Nanilli

I'd like to share this with you and perhaps get some opinions. I'm a little shy at posting my work for others to view, but I would love to receive any help to further my writing skills. This is the begining to a novel I am writing Branwen Council. It does have adult themes in it, so 18+ please.

Fires burning in torches brought minimal light into the galley as a heavy rainstorm lurked overhead. Its floorboards creaked as the vessel rocked in the waves of a black ocean. Dark figures of men kept steady at their posts, manning the cannons and oars.

“Hold her steady, they’re coming around the bow!” The Captain took his stance in a sturdy fashion, grasping at a post. His long ivory hair whipped against his neck and shoulders. A great elven ship turned to the front of the galley preparing for an attack. “Take cover!”

A trembling blast came from one of the ships cannons. In moments a gaping chunk of the galley had been blustered from its deck. Splinters of wood and clouds of dust sent a few of the men into coughing fits, another two had been knocked clear overboard. Lost in the blackness which held the two vessels in a dance.

Screams came from a woman on board the galley. She was different from the men as her skin was light and not dark. Her hands were bound behind her back and a look of complete horror consumed her. Her cries of dread were ignored by the crew, all save the Captain.

Thunderous blasts continued to eat away at the galley. “Fire at will!” The galley’s own cannons began to fire at the ship’s hostile advances taking down one of the sails and sending a three-foot hole into it’s side.

The Captain stepped over to the terrified woman. He held a guileful grin on his face. “Death’s hand shall come and take away those He sees fit. This day He shall spare you ...” Closer he moved to the woman. She sat on the floorboards whimpering, trying to get away. Her white dress was drenched with rain water and stuck to her pale skin as she moved. The Captain kneeled down and slowly whispered into her ear, “For thine art the creator of everlasting victory”.

He took in a deep breath of the salty air and grabbed her by her hair making her scream in pain. Forcefully he parted her legs and mounted her.

Blazing fires burned the galley as she crept into the icy waters. Silhouettes of men abandoned by the handful. A ladder dropped onto the sinking deck and several men boarded the dying vessel. They tore at the dark Captain, pulling him up off of the woman. He laughed in their faces as one stepped up and drove a sword straight through his stomach.

The Captain dropped to his knees. His eyes lowered to the blood covered sword that now rested in his mid section. His hands held the handle as he looked upward to the heavens and fell on his side in death.

Kitten Courna

A decent job on a prologue, I think. There were a few issues, but all in all you had action and imagery in mind in a good way. The focus seemed appropriate for the start of a story.

The few issues I had with it are a little hard to describe. While your prose was good, nothing lacking, it was very distant, sometimes simplistic, and the voice came across as striving for drama. While one could tell that you had good descriptions and a grasp of what you wanted to carry across with the action and scenery, it was presented in a very flat way. In your first paragraph:

"Fires burning in torches brought minimal light into the galley as a heavy rainstorm lurked overhead. Its floorboards creaked as the vessel rocked in the waves of a black ocean. Dark figures of men kept steady at their posts, manning the cannons and oars. "

You start out actively, which is good, but 'Fires burning in torches' comes across as clumsy if you read it aloud, or, as I often do, hear it in a narrator's voice(whether or not there is one..kind of a habit...). And that initial clumsiness makes putting the image together a little more difficult. That clumsiness is repeated within the next two sentences, except in a different sense. It is stolid description, one after another rather than a smooth description of a single scene. Fires burned, floorboards creaked, men stood. I suggest you try to blend them together a little more, or at least, spend some extra time setting the scene. The simplicity in certain descriptions continues to occur periodically throughout your prologue.

Also, there is some very dramatic action here. You do a good job on it, too. The shock accompanying each action, though, is rather blunted. The calm opening paragraph gives you a great opportunity to make the action burst abruptly, a good effect for the reader, but instead it comes without tension. Sea battles are notoriously laborious and slow things, when it comes down to it, but the tension followed sudden bursts of action is what makes them compelling. If you use that a little more, it would help create the mood you're pursuing, especially with the frightful and unexplained doings of the captain.

