announced proudly and all eyes turned to him.
“ Why do we need to pretend that we are Defender knights when we can be real knights?”
Brief silence engulfed the ancient hall as the other children thought about the intersting idea.
“ We can save our city, our homes from any evil, and become famous as our ancient ancestors who created this order.”
The offer was very tempting, and the children saw a great opportunity in it.
They sat one near the other in a cycle, repeating again and again the ancient oath of their lost heroes. When the ceremony was finished and last of the children spoke the final words of the oath, a sudden figure appeared in the near shadow behind a pale stone pillar.
The image turned to be a young boy wearing a custom of a joker. He grinned at the children as he spoke with a voice of a trickster.
“ You are fools if you think yourselves as real knights! Knights were fearless warriors and you are but a group of little children! Ha! I bet you are afraid of dark!”
" We are not!" The leader of the group replied. " We took the oath! The knights were fearless, and so are we!"
" Well then..." The joker said. " Prove me that I am wrong and that you are the real Defender knights. Will you accept my challenge?"
“ We accept your challenge, Joker! The leader of the knights replied.
The joker smiled devilishly.
“ Then follow me, brave knights. For I know the perfect place to test your courage.”
The young knights accepted joker’s challenge and followed him through the ruins to an old house.
“ There." The joker said, pointing to the dark entrance. " If you be brave enough to stay down there for one whole night, then you are true Defender knights.”
Without words, holding each other's hands the brave young knights slowly walked down the stairs into the darkest place of all…to an old basement.

CHAPTER TWO

The stairs seemed to go down forever, deep into the unknown depths of the mountain. Frightened slightly by the shadows that seemed to have a life of their own, they went deeper and deeper down the stairs, until they encountered an old door. The door opened slowly with hollow sound, and large and dark room was revealed to them. It resembled a small hall. That joker knew the place where they will test their courage as true knights, and although the fear that crept the walls inside this place they sought to overcome this test no matter what the consequences will be.
For long and agonizing hours they stood in that old, deep basement, when one of the children saw suddenly something unnatural in one of the room’s walls. Concealed by darkness and shadows this wall looked like any other wall, but there was something beyond it, perhaps a secret concealed by history? Or something that should never be opened?

But they were curious, and child’s curiosity knows no limits.
They broke the wall, pushing its stones one by one, revealing an entrance to a great corridor filled with many doors from both sides. A rotten smell of death filled the air as they entered the corridor, but sense of adventure and curiosity flushed their minds, tempting them to go inside and look.
They walked in that dark corridor, entering each room, desperately hoping to find something that will satisfy their thirst for curiosity, but there was nothing. Only dark old and empty rooms filled with shadows.
The end of the corridor came closer and closer with each step and after several quick moments they found themselves standing against an ancient and huge door, the biggest and darkest among all other doors. Their curiosity grew even stronger when the door remained closed no matter how hard they tried to open it.
But stubbornness was another virtue these children held in possession. They tried as hard as they could to open or even break the door. Again and again and again, when suddenly the door opened, revealing secrets that it held for many centuries…

CHAPTER THREE

And as the ancient door opened slowly, a sudden wicked by nature breeze of air filled the corridor, the hall and the dark room inside with unnatural cold, lifting dozens of black rags to the air…
But the children remained in same spot, some from curiosity, others from fear, when suddenly the rags began to whisper nightmarish words, filling the children's minds with fear and panic. The children watched with shock as these black rags opened cold red and piercing eyes to them, growing enormous and horrific claws, coming closer and closer to them with thirst for death and blood.
The panicked children tried desperately close the door to this forgotten evil, but the wind that brought those evil creatures back to life fought hard against them, holding the door open with all it's unearthly strength and power. Most of the children ran, leaving three brave brothers and sisters that entered that black room, sealing the evil within with their lives, and as the remained children ran out of that abandoned house in the middle of that grand mountain near the ruins of the castle, they heard their fellow's last screams fade into the darkness of the sealed room…

The frightened children ran through the pale green planes back to the city. As the sun began to show itself between the gray clouds, the children entered their houses, hopefully trying to convince their parents in their story about the monsters in old abandoned house that slaughtered their friends. For whole next day the parents consulted with their elders, and on the day after they went to that old abandoned house, armed with swords and shields and will to find the truth.

With evening fall they went inside the house, down the old stairs, through the door to that dark basement where everything began. A stench of death stood in that concealed corridor.
They entered slowly, wielding their weapons and shields. Their minds and bodies waited for every attack from any shadow, but silence filled the air.
They came to the end of the corridor, standing in front of the ancient door. The strongest among the warriors pushed the door but it remained closed. And again, as it happened only a day ago, their curiosity and will unlocked the door, as sudden breeze of air filled the corridor, surrounding the warriors. They looked inside, but saw nothing but darkness. Suddenly one of the warriors spotted several little, childish figures deep inside that room. They were just children, slaughtered by unknown beasts.
The breeze of air became cold wind, becoming stronger and stronger with each moment that passed.
Two of bravest of warriors entered the room, coming closer to the dead children, when suddenly the rags began to move, approaching quickly closer and closer, as shadows thirsty for their victim's lives, and then they heard a scream, and another one followed by another one. A scream of pain and scream of fear and scream of terror….
The other warriors began to panic at the sight of their friends strange and horrific deaths.
But the shadows wanted more, and they saw freedom where their victims saw their deaths.
The fight was quick and brutal. The warriors, unable to hurt the shadows that surrounded them in dance of death died a painful, slow death and their screams sounded across the passage as many howls of crying beasts in horrifying agony.
And on the next morning only one from dozen brave men went out of that abandoned house.
All bleeding and barely alive he went back toward the city. His armor ruined by hundreds of monstrous scratches, his sword broken and his shield lost, but in his hand he held an ancient tome, a tome that contained this man’s ancient history… a wisdom forgotten with many ages.

