Arcanis - Chapter 1 - WritingForums.com - Writing Forums, Writing Challenges, Critiques and Help for Writers

Jack Wyvern · 06-27-2004, 09:46 AM

This is obviously the begining to my story. I want to know if I define the mood well enough to make the reader feel part of the scene. This is a defining moment... the birth of a savior.

Be brutally honest as always. Thanks.

Quote:

Chapter 1
"Oh no. Make it stop!" begged the young girl lying on her back. Her enormous belly, swollen with child, surged with the exertion of each gasp. "Please," she cried, "I don't want to die!"

The old woman kneeling next to her held her hand and patted her forehead with a dirty rag. "Shhh," she comforted. "Ayvil's here. It's almost over, my child. The baby is ready." She stared at the child with soft eyes full of compassion. The girl was covered in sweat. Her blonde hair hung in thick clumps against her face. Dark green eyes that couldn't have seen more than sixteen winters, the old woman thought. So innocent. Such a terrible shame.

The girl shut her eyes with the pain. Arching her back, she thrust her hips downward. "Ahhhh!"

With the same dirty rag, Ayvil wiped at the new mother's bloody thighs. The child's head must be close. She shoved a finger inside the girl and searched for it.

"I...I don't want to die," sobbed the girl between gasps.

Finally, the midwife felt the babies head. She pushed her wrinkled hand deep into the mother to check for a breach. Good. Everything as it should be, she thought.

"Push, Mara! Time to push," she ordered. "Your baby wants to be born."

Mara's face contorted in a mixture of fear and agony. Tightening her body, she pushed with all the strength she had. Her legs trembled. Her arms and head shook. "Ayieee!" she screamed into the darkness above her. The babies large head pop out of her. Her sigh turned to a moan as she breathed deeply, filling her burning lungs with cool air.

The old woman grabbed the child's head and untwisted the purple cord from around its neck. "Hello little mage," she cooed. She gently pulled it out of Mara and wrapped it in a warm, clean towel. The child opened his coal black eyes and stared up at the woman. He didn't protest as she took him over to a cradle made of shimmering light. She placed him in the cradle and a tanslucent liquid washed over him.

He giggled at the old woman as the fluid turned to a silvery mist and evaporated, leaving the child a bleached white color.

"Welcome to the world, little one. May the Great Goddess guide you with her wisdom."

Mara's sudden scream tore Ayvil's attention away. "Ahhh! Somethings wrong. Please! Help me."

Ayvil ran over to the Mara. She was still having contractions. She placed her hands on the girls stomach and felt the unmistakable form of another child. "Twins!" she gasped. Born a slave of the mytanels, Ayvil had seen many mages born. It was rare enough but twins. She had never seen a thileen woman give birth to twin mytanels. Lord Vythos would be pleased indeed to have two grandsons to replace the son that had been taken from him. He might even find it in his black heart, she thought, to let this poor thileen live.

"Alright, Mara. You have another child inside of you. You need to push for me again."

"I can't," wailed the girl. Tears had left stripped lines down her dirty cheeks.

"Yes you can! Now push!" Ayvil placed her hands on the sides of the girl's distended stomach and pushed. Mara screamed in agony.

"Get it out! Make the pain stop."

Ayvil positioned herself between Mara's thighs and felt for the babies head. It was coming fast. She grabbed a clean towel and waited for the head to emerge. Her heart raced. This would certainly be a day to long remember. Lord Vythos would be pleased with her. She might even get an extra ration of tangle bread. Ayvil's toothless mouth formed a smile. "Almost, my child. Almost."

"There you are, little--" Ayvil stared down at the clump of hair on the babies head. What's this, she wondered in disbelief. She turned the child's head slowly and it looked at her with bright blue eyes. The babies cry awoke her from her stunned silence. It was a thileen baby! Tenderly, she guided the child out of its mother and into the cold room. She wrapped it into a blanket and held it close to her chest. It was a girl!

It must be a mistake, she thought. Fear raced through her mind. What if it is an omen? They will kill us all. She looked down into the innocent face of the child. It was sucking on its fingers. She brought it over to its mother.

"Mara? Mara. Take your child and suckle it." She handed the baby to Mara and opened Mara's dirt-stained tunic to expose a milk-laden breast to the child. It nursed hungrily. "What has happened?" she muttered.

Mara was occupied with the child. She smiled up at Ayvil. "Thank you." She wept with joy.

"Mara. This is not right, my child. There is no way that you could give birth to a girl. All mytanel offspring are born male. A female has never happened!"

"What are you saying, Ayvil?"

Ayvil sighed. Her heart felt heavy as she understood what would happen. "The mages will see this as a bad omen. We will all be killed. Don't you see? You, me, and the baby. We will all be thrown to the hikats and torn to pieces." Her eyes fell to the baby. It nursed noisily on its mother.

"Take her, Ayvil. Take her please."

"What? I...I can't."

"You have to. I don't want her to die. Take her. Now!" Mara pulled the protesting infant away from the warm milk.

"How will I?"

"Find someone in the slave quarter and have them suckle my child. Please Ayvil. No one will know. I won't tell."

Ayvil's eyes shot across the room to the doorway. If she was careful, she might...

Mara's eyes pleaded with her. "Don't let them kill my baby," she begged.

Ayvil wrapped the child tightly in more warm towels and stuffed her into the woven basket of birthing supplies she carried. "I will take care of her as best I can. Be strong, Mara. The Great Goddess will protect you."

Mara smiled feebly. Her pale face told Ayvil that she was slipping away fast. It was common for thileen women to hemorrhage during delivery of a mytanel. She would soon pass and deny Lord Vythos the pleasure of executing her for her part in the murder of his only son.

