Virtual_Rose

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Aevin

There are some good lines in here, and there's a lot of energy. I can tell you have a very strong imagination, which I've always believed can get you a long way no matter how you write. Fortunately, you are not lacking in writing ability either. However, I think this section feels way, way too rushed. You should slow down and explain a little more. Go into the character's feelings a little more, slow down the narrative. As it stands, this chapter feels more like a rapid progression of events that--to me as a reader unacquainted with your story--make no sense at all. Who is this woman? Who is this man? Why are we in a world of cloaked figures with scythes, and wherewolves, and strange names? Slow down and enjoy this scene more by describing more details, and through this, showing more about the characters and action. Do this, and I think your story will be much better.

A good line, and placing it so close to the beginning attracts a good kind of attention. However, you never explain this feeling in the body of the story.

Hilarious word choice! I've never heard the verb "un-straddled" used before! I like it.

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"Go to, like, greater adventures!"
--Din from Namco's Tales of the Abyss

Virtual_Rose

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Cora Windover

hm the conversation went too quickly... too much information revealed at once.... he got over the shocl of Xian being changed too quickly, though that one I can understand.... hm I think when he's telling her about what he represents, he should be more nervous about it

Also, you could play up the humor of him realizing it's Xian. Like, give him a really really big scare and then be like... "It's me."

Hm... me likey. Write more of yours, and I'll write more of mine =^..^=

__________________
Your father may be father to all the boys, but still...
He's not the man who sired you; so marry who ye will.

Proliffick ~.^

Virtual_Rose

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Virtual_Rose

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Virtual_Rose

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Cora Windover

coolio! I loko forward to more! I gotta run or I'd say more but... =^..^=

__________________
Your father may be father to all the boys, but still...
He's not the man who sired you; so marry who ye will.

Proliffick ~.^

Aevin

I like this one a LOT better. While the scene with Xian bursting in and the confusion and fun resulting from it might have been cool if edited, I like the way you did it in the second excerpt better. The dialog, instead of seeming rushed as it did in the first one, seems to flow naturally, and the dialects you used were very effective. The opening paragraph also made a successful attempt at going into the main character's thoughts with more depth. In short, you found out what was wrong, and you fixed it! Excellent job! Some have said that what makes a good writer is not the ability to write, but the ability to edit. Fortunately, you've got both. Keep writing, keep editing, and you will only improve more.

__________________
"Go to, like, greater adventures!"
--Din from Namco's Tales of the Abyss

Virtual_Rose

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Madsplatter

I hope you finish this, I must find out what Mr. Satan is up too.

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Theres a thin line between love and hate.

Nazareth

“Yeah, I hear’ya,” the blond pudgy one said, with a loud, cantanquerous [sp?] belch. “It’s a shame I ain’t got the money to learn me some magic, or I’d pr’tect m’self from th’war in a mag’cal castle in th’heavens.”

or:

Yeah, I ... baruuuup ... hear'ya," the pudgy one said, wiping his whiskars across his shirt-sleeve. “It’s a shame I ain’t got the money to learn me some magic, or I’d pr’tect m’self from th’war in a mag’cal castle in th’heavens.”


The thinner behemoth un-buried [lol] his finger from his nostril, pointed his empty glass at the second one, and replied, “Yer crazy! Y’can’t learn that magic stuff, yer too stupid!”

~~[saying “ burping in between ‘I’ and ‘hear’ya’. is a bit too much info-too much 'explaining' to the audience. It slows it down too much, makes the reader retrace to think of where the belch came in imo]~~

Virtual_Rose

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