Shy_Love

Hello...I finally wrote something! I seem to be having this..this block that won't let me write, and all week...Well, close to all week. This is the only poem I could write( I normally write 4 or 5 a week...) but let me know what you guys think.

the heat is blasting
my sweat dripping
I'm in need of shelter
but theres no place for resting

out in the middle on No Place
I stand screaming for rain
I'v been outcast to this land
I hind my face in shame

my hopes are down
my energy low
I feel like passing out
I have no where to go

I get on my knees and begin to crawl
my body becomes weak
my hands gripping at the ground
the sight of water is all I seek


I scream out to God
my body drenched in sweat
I hear His gentle voice say
"My child... you have nothing to fret"

I feel a drop of water
fall upon my face
the water is refrshing
I open my mouth to take a taste

I look up to heaven
my legs can stand once more
I begin to dance around
Father You are the one I adore

I sing praises to my Father
for sending me the rain
for helping in my time of need
for taking away all my pain

no words to show my thanks
no way to tell my love
for my God..and the rain
sent down from above

Jack Wyvern

I find poems to be hard to critique. They are very personal and thus, my impressions may not be valid.

I liked the message you have and the descriptions were vivd on how you felt.

The writing was a little too forced to ryhme in my opinion. It just seemed choppy.

But, poems are certainly not my area.

__________________
QUANDO OMNI FLUNKUS MORITATUS
---
"The cost of freedom is eternal vigilance."
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http://webwyvern.deviantart.com

Shy_Love

Thank you! I'v herd that a few times so I belive I need to try and re write something....I'm just not sure what parts don't sound so great and what to use in its place....ah! So hard!