CHAPTER FOUR

The elder opened the ancient tome with shaking hands. Its yellow pages almost crumbled to dust as he read gently the wisdom written inside.

Many years ago, on the edge of a great blue sea and deep green forests stood a great kingdom, strong in arms and laws, but free and perfect. Its wonderful towers stood high, pointing to the stars themselves. That kingdom stood for many centuries until one dreadful night when unknown storm appeared suddenly in the far skies of the sea. And as the storm came closer, the air around it and the water below it became black with death. But it was not a normal storm, but a shadow devouring every living being that appeared in its path. And after many nights this storm came to the city. For many days and nights brave warriors fought the storm with faith and steel, but they could do nothing to it, and with each new fallen warrior the storm grew stronger and stronger. The king knew that dark times had fallen upon his kingdom, and desperately turned to last hope he found. The arts of magic.
He called his wisest elders and asked for their help. They gave him the answer he wished, but for a price… a price so high that for a moment he hesitated if all his mighty kingdom worth such sacrifice.
“ It is your only son it wishes.” They said to him. “ Your only son is pure in mind and body, as his father is, and this is the reason it wants him. Give it your only son, oh mighty king and save your kingdom from this evil, or death will come upon us all.”
The king leaned back upon his throne.
“ Leave me.” Said the king, banishing the wisest elders in his dying kingdom.
Three days passed and Kingdom's mighty king sat upon his throne. His hand touched no bread or wine.
And then he said, announcing his words with pain. “ Let the sacrifice begin!”
The elders brought King’s only son to the deepest tomb and there, the boy, all pure in spirit, mind and flesh left his mortal body in a quest of great importance. He found the entity he sought and asked it one question. The entity revealed the answer to his pure heart, and then the boy suddenly awoke, choking, and as his life drew out from him, he revealed the answer to his father with his last breath.
The king did as the creature’s answer was. He gathered the remain strong people and asked them to cut the biggest tree in his kingdom. And so they did. For year they cut the biggest tree in that great kingdom. And when the tree fell the bravest of knights entered inside that tree, deep into it, sacrificing themselves to the storm that came after them. But when the shadows in the storm entered the depths of the tree they fell asleep. Remained knights threw those shadows inside a dark corridor, sealing many shadows in dozens of rooms forever.
The war was over and that old mighty kingdom survived through greatest of sacrifices.
On top of that tree, in its very center, a great castle was built to honor the brave knights who fought against the storm. They were ‘Defenders’, defending the entire kingdom from any evil for all times.
But the king never forgot his son's last words.
" …Only a wind of upcoming storm formed from child's curiosity and innocence of his heart will awake the shadows, and dark times will fall upon the kingdom again…”

The elder closed the book.
“ Dear god, what evil have we unleashed…" He whispered to himself.
And as the next morning came, a group of young children ran through the green planes toward the ancient castle ruins of 'Defenders', while dozen of men sealed for the last time the gateway of storm…

CHAPTER FIVE

“ The door is sealed once again, but for what price… A sacrifice our brothers and sisters did to save us and all the people of our great city from damnation and death. They were true 'Defender’ knights… fearless and honorable. They are in celestial halls of fame now, but they will always remain in our hearts and memories.“ Said the leader as they sat together in a cycle in old King's hall. Suddenly the joker appeared once again. He stared at them with cold hatred.
“ You may won the battle, Defender knights, but the war will never end.” And then he disappeared, vanishing back into the shadows…

EPILOGUE

In time before there was time and place hidden away from greed and corruption of men stood a great forest, and in the middle of that ancient forest stood a grand mountain that wasn’t a mountain but a great tree.
And on top of that great tree stood a city, a city so old that even the wisest elders in whole world could not determine it’s age, and in the very center of that great tree stood an ancient castle ruins of old knight order of 'Defenders'.
And there will be a time when a group of young children, pure in mind and adventurous in soul, will release once again the ancient past back to this magical place on that great tree, in that eternal forest that was hidden away from greed and corruption of men, but not from their past.
This time they will be prepared...

The end.
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'Evolution is a tool of a trickster; it gives you the ambition to achieve it by any means possible and then turns against you.'
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Old 07-03-2004, 12:16 PM   #2
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sully474
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What you have is really good right now, however it is extremely shory for being five chapters, and an epilogue long. You have gone into pretty decent depth as to the events of the story. I would suggest that you go into more depth, explain every single event exactly as it happened and then some. Also tell the reader the basis on which this happened. The story sort of jumps right into one place and goes from there. But how you got there and such, you never learn. That entire thing could be one short story, it could be one or two chapters, or with some extensive editing and adding to the plot, it could be an entire book.
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