The captain is your most compelling figure in the story. His action is mysterious, his words are elegant and...er...evil-sounding, and his death is ignoble and sudden. All very cool. Well done there. Perhaps you should spend a little more time on him though. That's just a perhaps; I thought you did a good job as is.

A technical thing here and there:

"The Captain took his stance in a sturdy fashion, grasping at a post. His long ivory hair whipped against his neck and shoulders"

Try not to tell the reader how things look, at least in terms of adjectives like 'sturdy'; make your description such that the action as you tell it comes across as sturdy. Talk about how the ship rolls, but he stands with unusual calm, liked a fixed pillar or a mast or something. Also, 'his long ivory hair whipped against his neck and shoulders' is kind of a tride and true, romance-novel description. I think spicing it up would help to avoid sounding too cliche.

"He laughed in their faces as one stepped up and drove a sword straight through his stomach. "

Using words in phrases like 'straight through', 'just about', etc. weakens your description. Though it sounds good in conversation, it doesn't add to description. More compelling is the flat line description, the lack of literary frills making it stand out. Something like, 'He laughed in their faces, a manic glint of triumph in his eye even as the sword pushed through his stomach.'(I dunno about that example, but hopefully it helps somewhat).

"His hands held the handle as he looked upward to the heavens and fell on his side in death."

That sentences just sounds a little rushed, three different actions all going on in three different clauses. "He grasped the handle as his eyes rolled up to glare at the heavens, collapsing finally in death." It's not much cleaner that way, but an extra pause between actions often helps when there are a lot of things you want done in a single sentence.

All in all, like I said, it was a good story, and a good beginning. I hope you spend a little time with it. Often, the sorts of problems I found (piddling little style things), are simply because a writer felt rushed, or pressed, or simply had too much to say at once. If you take a little time with it, I'm sure it will flow more easily. Well done.

-Kitten

__________________
Cadmus: Poor child, like a white swan warding its weak old father, why do you clasp those white arms about my neck?
Euripides; 'The Bacchae'

Nanilli

Thank you very much for your lengthy reply. I never expected to get so much help. It's made me very happy to see how much members are willing to help one another.

You made a LOT of sense with how I bring across details and what I could do to make them come across in a more flowing (not flat) manner. You're right, I need to take my time and pay close attention to things like that.

I'll figure out a way to bring more attention to the Captain. He is actually the father of two of the main characters. He deserves more attention for sure.

I will be going back over it and posting an updated version when I get the chance. Thank you so very much!

Nanilli

After taking in your suggestions, here is what I came up with. Let me know what you think. I took out about 3 hours to go through and rewrite it.


Waves of dismal ocean cradled a galley of pine and bone, rolling it over caps, parting to offer its course to endless opportunity. It was here amidst this black ocean where man brought forth a new luminance within tragedy. Here aboard a vessel heavy-laden with dark figures, a rise to a new age began.


Furious storms overshadowed the vessel forming a drapery of mist, blanketing vision. Shouts rendered through giving orders, “Use yer deadlights, Lookout”.

“Aye!” A man remained standing, following through a spyglass slowly across the main. Firmly he held position in the crow’s nest catching a glimpse of something through the rain and mist. “Sail starboard bow ahoy!”

A Captain of great stature approached the bow peering through another spyglass at the incoming ship. “The chase is making full sail. She’s of Elven blood. Sound the bell!”

Warnings from the bell sounded throughout the craft raising tension from the first to the last of the crew. Piles of weapons placed strategically aboard the deck were now being cleared as members prepared themselves for battle.

“Man your stations!” The Captain armed himself with a cutlass and looked through his spyglass once more. Instantly fear washed over his face, “Take cover! Down! All hands down!”

Two thunderous blasts from afar sounded as the men dropped to the deck for safety. The galley shook with such force, barrels were strung out across the platform, men were sliding over wet planks groaning and shouting from injuries and fatalities.

“Damage report!” The Captain called out.

“Holding steady, two dead, four injured!” A call came back.

“Straight at them! Bring her in close!” As ordered, the men rowed the vessel forward toward the Elven ship. “Stand fast!”

“Hold your positions!”

