LOST
It is raining but the sun is shining. I remember my mother, who once told me that when it rains it is because the people in heaven are crying. I wonder if it’s true.
The day is clear with an azure sky, birds chirping and soft gentle wind blowing. Then suddenly, it rains amid the tranquil beauty of the day. But the rain did not cause the day to be gloomy and dark. Instead, droplets of rain like sparkling diamonds look as though it was really tears from heaven, raining down from the bright sunny sky.
I see the droplet of tears in slow motion; each of them drops and splatters onto the pavement silently. I sit there motionless, watching and waiting. Waiting for what? I ask myself. Nothing, nothing to wait for, not even the mailman. Time does not possess me. I do not fear Time. I sit here on this porch for hours everyday just watching time change the things around me. I see people change, some growing old, some changing into different personalities. It's funny how time can change things so fast and yet leave you here feeling as though nothing has changed. Maybe that is because I have no one, it’s just me, here alone with my shadow.
No one knows I’m here. No one cares that I sit here on this porch day after day. No one comes and talks to me. I think that they are afraid of me. I believe that they think I am a crazy old woman. I don’t give two hoots what they think of me. I just sit here thinking of times when other voices played a part in my life. Now the voices have gone. I wonder if they’ll ever come back. If they do, will I accept them? Or have I, really gone mad and not know them? I am not sure if I remember them. The only sounds I do remember are the sounds of my heart and the robin’s song every spring.
A group of cheerful young girls pass by me, laughing and giggling happily. I remember belonging to a group, the sense of being wanted, a place to share your sorrows and joys, I do remember all that. Back then, there was Michael, sweet handsome Michael, Sheila, Rose Mary and the rest. My heart constricts painfully with the memories now flashing in my mind. Memories of wonderful Christmases spent together, going for picnics, and travelling.
A single tear rolls down my cheek and onto my dress, the drop spreads, creating an of irregular circle. Those days are now gone. In one swift second, the life I once had is gone. I remember that day all too well. The cries of anguish, pain, terror and the silence that followed. All that remained were the lifeless bodies of my friends and the crumpled metal of the train. Only the sounds of howling wind of the coming winter snow storm were heard on that cold winter night. I was the only survivor. I escaped death.
Till this day, I wonder if it is a blessing being alive but alone. Many times I wished I’d gone with them, but it never did come true. Another tear rolls down my cheek. This time for the life that I now live. This pathetic lonely life.
I hear footsteps approaching me. Gentle fingers place a shawl on my shoulders.
“Come in soon won’t you Melissa? It’s getting chilly out here,” she says.
She is my nurse who cares for me now. I continue to sit here, not moving. I hear her sigh as she walks back into the house. Now and then she tries to talk to me. But I always keep quiet, not giving any responce. Doctors ruled that I suffered extreme shock and had gone dumb. Only I know better. I don’t know why I do that. Maybe I’m just tired, tired of this world, to continue giving and giving till life gives out.
But I’m still alive, and so I continue to wait. To make life more bearable, I dream. These dreams keep me alive. I create a whole new world in my mind. Where in this world, I have friends and family. Someone to love and even someone to hate. Everyday is a different dream. But deep within my heart and soul, I am in anguish. My mind knows the difference between reality and fantasy, and each time I have to face the reality. The fact, that my family and friends are gone, and the fact that I have to go on with my life which is what I cannot bring myself to do. I want so much to lash out to the world; how careless people are with their lives, and how unfair life can really get, but I know it would not make a difference. Not in this generation or the next.
I stand up and walk towards the plot of land behind the house. I take up a brown basket, worn with use that lies on the ground underneath the rose bushes. The basket is filled with budding white roses. I reach for the rust filled gates and swing them open, hinge creaking. Before me are grave stones of my family and friends, crosses mark where my family lay, while angel statues mark my friend's. Lush green trees surround the markers, creating a shadowy atmosphere with cool and damp air. One by one, I place the flowers on the stones; their petals still has dewdrops on them.
I walk out swinging the gates close behind me, after placing the last flower. I pause and turn to look at the markers on the earth and I wonder in whose plan I am in, or am I in any. Silently, I pray that God has plans for me.
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June Lim
= I may not be able to change the world I see around me, but I can change the way I see the world within me =
www.quothzephyr.tk
i usually write in past tense.. wanted to try present. i know i know.. not an excuse.. 
