Pinky & the Brain - WritingForums.com - Writing Forums, Writing Challenges, Critiques and Help for Writers

voorhees14 · 06-28-2004, 05:15 PM

This is the first piece of freelance writing I've done outside of school - I composed it off the top of my head in about 15 minutes. Please give me feedback! I'd love to hone my writing skills!!

My life is one giant episode of “Pinky and the Brain"...you know, that cartoon about two lab rats whose starkly juxtaposed personalities provide the show with limitless comedic relief as these two rats doggedly pursue their undying dream to conquer the world. At the end of every single episode of “Pinky and the Brain” ever created, Pinky invariably asks Brain the seemingly innocuous, never redundant, and always gripping question: “So, what are we going to do tomorrow, Brain?” to which Brain inevitably and indomitably responds, “The same thing we do every day, Pinky – try to take over the world!” The only difference is that Brain’s plans are momentous and monumental, albeit diabolical and totalitarianistic; conversely, the “same thing I do every day,” as Brain so poignantly put it, is sit lackadaisically in front of my computer screen, soaking in the platitudinous lifestyle I chose for myself this summer, while occasionally taking breaks to watch shamelessly trashy television shows such as “Elimidate” and “The 5th Wheel.” I am saturated with monotony; consumed by boredom; I cannot help but think that every day that I sit here, wasting my time on petty and meaningless computer games and TV shows, is another day of my tragically short life gone to waste.

The Tao Of Spike · 07-01-2004, 04:20 AM

Heh, nice. I'm digging the writing style. Just beware of trying to come off too intellectual with it. There's nothing wrong with this here, it's just painful to read when people use big words for the sake of using big words. But, like I said, you don't do that here. (I just feel cheap if I don't offer any advice/constructive criticism) I'd like to see where you go with this, if you want to go anywhere.

sully474 · 07-01-2004, 12:32 PM

You must have a pretty good thesaurus. The words are just too big for the average idiot to comprehend. If your readers are to truly understand the story, and not just get a general idea as to what you are talking about, the vocabulary has got to become more simplistic.

It is a good story as to how it all relates back to you, and the Pinky and the Brain example is a really good one. Choose big words if they are ones that you would use in speaking, but don't go into a dictionary and say that this word means the same thing, and it is 17 letters long so I will use it. Words that you would naturally use just give so much more of a casual effect which is what this excellent story needs.

Emma LB · 07-02-2004, 01:24 PM

I liked your writing too. I don't think anyone is objecting that you use difficult vocab, just that maybe you've used too much of it here in these few lines. Don't be all means just use 'simple' words. If everyone just used Homer Simpson vocabulary, then how would anyone learn longer words ever? But it does sound a bit strange here, how you used so many.
Of course this might be intentional. You lead this life style of tv and pc addiction, but want to point out that just because you watch a lot of tv and play pc that doesn't mean you are dumb and stupid. It sort of adds another dimension.

voorhees14 · 07-02-2004, 03:54 PM

thanks all of you for your input. as you (and probably any intelligent reader of this article) have noticed is my grossly exaggerated word choice. the entire piece is hyperbolic; that's kinda the theme i employed throughout. the content itself follows that theme...i don't actually spend all day in front of my computer/tv, though, since im a teen and i am out of school for summer, i do spend enough time there to inspire this piece. so thank you all for the input, and keep pointing out anything u notice!

B1ot · 07-02-2004, 06:50 PM

The beauty of literature... everything can have a reason (not that I don't believe in your reason.)

Airborneguy · 07-02-2004, 07:30 PM

Are the big words because of "The Brain"? I can see the point of using them..

Fishcake · 07-02-2004, 08:41 PM

I can't either. Pretty hackneyed (as evinced, also, by the fact that it took you fifteen minutes to write it) and banal (ironic, eh?).
Sorry, but that's straight honesty. Now, I would suggest that you find something worth telling, and then tell it using words and phrases that naturally come to you, not the most archaic and unusual ones you can find.

Viola · 07-03-2004, 07:43 AM

I agree with Airborneguy. I can see the point of using over-intellectual vocab if you're using it in the context of the show. Brain is pretty darn intellectual after all, and its effect isn't so much too-clever-for-you than, as you say, hyperbole.
This is the conclusion I came to straight after reading this piece. If it was a piece in which I could not see a reason for using this kind of language, I might say that its author was looking up every word in the thesaurus, but for the reason I'm assuming you use it here, I can see why you use it and I think it's quite effective.

voorhees14 · 07-09-2004, 08:41 PM

thanks for all the feedback. it has helped immensely. anyone else have any suggestions?

Praetorian · 07-14-2004, 12:36 AM

True, the Brain is a genius, but in the show the writers shy away from as many big words as possible. It is generated towards children, after all. They understand that Brain is a genius by his actions. Big words would just bore them.

Like everyone else above stated, instead of coming off as an intellectual piece, it looked like you tried to put as many "big" words as you possibly could. I like big words personally, and I am happy to say I only needed a dictionary on one of them

Other than that, I don't really understand what the point of the piece is. If your life truly isn't like that, why write it? What are you trying to say with this piece?

I would rewrite it so:

Quote:

My life is one giant episode of “Pinky and the Brain"...you know, that cartoon about two lab rats whose starkly adjacent personalities provide the show with limitless comedic relief as these two rats doggedly pursue their undying dream to conquer the world. At the end of every single episode of “Pinky and the Brain” ever created, Pinky invariably asks Brain the seemingly benign, never redundant, and always gripping question: “So, what are we going to do tomorrow, Brain?” To which Brain inevitably, and unyieldingly responds, “The same thing we do every day, Pinky – try to take over the world!” The only difference is that Brain’s plans are momentous and monumental, albeit diabolical and totalitarianistic. Conversely, the “same thing I do every day,” as Brain so poignantly put it, is sit lazily in front of my computer screen, soaking in the trivial lifestyle I chose for myself this summer, occasionally taking breaks to watch shamelessly trashy television shows such as “Elimidate”, and “The 5th Wheel.” I am saturated with monotony; consumed by boredom; I cannot help but think that every day that I sit here, wasting my time on petty and meaningless computer games and TV shows, is another day of my tragically short life gone to waste.