“Hold steady!” The galley steadily drifted alongside the opposition. “Fire!”

Blasts erupted from the craft blustering holes into the opponent’s hull sending bodies into the depths of the ocean. Horrendous screams came from a woman below deck raising a guileful grin across the Captain’s face.

“Lolindir, take lead!” The Captain stepped cautiously over the bodies of his men and lowered into the hull below. Through his eyes he could see their captive in chains, huddled over in a corner. She whimpered at his approach. “Tell me. Where is your great council now?” His hand caressed her cheek gently. “Death’s hand shall come and take away those He sees fit. This day He shall spare you ...” The Captain kneeled down and silently whispered into her ear, “For thine art the creator of everlasting victory”.

He took in a deep breath of the stale death ridden air, forcefully grabbing her hair making her scream in pain. He laughed and relished in his actions while he parted her legs and mounted her.

A hush overcame the deck of the galley, its entire crew slain. Whispers in elven tongue danced about in the air and a loud thud dropped onto the deck. “Search for the captain...” Heavy bodies plummeted into the freezing waters, one after another, as groups searched through the vicinity. “Any sign of our lady?”

All looked lost giving negative responses.

“Sir, I hear something. It’s coming from the hull.” One of the elves pulled up a lantern and lowered into the sinking body of the vessel.

Whimpers and groans echoed in the emptiness followed by a gratified laugh. The Captain stood from his victim and turned to meet with a sword through his stomach though he felt no pain. He dropped to his knees grasping at the blood covered blade, looking into the eyes of his releaser, falling in death.

Rhiamon

Well done! I thought the first one was good, but the revised version, I think, is even better. Everything happens more realistically, and your awesome powers of description are...well, highlighted better somehow. The only thing I thought was sort of squishy was the Captain's death...

I'd take out the 'though he felt no pain' thing, because it seems like dragging out the climax, sort of.

He dropped to his knees grasping at the blood covered blade, looking into the eyes of his releaser, falling in death.

'Falling in death' sounds sort of like an unfinished action, not quite as final as death should be...something more like 'and succumbed to death' or 'and fell to oblivion' or something. Using a past tense verb instead of present, I guess.

Very piddling little things, though, because it's really very good; snagged my attention and interest right away. Niggling things are overshadowed by the greatness of the rest...

Emma LB

I really like what you’ve written, which is why I’m taking the time to write all this and critique your writing... it’s a very interesting story, I just feel there are a few places where it could be improved, but keep in mind this is just what I think. If you don’t like my suggestions, then just ignore them.

I'm not too sure I like these first sentences. 'Endless opportunity' for example. What are you trying to say with that? It's not very clear to me at least. Bluntly translated: The dismal ocean is parting and the ship can if it wants to follow a course to 'endless' opportunity. Seeing as it is captured by Elves it seems it didn't choose the course of endless opportunity.
I'm not too sure about luminance either. I know what you are talking about, and it seems you wanted to avoid 'light', 'shining star' or similar here, which is good, but luminance doesn't seem right to me. And are you saying that this new luminance was the result of a tragic event, that the whole world is tragic and the new luminance is created within this huge tragedy or that it wasn't the result of a tragedy, it just happened to come into existence (and this was a happy event) at the same time a tragedy was taking place. I think you mean the latter and even though the meaning of the sentence sort of becomes clear later on in the book, I still think it might be better not confuse the reader unnecessarily. These few sentences can still sound mysterious to the reader without confusing him. ‘a rise to a new age began’, what about ‘the rise of a new age began’?

, I don’t think rendered is the right verb to use here. To render means ‘to deliver’ or ‘to create’. The shouts didn’t deliver through giving orders, they travelled or journeyed through.

following what through the spyglass? Maybe following isn’t the right word. slowly scanning the horizon or something like that...

I think you mean ‘oncoming’.

You don’t need to use the passive voice here, the sentence might feel stronger if you used the active.

It seems strange to me how you changed from simple past to present continuous in the same sentence. If you just added an as (... across the platform, as men were...) or changed the sliding and groaning to past it would sound better I think.

if you mean ‘for you are the creator of everlasting victory’ then it should be ‘for thou art ....’ or ‘for your’s is the creator of everlasting victory’ then ‘for thine is ....’

