knoob

ok i just started writing this short story that could turn into a lil longer than a short story... i wanna know what yall think of it so far.



The Night of “The Ride”

Joe Toole was a happy man in his middle thirties. He had a wife and two great kids and a house on a lake. He was man that loved riding around late at night and looking at the trees and shadows they made in the full moon light. Sometimes he would even sit out on the dam of his lake and look at the way the moon would reflect off the ripples of the murky water. He was a very peculiar man that liked “dark places”. He never really did have a fear from them. Even since he was a small child he would still go out in the dark and look at the way stuff seemed to be “Non-real” as he would call it. He had seen movies and such of things of the dark that would always attack people that ventured out into the darkness to see just what that little noise was, or what that shadow that moved across the tree-line all fast and mysterious really was. He had never taken this fully into retrospect that he had been doing the same things his whole life. He would always go out and see what he could find when he did hear or see stuff on his late night trips into the darkness. But this night would change the rest of his life.
It all started on a calm cool morning where he awoke early to the morning dew all over his yard. The sun was just rising above the trees on the east side of his lake. The side the dam was on. He peered into the big glowing ball as he took another sip of his warm coffee still steaming in the cool morning air. He had no idea what this great morning would lead to the following night. There was no sign of such a horrid night anywhere this great morning. He had finished drinking his coffee and turned to go back inside to put the cup in the sink. His wife had just awoken and was standing there fixing her cup of French Roasted coffee. “Good morning hunny” he said, as he leaned over her shoulder and gave her a small kiss on the cheek. Her name was Sarah. She had loved Joe ever since she met him her sophomore year of college. He was her dream man in every aspect she could ever think of. She answered him with “Good morning baby how was your sleep?” Great he said, as he put his cup in the dishwasher. “I need to go to town today and get some things for Joey’s school project he has for science class,” she said. Joey was Joe’s oldest son who had just entered the 7th grade the past August. “He wants to build a working volcano full of lava that will spew out onto the ground.” Joe just simply laughed and said “That’s my son for you” then went into the living room to see the morning news.
The weather man had said the day was going to be partly cloudy with clouds clearing by midnight with a half moon for the rest of the night. Joe frowned wishing the moon was going to be full for one of his night rides. Sarah walked in to tell Joe she was taking the kids to town with her and that they would be back in the late afternoon in time for her to cook supper. He continued to watch the rest of the news until he decided the dew was off the grass and it was time for a fresh cut before the day became to hot. He went out to his barn and got the lawnmower, and began to cut the grass. He was done around noon and decided it was time to go in for lunch. His wife had left him a ham sandwich on the kitchen counter for his lunch.

__________________
-Jason

safari invasion

I like where you're going with it and would like to read more.
As for suggestions, make sure everything is necessary to the storyline. Make sure we need to know everything you're telling us. Especially in short stories, don't put in anything that is irrelevant. Make sure that it is absolutely necessary that we know Joe went out to mow the lawn, then ate some ham.
You are developing your main character well, just make sure you keep it up. Drop more hints at his fondness for dark things wherever you can. Maybe he wakes up before the sun rises to start his morning routine because he likes the darkness so much, things of that nature. You get the idea.
Anyway, keep up the good work.

__________________
"We are the music makers, and we are the dreamers of the dreams."
-Willy Wonka

Rhiamon

This Joe guy seems to be a very interesting character, and I can see from all the ominousness that this has promise to it.
I'm by no means an expert or anything...but here's just some things I would change:

a fear from them

a fear of them

He had seen movies and such of things of the dark that would always attack people that ventured out into the darkness to see just what that little noise was, or what that shadow that moved across the tree-line all fast and mysterious really was. He had never taken this fully into retrospect that he had been doing the same things his whole life.

This part seems kind of unwieldy. Maybe take out 'and such', change the second 'of' to 'in'. I'd also maybe take out 'or what that shadow that move across the treeline all fast and mysterious really was' cause it's a little unnecessarily wordy. Also, 'He had never taken this fully into retrospect' is a really weird-sounding phrase. Change it around to something like 'He had never made the connection that he had been doing the same things his whole life' or 'He had never fully realized that he'd been doing the same things his whole life.'

The sun was just rising above the trees on the east side of his lake. The side the dam was on.
Maybe put a dashy-thing there instead of a period--it's a broken sentence.

He had no idea what this great morning would lead to the following night. There was no sign of such a horrid night anywhere this great morning

Really redundant, and especially because you've already served up the ominousness in the previous paragraph. Either take out one of the sentences and reword the other to be a lot more subtle, or take out both.

Good morning hunny
'Hunny' is Winnie-the-Pooh spelling, and even though Winnie-the-Pooh is my personal hero, you might want to change it to 'honey'.

The weather man had said the day was going to be partly cloudy with clouds clearing by midnight with a half moon for the rest of the night

The weatherman doesn't usually tell me that there's going to be a 'half mon for the rest of the night'; if I want to know what part of the cycle the moon is in I either have to figure it out myself or consult a calendar, some of which have the moon's cycles on them.

He continued to watch the rest of the news until he decided the dew was off the grass and it was time for a fresh cut before the day became to hot.

He decided the dew was off the grass? Maybe 'he decided that he'd waited long enough for the dew to disperse' or something.

He was done around noon and decided it was time to go in for lunch. His wife had left him a ham sandwich on the kitchen counter for his lunch.

Maybe combine these two: 'He was done around noon and went in to the kitchen, where his wife had left him a ham sandwich on the counter for lunch.'

Also, when you use dialogue, you normally give dialogue its own new paragraph:

He had finished drinking his coffee and turned to go back inside to put the cup in the sink. His wife had just awoken and was standing there fixing her cup of French Roasted coffee.
“Good morning honey,” he said as he leaned over her shoulder and gave her a small kiss on the cheek. Her name was Sarah. She had loved Joe ever since she met him her sophomore year of college. He was her dream man in every aspect she could ever think of.
“Good morning baby, how was your sleep?” she answered.
"Great," he said, as he put his cup in the dishwasher.
“I need to go to town today and get some things for Joey’s school project he has for science class,” she said.

Anyway, that's all I can say for now... Other on the board will probably be more helpful. [/i]

knoob

thanks people!

yall have helped me alot

if anyone has anymore advice i am up for it to.

__________________
-Jason