Arcanis - Prologue - WritingForums.com - Writing Forums, Writing Challenges, Critiques and Help for Writers

Jack Wyvern · 06-25-2004, 10:25 PM

Shelving the other story, I wanted to try something else. I would appreciate any comments.

Quote:

Jack Wyvern
06/25/2004

Arcanis : Prologue

Silean smelt the smoke riding on the morning breeze. She lifted her head and took a deep whiff. Something was wrong.

A flock of birds lifting off from there perch in the top of a massive colberr tree startled her. She crouched, her naked body quivering in the cold stream. The sounds of the morning were gone, silenced by some intruder into her private world.

Reaching out with her mind, she probed. A glimmer caught her attention. A spark of the magis that kept growing brighter. It was coming from the village. Soaring low, just above the trees. Focusing her mind on the object, she watched it grow, searching along the stream. A mind void of intelligence, burned away by torture and pain until only a blind obedience remained.

The sound of great leatherened wings slicing through air and rustling the tree tops snapped her out of her trance. A great body flew over, dark skin wrapped tightly around large bones. A black head with three large horns fixed to a serpentine neck that extended nearly twenty paces before ending at a thin, emaciated torso. Large legs ending in sharp talons, hung below the beast. A whip like tail ending in a barb thrashed through the trees as it passed. Sitting atop the wyvern's back, a Mytalen sorcerer scanned the clearing with its mind.

Silean had frozen. Her skin made hard as stone and gray. In the middle of the stream, a large boulder sat where she had just stood. She felt his mind probing for hers like a knife slicing away at her skin. Silean was losing her focus. The cold, the shock of seeing this great, winged beasts so close to her home and family. 'The smoke,' she thought.

A shrill cry filled the glade just past the streams bank.

'There you are little fish,' said a voice in her head. It was strong, ancient, powerful. Full of hatred.

Silean heard the great beasts wing beating to gain height. It was coming around. The rock in the stream became a woman again. Silean raced into the trees that lined the muddy bank. She heard the wings of the beast grow closer.

'Run little fish. I will catch you.'

Over roots and under limbs she ran through the darkening forest, away frmm the village. Briars and twigs tore at her legs. She made it over a steep ridge and tumbled through the brush, landing flatly on her back. Up through the canopy, she saw the beast flapping its large wings. It hovered directly above her.

'You cannot hide.' The voice penetrated her mind with the force of a hammer blow.

She collected her fear and turned it to a dark, seething rage. 'Leave me alone!'

Snap! The sound jarred her attention away from the beast above her. He had released the gorthum.

Silean searched the thick forest for movement. They would use surprise to gain the advantage. She had to be quick.

The sound of claws digging into loose debris on the forest floor raised the hair on her neck. Whirling to face the gorthum, she saw its dog-like hairless body hurtling toward her. The muscles under its loose skin moved like powerful waves. Bright red eyes full of hate and purpose met hers.

Preparing her counter spell, Silean twisted to meet the aberration. She closed her eyes, focusing her mind on her spell. As the magis left her, it coalesced into a silver drake. Large wings flared out as its serpentine head roared at the charging gorthum.

It hopped forward, expanding its scaled chest with a deep breath. A flash of intense heat met the gorthum. It squealed in pain, its flesh darkened and blistered. The creature dropped to the ground, howling as it burned. The drake jumped on to its side and dug sharp claws into its flesh. Black blood oozed from the fresh wounds. The drake ripped the gorthum's neck open with a mouth full of small, sharp teeth.

Silean heard the growl behind her. The crushing force of the gorthum's bite and the force of its heavy body in full charge pulled her to the ground. It was locked on her right leg. Large teeth sunk to the bone. It would never let go. The spell was made with only on purpose. Find and hold.

Screaming in pain, Silean swung at the gorthum. Her hand struck its face, but could not hurt its rubbery skin. It kept tugging at her leg. The skin was ripping apart as the teeth sawed through flesh and muscles. Her eyes rolled back in her head and darkness to clouded her mind.

The heat of the drakes fire awoke her. The gorthum was burning. Its pinkish skin bubbling and blistering. It had not released its hold. Her leg was caught in the drakes blast. The flame had turned her leg into a mass of sizzling skin and meat. Her scream filled the surrounding forest. The drake's mouth swiped at the gorthum's neck releasing a flood of black, tepid blood. The gorthum's grip finally relaxed and Silean crawled away from it, cursing. She kicked it once with her good leg to free herself completely.