What is this thud? What causes it?

you can’t have them speak in Elvish of course, but it’s good to have them speaking in a different tone of voice. ‘I hear something’ is good, but then you might also want ‘It is’ instead of ‘it’s’.

Someone else has already commented on the falling death bit...

I really like what you’ve written, it’s great , I really think it’s wonderful. I hope my comments are some help.

__________________
"You should be the change that you want to see in the world." ~ Mahatma Gandhi
(Avatar by geckzilla)

Nanilli

Thank you both for your helpful comments. Perhaps three time's a charm. I took everything into consideration. (I need all the help I can get). Let me know what you think. I am willing to change more if need be.

Waves of dismal ocean cradled a galley of pine and bone, rolling it over crests. It was here amidst this black ocean where tragedy once struck.

Furious storms overshadowed the vessel forming a drapery of mist, blanketing vision. Shouts traveled through giving orders, “Use yer deadlights, Lookout”.

“Aye!” A man remained standing, peering through a spyglass slowly across the main. Firmly he held position in the crow’s nest catching a glimpse of something through the rain and mist. “Sail, starboard bow ahoy!”

A Captain of great stature approached the bow glimpsing through another spyglass at the oncoming ship. “The chase is making full sail. She’s of Elven blood. Sound the bell!”

Warnings from the bell sounded throughout the craft raising tension from the first to the last of the crew. Members prepared themselves for battle by acquiring weapons from stacks placed strategically aboard the deck.

“Man your stations!” The Captain armed himself with a cutlass and looked through his spyglass once more. Instantly fear washed over his face, “Take cover! Down! All hands down!”

Two thunderous blasts from afar sounded as the men dropped to the deck for safety. The galley shook with such force, barrels were strung out across the platform as men were sliding over wet planks groaning and shouting from injuries and fatalities.

“Damage report!” The Captain called out.

“Holding steady, two dead, four injured!” A call came back.

“Straight at them! Bring her in close!” As ordered, the men rowed the vessel forward toward the Elven ship. “Stand fast!”

“Hold your positions!”

“Hold steady!” The galley steadily drifted alongside the opposition. “Fire!”

Blasts erupted from the craft blustering holes into the opponent’s hull sending bodies into the depths of the ocean. Horrendous screams came from a woman below deck raising a guileful grin across the Captain’s face.

“Lolindir, take lead!” The Captain stepped cautiously over the bodies of his men and lowered into the hull below. Through his eyes he could see their captive in chains, huddled over in a corner. She whimpered at his approach. “Tell me. Where is your great council now?” His hand caressed her cheek gently. “Death’s hand shall come and take away those He sees fit. This day He shall spare you ...” The Captain kneeled down and silently whispered into her ear, “For thou art the creator of everlasting victory”.

He took in a deep breath of the stale death ridden air, forcefully grabbing her hair making her scream in pain. He laughed and relished in his actions while he parted her legs and mounted her.

A hush overcame the deck of the galley, its entire dark crew slain. Whispers in elven tongue danced about in the air and a loud thud from a crossing plank dropped onto the galley’s deck. “Search for the captain...” Elvish men crossed the plank, boarding the craft. Heavy bodies were plummeted into the freezing waters, one after another, as groups searched through the vicinity. “Any sign of our lady?”

All looked lost giving negative responses.

“Sir, I hear something down hither.” One of the elves pulled up a lantern and lowered into the sinking body of the vessel.

Whimpers and groans echoed in the emptiness followed by a gratified laugh. The Captain stood from his victim and turned to meet with a sword through his stomach. He dropped to his knees grasping at the blood covered blade, looked into the eyes of his releaser, and fell to his demise.

ZouXiaoYu

I see. You weren't lying about the "adult concepts". Ok, I enjoyed it, but there are a few corrections that I'd like to make.

Waves of dismal ocean cradled a galley of pine and bone, rolling it over crests. It was here amidst this black ocean where tragedy once struck.

