When the Rain Stops -- "first" draft - WritingForums.com - Writing Forums, Writing Challenges, Critiques and Help for Writers

TempterOfFate · 06-17-2004, 06:37 PM

In my online portfolio @ writing.com is the unfinished, most recent copy of the book I've been working on since 1992.

Truthfully, I haven't done much with it in the past five years or so, aside from add a scene or two, and it's survived two or three corrupted floppy disks and a computer crash. The problem is I'm stuck. I have a fair idea of how I want it to end, but I can't get past this middle portion.

I have the good guy introduced to the love interest and we've met the bad guy and understand his motivation. The problem is I'm haviing trouble developing the relationship between the good guy and the love interest without sounding formulaic or hokie.

The ending I'm going for is the bad guy will discover the good guy has a grandfather living and will go after him. Just after the bad guy makes this decision, the good guy figures that out and races to beat the bad guy to his grandfather. At the grandfather's house a death-match ensues which the good guy naturally wins (with the help of a hero cop) and the good guy and the love interest live happily ever after.

I know I need some work around the bad guy a little. I'm giving the reader too much direct information and not enough inferences (e.g., stuff like "he gets angry" not "he turns red and balls his fists") and I think I tried a little too hard in one chapter to disguise who I was talking about (any ideas on how to do that better would be welcomed). Overall, I'm pretty happy about the work, but am just really stuck and need some assistance gettting out of the rut.

Feel free to either contact me through here or through my account at www.writing.com.

Thanks!!

Kermie04 · 06-18-2004, 07:28 AM

Hey~

I didn't get a chance to read the entire thing but from what I did read so far, it is very good. You have a really nice flow with your writing. This is definatly something that I will read to the end, but when I have some more time. Thank you for sharing that with us.

TempterOfFate · 06-18-2004, 10:05 AM

Thanks, Kermie. Believe it or not, the first six chapters pretty much wrote themselves. I just sat down at the typewriter one day (yeah, that's how long ago I started it) and just started typing. After a little while I had these characters and the start of what felt like a good story. The next six chapters I put a litttle thought into, but they also more or less wrote themselves. After that, I decided I really needed to give the story a direction and figure out what I wanted to happen, so I started giving the whole thing some more thought.

Originally every time I introduced a new technology I had injected an explanation of the technology. Several "reviews" from friends I had read it agreed the technoloogy explanations distracted from the story and broke it up too much. I hadn't decided to drop them entirely, but they were lost in one of the multitude of computer errors I've had during the life of this piece, so the decision was made for me.

The biggeest problem I've had with this whole piece is that I didn't really plan it out enough from the beginning. I didn't "blueprint" it. I just started writing to see what kind of junk was laying arouond up there.

Let me know when you've finished and if you can see a good way to get my characters to the desired ending. Naturally, any other ideas or comments you may have along the way are welcome.

Ozmandius · 06-19-2004, 12:42 AM

First, too many 'ly' adverbs. You need to do a search and destroy on those things. Secondly, and much worse, is that you shift tenses... a lot.

Basically it needs more work to be readable.

Oz

TempterOfFate · 06-19-2004, 01:46 AM

Too many 'ly' adverbs? Really? I'd always been told to be as descriptive as possible; paint the picture for the reader with words. Could you suggest some good alternatives, Oz?

I know I jump around a lot from past to present between characters and chapters, that's by design, but could you give some specific examples of where I'm tense jumping? Or is it the time jumps that are too distracting?

I really appreciate the input, Oz, I'm just trying to nail down some places I'm doing those things so I can decide whether I want to really tackle those things, or if I'm okay accepting your critique and just ignoring it as a difference in style.

I know that from some past reviews by friends that some of the things they pointed out, once they were pointed out to me, I also found annoying and made changes to account for and some things I liked my turn of a phrase and decided to just leave it as is.

Either way, I appreciate you taking the time to read it and provide some feedback.

Ozmandius · 06-19-2004, 03:06 AM

No problem. I'm more than happy to help out.

You are indeed correct that you should be as descriptive as possible. The catch is that 'ly' adverbs tend to do just the opposite. They paint in very broad strokes that lack detail and tell the reader what is there rather than show them. And it is detail, more than description, that you really want. I'll give you an example from your work:

Quote:

The fluorescent glow of the old tavern’s neon yellow and lime green sign gently lit the street corner.

How do you gently light something? Does it require tongs? Does the light need to be on a pillow? What? Now I can assume that what you meant was that the light had a soft and gentle quality. But by using the adverb in this way you modified the verb 'lit', and not the noun. A more effective variation might be:

The flourescent glow of the old tavern's sign lit the street corner in gentle hues of yellow and lime green.

In this example you can see that the description is on the color and quality of the light and not on the action of being lit. It paints a picture in the reader's mind of what that corner would look like, rather than simply telling them what is there.

Now for your changes in tense, it's not the flashbacks that are distracting. It's that you change tense from sentence to sentence and the paragraphs are not cohesive.

Quote:

The fluorescent glow of the old tavern’s neon yellow and lime green sign gently lit the street corner. Now, turning his back to the wind and rain, he quietly lights his last cigarette.

