Chapter one - Untiltled story. - WritingForums.com - Writing Forums, Writing Challenges, Critiques and Help for Writers

AlpineFX · 06-28-2004, 06:37 PM

My general writing style is weird I think. Can somone look over it and tell me how it is before I go too far into this? I'm writing this as I go and there is a paragraph more than what's uploaded onto my server. Please, I need the crit.

Thanks!
Tom.

duh. Almost forgot!

http://www.loweredvisions.com/tom/Story.html

sully474 · 06-29-2004, 12:01 AM

Quote:

John had an obsession for Absinthe, a drink outlawed in the states but legal in most European countries due to it's hallucinogenic effects

Legal due to it's hallucinogenic effects????

I agree with you about it being weird, but oddly enough it was a nice change from the usual. However the characters could use some work, as to what they are like, and other small things like that. They seem to be sort of an empty shell right now, you see the outside, but not what really makes them tick.

Also it could use more description of objects. You basically tell the story as the events happen, but you dont talk about the things nearly enough in some cases.

Quote:

Alvin snickered then spit some tobacco infested saliva into his empty martini glass.

Quote:

Alvin started the motor and rapped the motor off to the maximum RPMs and proceeded to dump the clutch in reverse, and once again in drive out onto the street leaving a nice cloud of vaporized rubber that was once tires.

Quote:

None of it got on any of the interior, but the exterior had a nice streak of caramel colored decorative design on the side

Those were some of the ones that I liked, and I think that you should give all of your work good descriptions like those.

AlpineFX · 06-29-2004, 12:07 PM

Thanks. I think it's because I'm basing my characters off people I know, since I already know them, it comes naturally to just trail off assuming people know them. But I'll work on adding more atmosphere to everything and more detail to the actions my characters take. And I'll change the thing about the Absinthe.

As far as my characters being in an empty shell, yes, I see that and I'm only on the first chapter and I find it hard to move ahead the days fly by in the story and there's only one page, so I end up going back and forth though the story adding more to it and thinking of other things. But I have a vauge storyline to go by and I'm letting my imagination fill in the voids.

I read the story to myself a few times and found a handful of errors and things I didn't like. How about the dialoge?sp? is it okay? I got a little confused on how to do it. Another problem I tend to have and remember having it back in high school as well, is my tenses. (Sally went to the bar and she is drinking shots of whiskey)

I am looking to improve my writing and english skills by writing diffrent stories hopfully I'll become more proficient by doing this.

Thank you for your advice and I'll deffenatley work with it.

Tom.

ahanson · 06-30-2004, 10:31 PM

Quote:

The sound of the alarm clock at 7:30 woke John up. The smell of the Pacific Ocean and the bright blue summer skies of southern California all seemed to work it's way through the windows of John's house a block from the ocean. A quiet neighborhood, not affluent by any means. “Shit, not another brilliant Monday morning.” -- John couldn't remember what he hated worse, going to the dentist for a root canal or waking up on a Monday morning and going to work dealing with customers. John hit the snooze button three or four times before he finally found enough courage to get out of bed and start his day with a warm shower and a much needed shave. The warm water seemed to wake John as his view of the bathroom became less visible due to the condensation on the shower's glass. John washed his thick dark brown hair. The shampoo burned his eyes when some soap trickled down and worked it's way into his tightly shut brown eyes. Once John was done with his morning shower and shave, John walked into his room and opened the closet door and revealed a wardrobe of slacks and polo style shirts with McKanne'z Tire embroidered on the chest in red and blue. Plain polo shirts lined his wardrobe as well, John's wardrobe looked as if it was a golfers, but John hated golf with a passion. Quickly decisive, John picked the black slacks along with a white work shirt. John was busy putting his slacks on when John's shop cell phone suddenly rang. Who the hell could it be this early! “McKanne's Tire how can I help ya.” John said confused into the handset.

You should substitue pronouns for a lot of the names you use. The same happens throughout the story, you redundantly use characters' names when you don't need to be.

Quote:

“Thanks asshole” John wasn't a morning person by any means, And proceeded to the first window, the car that ordered the coffee has already paid and left. John gave the kid at the window a fresh twenty from the bank he got yesterday, and awaited his change. “Okay sir, 12.28 is your change” the employee of the fine establishment said.

How do we know someone in the car ahead of John's ordered coffee? Do we need to know that? Also, the second italicized part doesn't make sense.

Quote:

John figured it belonged to the car behind him. John devoured the chicken nuggets anyways and backed out of the parking spot and went to the light that led John back to San Padre Blvd. After a left turn onto San Padre, John continued down the street, being cautious as people really didn't drive too safe around that area. The area of the shop is infested with minority groups, mostly Mexicans

This sounds really racist, and unless you intend it to be, you should change it. If you want it to be known that there are many minorities living there, or that the population there is primarily mexican, don't use "infested." That just sounds awful.

Quote:

Alvin was sitting at his desk when Alvin walked in. John greeted his brother warmly, despite the awful morning he had. “Hey Alvin, how are things goin for ya today?”

I think you mean Alvin was sitting at his desk when John walked in.

What sticks out most is definitely the redundancy; fix that, along with some of the simple typos, and it will read much smoother.

AlpineFX · 07-01-2004, 02:56 AM

Cool! Thanks for the advice! How would you recomend taking care of the redundacies? I was thinking that it was too many names, but I didn't know a good way to cut them down? As for infested, I'll clean that up as I wasn't intending to sound racist. And the part where Alvin say's hi to Alvin... I noticed that one earlier and changed it. Thanks for your advice and I'll be sure to edit it into my story.

Thanks again!

Tom.

ahanson · 07-02-2004, 05:38 PM

To make it sound less redundant all you have to do is say "he" or "his" where appropriate. Yes, you will be repeating those words a lot, but they will still make it sound clearer than repeating the name.