"Dismal" refers to the ocean... the meaning of dismal is: Causing gloom or depression; dreary: dismal weather; took a dismal view of the economy. Characterized by ineptitude, dullness, or a lack of merit: a dismal book; a dismal performance on the cello.
Obsolete. Dreadful; disastrous.

Basically, you're saying the "dreadful ocean", "obsolete ocean", "ocean that causes depression"... the problem is that I think it really is a bit clumsy... telling me it was a "dreadful ocean" means basically nothing. I'd suggest that you change it.

‘The galley shook with such force, barrels were strung out across the platform, men were sliding over wet planks groaning and shouting from injuries and fatalities.’

I didn't see too big of a problem, except that between force and barrels, I would have used a "that", between platform and men, use "and", and change "were sliding" to slid, and groaning/shouting to "groaned and shouted". Also, how can you shout from a fatality? That doesn't seem to be logical.

Good work, I enjoyed reading it, though it was quite short.

__________________
Unfortunately, I write from experience...

Students are both lucky and unlucky. We get free food and shelter, but we pay for that in horrific amounts of study.

Nanilli

On your notes about the dismal ocean. I wanted to describe the scene and using "dark ocean", "empty ocean", "whatever ocean", didn't seem right to me. Would you rather I just said Waves of an ocean? To me, that is bland. I wanted the ocean to seem mysterious, dark, dreary, depressing. I did know the definition already, but thank you for trying to help with that.

Next, I was unsure about the fatalities bit as well. I wasn't trying to say that the corpses were groaning and shouting, but that the men were in agony and shouting because of the dead that lay around them. Perhaps a reword would be in order.

And lastly, I believe you were looking at the wrong revision.

The galley shook with such force, barrels were strung out across the platform as men were sliding over wet planks groaning and shouting from injuries and fatalities.

I was trying to refrain for having to use that in this sentence. If others here agree that that should be added in place of the comma then I will look into changing it as well.

The story is short mainly because it is the prologue to a novel I have been writing. I actually have 8 chapters of the book already written out (more as time goes on). They just need fine tuning, like the prologue. One thing at a time.

Kitten Courna

One thing at a time indeed! So willing to work so hard! I'm impressed by both your fortitude and your persistence. Many would've lost the courage to keep posting after having so many critiques. Well done, there.

I hate to add to the list, because your improvement is so obvious. I defend your use of 'dismal' for the ocean; it is a unique view, almost one of personification, and it reflects the deeper mood of the characters and the scene. I'll make a few brief notes, because you're chugging along well as it is, any improvement after these revisions will likely come from your own reading experience and development.

Your captain was more compelling in the first draft. Though he has more action in the third and second, I have no idea what he looks like. He is as faceless as one of the sailors for much of it, and at least one of them has a name.

"It was here amidst this black ocean where tragedy once struck. "

I (and this really is 'I' in the most personal sense) avoid stating things like 'tragedy once struck' or 'such-and-such happened here' and 'once a great happening', etc., because it's such a mighty thing to say. If I'm going to state something that immensely, in a manner that says 'this should be known to everyone everywhere', I'm very careful to make sure that it sounds, looks, and is that important. What if you say something like that and the reader is unimpressed? Over-dramatizing (or sounding like you are) is usually a turn off.

All's well, though. Your action is a little more lively, your descriptions a little more vivid, and your situation a little more like a scene. I'd say you've done well improving, and I wish you luck with it. Don't stop until you're happy with it (which may be never. God knows that it's a possibility. Hell, I know that it's a possibility and I've got the hand cramps to prove it.)

-Kitten

__________________
Cadmus: Poor child, like a white swan warding its weak old father, why do you clasp those white arms about my neck?
Euripides; 'The Bacchae'

Rhiamon

Definitely dismal. Dismal all the way. I like the 'dismal'.
I'd just like to say...that this opening, despite all the revisions and critiques and stuff, is really, really good. And if I were reading it...and this goes pretty much for all the versions...I would be bloody well hooked.

Nanilli

My thanks to you all. I will continue to write the novel and maybe be able to post more on here. I appreciate all you have done for me.