Here you start out with lit (past tense), and then switch to lights (present tense). It's very disorienting and throws the reader right out of the story. Also, with the exception of screenplays, I've never seen anyone use the present tense quite like this. A story has the general tone of a reminicence and should be written in the past tense as if it were a tale that was being recounted. But using past tense verbs does not place the story itself in the past, it is just how we are used to hearing stories. I believe that it's called the "past present tense" since it uses past tense verbs to describe a present tense action.

The flourescent glow of the old tavern's sign lit the street corner in gentle hues of yellow and lime green. He then turned his back to the wind and rain and lit his last cigarette.

With this you can see that even though I used past tense verbs, the story does not lose its sense of immediacy and still feels like it is happening in the here and now. Also, it no longer sounds like a story pitch to a studio executive.

Hope this helps

Oz

TempterOfFate · 06-19-2004, 10:41 AM

That's fantastic, Oz!! Explained, those are exacly the types of critiques I need. I'm definitely going to go on a search and destroy mission for the 'ly' adverbs trying to disguise themselves as adjectives.

I'm not 100% sold on the tense jumping yet though. I see what you're talking about now, but I also think it tends to make my style a little unique and I don't know if I'm ready to give it up entirely just yet.

I'm going to have to go through the story and seek out instances where I "tense jumped" and decide if I'm comfortable with it there or if I need it to be more conventional.

I'm nothing if not stubborn, but I'm sure in the long run I'll probably see things your way and get all of my tenses in line; especially if that's what's going to make me a better writer.

Any suggestions on getting the story moving again? Every time I try to develop the story between Jason and Amanda it sounds forced and all Velveeta-like...

Ozmandius · 06-19-2004, 11:34 AM

I'll have to go over it more later one since I just read the first chapter. I'll get back to you on it.

Oz

TempterOfFate · 06-27-2004, 02:03 PM

I hate to be a bother, but have you had a chance to read through it yet, Oz?

I'm looking forward to more of your insights.

Nazareth · 06-27-2004, 02:15 PM

Tempter- I sent you some quidelines that 'might' help- they show how to put together a coherent skeleton to work off from- it's a little confusing at first perhaps, but it wikll kind of give you directional lights to go by which you are free to develope any old which way ya choose- when I get stuck, it helps to see these things & it it's kind of an "Aha- of course" situation & opens up new roads to explore- I sent it in pm as it's a little long

Nazareth · 06-27-2004, 02:26 PM

Also, when writing a novel, to keep things coherrent & flowing, you have basically '3 acts' (Some have more, but 3 is a good readable format)

Act 1: Inciting incident (Something that the hero falls into & is forced to take action ie: The Heor is just going about their pwn business when all of a sudden they witness a suicide)

Act 2: The Hero reluctantly or willingly gets involved in the case of said suicide but runs into much trouble- mainly in the form of an antagonist- someone who is trying to prevent Hero from discovering the truth or from finding the key, or from saving the world, or from completing some kind of mission etc. Hero can become depressed during this act & just about give up- or become incapacitated or severely stymied whatever.

Act 3: Hero summons strength, counter-attacks Antagonist, partly succeeds- then gets thrown back, then summons the resto f their courage to complete the mission.

Now, there's obviously alot more in stories, but these are the basics. You'll be developping sub-stories within this main story, BUT make sure the sub-stories co-incide with the main story- Give your hero some sort of flaw that He/ She doesn't see (But the audience is aware of) and have the resolution of the main story include a 'growing-up' of the main character ie: they suddenly see their own flaw and resolve to conqure it- in so doing, they solve the main story as well.

The audience needs a character to root for & a flawed character will give htem this- they want the character to recognize their flaw and succeed.

Nazareth · 06-27-2004, 03:09 PM

one more thing- there should be 3 dynamic conflicts that take place nad cause the hero to find a solution- things that force the hero to go on- things that are irreversible.

for instance:

Man sees suicide- is asked to investigate the case- as he's investigating, antagonist tries ot prevent him from continuing- antagonist doesn't succeed, so he makes it a personal issue by attacking the heor's family- The police have told the heor to back off, but now that the antagonist has attacked the hero's family, the hero can't back off because the antagonist is forcing the hero to act- then antagonist forces the issue even further by kidnapping one of his family- now there is absolutely no turning back & hero must complete the mission. in the end hero discovers the antagonist was wroking for the Governor who had the antagonist shove the the 'suicide' victim out the 15'th story window because he knew too much.

Here we have the wrap up of the 'suicide' (Main issue) AND the resolution of the dynamic conflict all in one complete package.

This applies to all stories, not just detective-

NewWriter · 06-27-2004, 11:50 PM

Very good

Jason

Ozmandius · 06-28-2004, 12:11 AM

Sorry Tempter, didn't mean to slight you. But with a movie in pre-production, a book going out to agents, and two more projects on my desk, I'm kind of swamped.

Do you think that you could email me an outline with the problem areas highlighted so that I can get a general idea of where you need help?

Oz

PS. Just PM when you have the outline and I'll send you my email.

Praetorian · 06-28-2004, 12:17 AM

I really am liking it so far. I agree with OZ when it comes to the 'ly' s and descriptiveness. I'll tell you more as I go along.

Oz, wow...a movie? Sweet. You'll have to let us know the specifics on your book when it is published so I can pick one up.