Kermie04

Okay, thanks to the advice of some people on this board I decided to just try and write whatever I could. The basic storyline of this piece is that Andrea is about to graduate from college. This is a source of joy and turmoil for her as she is about to face another change in her life. Please give me your feedback on this as I have had a hard time writing recently. Anything thoughts/critisims you name it I would love to here. what did you like? What didn't you like? What needs work? What is good? etc etc etc. By the way this is only the beginning of the story. It is nowhere near completed. I am just stuck as to where to take it now. Thank you so much.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

" ... And life is a road and i want to keep going love is a river i wanna keep flowing life is a road now and forever what a wonderful journey".

These were the words that 23 Andrea wrote in her journal on the day of her college graduation. They were also the last words of her valivictorian speech.

It was hard to believe that the once painfully shy women, mediocre student was now about to become a college graduate with a sea of friends and be crowned valivictorian. Being reflective wasn't Andrea thing, but on this day she found herself drifiting to days long college hours of studying, to the countless hours laughing, talking, and just enjoying the company of friends. But now college was over; it was time for the real world. No more staying up until 5am because she had a paper due the next day; no more wild drinking parties; you know the ones that left you in the bathroom for most of the night. There would be no more roomate problems or "she hooked up with my boyfriend last night because she was highly intoxicated". No, this was the first day of the rest of her life. It was indeed a wonderful journey but that journey was now closing and a new journey was just beginning.

"Andrea, honey, its time to get going; you don't want to be late for the big day", came her mothers cheerful voice.

"Coming mom", Andrea said dismally. It wasn't that Andrea wasn't looking forward to to graduation and the future. Change just wasn't something that Andrea adapated to easily. It seemed as though everything in her life was changing. Just as she got used to one thing; it changed. Take the time that they had moved into the "big house". Andrea had just turned 8. Two months later her dad got relocated and they had to move across the country to Japan. Sure going to school in Japan had been interesting and exciting but it wasn't the same as being home in the United States. Change just complicated stuff in Andrea's mind; and she just didn't know how she would handle this change.

Allusearna

It's a good start, but I get the feeling of a whole lot of information being dumped on me.

You might re-thing the part where you say "No more..." etc, as it seems a little out of place. It might work better if these words were written in her Journal too. ie,

But now college was over, Andrea thought, it was time for the real world.

She picked up her pencil, and under the title of 'Real world', she wrote:

No more staying up until 5am because I have a paper due the next day; No more wild drinking parties; like the one at Sandy's that lefe me in the bathroom for most of the night.
No more roomate problems or "she hooked up with my boyfriend last night because she was pissed".

No, she thought, laying down her pencil. This was the first day of the rest of her life. It was indeed a wonderful journey but that journey was now closing and a new journey was just beginning.

I also feel that here information is being dumped on me, it's alright, and you could leave it as it is, but I feel it's not quite natural. Maybe it's just the 'Take the time' part.

Also, there were a few errors/typos:

But other than that, good start, keep working.

__________________
)0( I do not understand,
For all the good that I do,
All the love that I give,
I am judged, hated, hurt,
For the name of my religion,
And a star upon my breast. )0(
Tiro narn nîn

Needtoimprovemywriting

isn't it valedictorian?

Allusearna

I wouldn't know, I'm not American, but it sounds more correct...

__________________
)0( I do not understand,
For all the good that I do,
All the love that I give,
I am judged, hated, hurt,
For the name of my religion,
And a star upon my breast. )0(
Tiro narn nîn

Kermie04

Allusearna~

I really really like this. I think it does fit in nicely with the story. However, I need to ask your permission to use it in the story, because I don't want to copy from you. If you want me to just use the basic idea and change it around a bit , let me know. Or, if you are okay with me using it just the way it is, let me know also. Because they are your ideas, not mine and I don't feel right using your words without your permission. Thank you so much for your help though, and I will do whatever you want me to.

Love,
Kermie04

Allusearna

I have no problems whatsoever with you using it... I'm more flattered than anything else!
So use it as it is or change it, I don't mind.
Bt thanks for asking my permission, that is appreciated.

__________________
)0( I do not understand,
For all the good that I do,
All the love that I give,
I am judged, hated, hurt,
For the name of my religion,
And a star upon my breast. )0(
Tiro narn nîn

Kermie04

Thank you!! Also, you are very welcome about the permission thing. Honestly, I think it would have been wrong of me not too! Thank you for your help!

__________________
Love,
Kermie04