The gorthum shimmered for a second and then dissolved into the ground as the magis of the spell was released. Silean was shaking. The pain possessed her mind.

'Impressive little fish. Are you ready to die?'

Ignoring the voice, Silean concentrated on her leg. It needed attention. She focused her thoughts and felt the warmth of the magis cover the wounds. The warmth turned to a searing heat. She bit her lip. The power of her spell would heal her body, but the pain of this would never fully leave. She could see the blisters disappearing, the blackened skin returned to a pinkish hue, and the torn strips of flesh rejoined each other until the wound was gone.

The drake squawked excitedly. It danced around in a circle, peering off into the trees.

Silean was exhausted. Her magis almost spent. She laid on her back in the cool moist dirt and fell. The ground swallowed her up. She saw a blast of green light and the tortured cry of her drake spell as it was destroyed by the Mytanel entering the clearing.

Down she fell, through the dirt until she found a colberr root. The Mytanel was coming. She could feel him, digging away at the ground, opening the forest floor like a giant wound. She embraced the colberr tree and was instantly absorbed into it. The Mytanel would never find her now. She stepped from the colberr tree near the stream where she had bathed. The sun was higher, and the smoke from her village carried the stench of the dead and dying.

Kitten Courna · 06-25-2004, 11:59 PM

Well done indeed. Your descriptions are solid, your characters and their magic (if I'm allowed to call it such) are foreign and somewhat mysterious, the action is well described and vivid. All in all, very well written.

Only a few small things stood out.

"A spark of the magis that kept growing brighter"

That particular fragment didn't sit well. It might as well have been a separate sentence or a joined clause. Simply a grammatical thing that you may or may not want to consider.

Also, it appears as though your scene is very quiet. The voices all occur in the heads of the characters, the scene is set as a peaceful one, at first, and the only noise is the grappling of animals (or spells). It felt strange to imagine a human scream in the middle of it. Not necessarily bad or out of of place, but to me, it made something about Silean more animalistic, that her only vocalizations were very primal screams of pain. If that's what you were going for, I'd say it's a very nice effect. I guess that isn't really a critique but more of a comment on style...or...something...erm...right. Well, it was cool.

Well done, all around.

-Kitten

ZouXiaoYu · 06-26-2004, 12:47 AM

From what I know, this is a excellant story. A few mistakes and things that do not make sense, however. This is a very strange description of magic and people. The mind magic is very interesting to read. It gives you a new way to look at things.

"Silean had frozen. Her skin made hard as stone and gray."

Somehow, that does not sound correct. Made hard as stone? ... ok...
Silean had frozen. Isn't it better to simply say that Silean Froze?

Magics was spelled wrong.

Magis is what you put.

Silean was exhausted. Her Magis almost spent.

Again, unless you have purposely rewrote magic as Magis (much like Mana, Ki, or Chi is a unit of magic in many stories) I would suggest revising that. I'm sorry if I didn't understand you fully. Also, what about Her Magis almost spent? That is an incomplete sentence. Replace the period with a comma.

Jack Wyvern · 06-26-2004, 05:49 AM

Thank you both very much.

I can certainly understand a certain level of frustration with exactly what I am doing here. As a prologue, I only wanted to introduce a few fragments of the story that should be well defined before this point (nearly 3/4 the way through).

'magis" is an energy that the mytanel use to power their highly advanced society. Instead of machines and electricity, they weave daemons out of spells from this magis to do things for them. I could as easily have called it butterscotch, but I think the reader would appreciate some familiarity with more well known science fantasy verbage.

I'm glad that "it made something about Silean more animalistic". Her people, the Thilens are more primitive and nature oriented. Telepathic, they rarely use voice to communicate.

Silean is different, of course. She knows how to use the mytalens sorcery as well as her own peoples druidic powers.

I will revise and correct the grammar. I mainly wanted to get some reations to the new ideas I am throwing out there.

Thank you.

Kermie04 · 06-26-2004, 08:39 AM

Jack~

I think you have done a fabulous job with this so far. I really liked the discription that you have used. I can't wait to read more.

[ot:9e5dacce51] How come you decided to shleve your other story? I thought it was great, I just didn't have the time to respond to it. Will you be going back to it in the near future? [/ot:9e5dacce51]

Jack Wyvern · 06-26-2004, 09:03 AM

Thanks Kermie. I appreciate the compliment.