Ayvil checked on the mytanel that was lying in the magis cradle. He was glowing brightly with the power of the magis caressing his mind and body. "Little mage, I take your sister away with me. I pray that you grow up to be a strong and wise leader." She kissed her fingers and touched the young mytanel's forehead.

The door of the room was a powerful field of energy that pulsated between the floor and the ceiling. "Open!" she commanded. The energy stopped and she quickly scurried through. Outside the door, two gorthum hounds stood guard. Large dog-like daemons that were created to guard the entrance to the birthing chamber. Their hairless bodies scrambled to their feet and sniffed the air. Glowing yellow eyes locked on to Ayvil and they approached her cautiously.

"Back!" she ordered. The daemons kept coming, their hot tepid breath reaching her nose. The baby cooed and the gorthum's froze. Rows of folded skin rolled across their hunched backs like the surf pounding a sandy beach. Ayvil's heart stopped. What would they do? She knew they would allow her to leave, but what about the child. The spells that created them were unique to each mage. If Lord Vythos had excluded everyone else from being able to leave, then they would surely stop this infant. The gorthum's massive head nosed the basket Ayvil was holding. She closed her eyes as it sniffed at the contents and a guttural sound rumbled in its cavernous chest.

The gorthum pulled away the layers of blankets and towels until it exposed the baby girl. Its head cocked sideways. Ayvil stiffened, waiting for the bite that would tear her in half. Silence. She peeked down at the basket with one eye. The gorthum was staring at the child. It resisted a reflexive urge to jump back as the baby reached out to touch its pink muzzle.

"See? Nothing to worry about. Just me and my granddaughter."

The gorthum stared at the old woman and stepped away. They both returned to their places guarding the room.

Ayvil quickly covered the child back up and hurried down the marble hallway. She didn't think Lord Vythos would be so easily deceived. Best to not be here when he goes to check on his grandson. She passed through a few more doors and finally entered the night. A cool breeze wafted across the city. It carried the fresh scent of the deep jungle that surrounded them. The black stone streets were lit by the blue flames that danced within clear globes floating above them. Ayvil was unafraid to travel at night through the city core. The mytanel would not accost such an old thileenian, she thought. She hurried along her way, head down, mind shut to what had just happened. Some mytanels were adept at reading the thoughts out of your head. It would not do to give herself away like that.

As she reached the entrance to the slave quarters, she felt relief flood over her. The baby had been content through the journey. Now, lost among the squat little shacks and tents, she had no fear of being discovered.

"Come..." She paused, "Silean. Let me introduce you to your new home."

Thanks for taking the time to read it.

Emma LB · 06-27-2004, 11:43 AM

I thought it was a very good beginning, I was able to feel part of the scene, I was just a little confused when Ayvil thinks that maybe the ruler will spare her, because of her having twins, but then later it turns out she was partly responsible for her 'husbands' death and so she'll be executed anyway. Just doesn't seem to fit together very well, but I really liked this chapter. It might help if you went into more detail on her being scared of death and Ayvil thinking something along the lines of 'poor child, she'll die whatever...'

Viola · 06-27-2004, 04:23 PM

I felt part of the scene from the start. You included the reader effectively.
I also liked the way you introduce the reader to a section of the rules of this 'world' as you go, neither explaining too much about them (which might get tedious and detract from the purpose of the narrative) or being too brief.

Jack Wyvern · 06-27-2004, 07:26 PM

Thank you both for the kind words. Having witnessed three births first hand, I was hoping I could capture some of the tension. I also need to describe the male child better. The mytalens look different from the thileens. But since there are no female mytalens, they use slave thileens as concubines and for breeding.

I will also add more detail to why Mara is scared to die. Her Thileen husband tried to help her escape and killed Vytho's son in the process. She has only been kept alive to deliver Vythos's grandson.

The girl child is unique. She will have both the power of the mytalen mages and the undiscovered powers of the thileen (nature oriented). Her brother will become the main antagonist of the story.

For a preview of a magis battle when she gets older, read my prologue post.

Jack Wyvern · 06-27-2004, 10:02 PM

Here is the rest of chapter 1.

Quote:

A tall mytanel strode down the marble hallway toward the birthing chamber. Black eyes scanned the gorthums sitting obediently at the entrance to the chamber. They wimpered at his approach, their massive heads bobbing in reverence and fear.

He pulled his lower right hand from his dark robe and the crackling door of energy dissipated. He walked past the bleeding girl and approached his new grandson. His four hands grabbed the side of the cradle as he bent down to examine the babe. He smiled. "You are Hykuule's son. I am your grandsire, Lucemnt." He reached into the cradle and picked up the young mytanel with all four hands. Turning to face Mara, he propped the child up so that it could see his mother. "You will be called Kuthule. Someday, you will rule the Black Circle and take your place on the Council of Mages." Vythos lifted the child high into the air.

The gorthums howled in anticipation. The scent of the dying girl made them mad with bloodlust. Mara moaned. Her eyes met the elder mytalen's. A quick nod of his head and the gorthums attacked. Screams were drowned out by the ravenous growls. Vythos held Kuthule as they both watched the massacre.

Thanks for reading.

rashadow · 06-28-2004, 10:02 AM

thileen and mytalen, do you purposefully not capatalize these?

I like this springboard into the main story. I did not like the speed of it. It seems more like a prologue than an actual chapter. It feels to me like the start before the start.

In other words, do you plan on going on with the girl infant and the story of Ayvil trying to hide her, or, in the next chapter is she a teenager all of a sudden?