As for my other story: I have reached an awkward scene and am not sure how to make the characters act. I could write around it, but without knowing exactly how I want them to react, I may be wasting my time. Until I figure it out, I am working on a new story that has been bugging me for some time. It really wants to be written.

rashadow · 06-28-2004, 10:24 AM

Question.

After reading your first chapter I was under the impression that the Mytalen would be a little shocked at such a display of force from a Thileen girl, not complimenting her efficiency. And when did she learn to do all this? This should not be a prologue but a part of a chapter. It's just too far into the story.

Unless of course (and I apologize if this is the case) this is just what you wrote to start with, you know, just to familiarize yourself with the characters, setting, tone etc.

All in all, I like it.

side note: If the Mytalen can do mind sweeps, and even read your thoughts, why do they not sense that Silean shares certain similarities with them. I thought of this because Silean was using her Mytalen power to sense the Mytalen scanning the area. If the Mytalen have been developing and using these very same powers for years, I believe that they should be able to sense someone scanning just as they do.

I might have explained that wrong, but you should be able to get what I'm saying...

good stuff.

just my opinion

sully474 · 06-28-2004, 11:18 AM

I liked the Prologue very much, but was really wondering the sort of a timeframe it is in. At first I thought that it was a flashback, but closer to the end of it I began to think that it was something that was happening in the present, or something that happened to somebody other than the protagonist and is being told more as a story. I'm sure that these issues have been resolved in one of the parts of the remainder of the story, but I wanted to voice them anyway.

Also the description of how Silean's magis healed herself is quite excellent. Normally in a situation like that you hear the it simply healed the wounds. Keep in mind that the reader is ignorant as to the ways that the things work with the magis, and the animals for the rest of the book and you have a definate winner going.

Jack Wyvern · 06-28-2004, 02:40 PM

Thanks for the replys. The prologue was an idea that I started and then changed after I had written it. I wasn't going to start from the birth of Silean, but thought that might clear things up later.

They do know she can use their magis spells. That is why she is so dangerous to them.

I have taken a look at where I'm going with this and I don't really like it. It seems like an old theme that has been overdone. I'm killing this story before it gets any further. I plan on working with the magis idea on something else. It is the only part I actually like about the story.

Thanks again for the kind words. They are all very helpful to me.

rashadow · 06-28-2004, 02:57 PM

Jack, every theme is an old theme that has been overdone. That's why we love em, because they are familiar. But when you put a new twist on something old, when you flip it, thats when it becomes something great. You shouldn't give up so easily...

Jack Wyvern · 06-28-2004, 05:02 PM

I know.... but I'm having a lot of trouble believing this one. If I can't believe it, how can I make the reader believe it?

rashadow · 06-28-2004, 05:06 PM

Do you have a problem commiting to one work for a long period of time. That's a problem I have. I get extremely excited about an idea, then I outline it in my head, flesh it out, add all types of concepts...and then get bored with it and discard it. or put it to the side promising I'll work on it again someday, but secretly knowing that I never will.

Do you have that problem?

sully474 · 06-28-2004, 05:34 PM

I have that problem, but I really do hope that you continue with this book. It was very interesting. Try reading another book that is sort of the same type and get some ideas from it.

My two cents on your post:
Do you think that J.K. Rowling had trouble believing that there were thousands of wizards in England who lived in a secret society. Do you think that when Lord of the Rings was written there was a place called middle earth and Hobbits existed. People are not going to really believe any fantasy book. They are going to read it for enjoyment and because they are interested in the topic that you have provided in your book. I know that from what I have read that I am very interested as to what happens and you haven't even really started to explain what was going on. I truly do hope that you continue to post it because there are some really great ideas in there and you describe everything ever so well.

Jack Wyvern · 06-28-2004, 06:08 PM

I may have that problem...

My feelings about this story are:
I have a great premise that I want to use in another story, but I lack the ability to translate it from thought to paper. This is a bastard form of the idea that uses a style I am more comfortable with, fantasy world with big creatures and meanies. My other story would be more of a time that mirrors our own. Spells would work for them like machinery and electricity works for us. I guess it just pisses me off that I can't get that story out of my head, and I have to rely on a bastard form of it that is far less interesting to me.

Maybe it's writers block... Most times, I can see a story from beginning to end. This story starts out well, but weakens in the middle and the ending fizzles. Nothing. I have no ending that works for me.

It might be worth saving, I'm not sure. If anybody has any ideas they wish to share that might start a spark and breath life back into this thing, please let me know.