Dragonscales

Any thoughts? Feel free to comment



Malus wiped his brow as he looked at the field he had just finished plowing, perspiration dripping from his face like a cascade of dewdrops. He sat down on his plow as he petted the grey mare whom had helped him toil all afternoon and sighed. He was a humble man who had spent his whole life working his one plot of land, year in, year out, to make a meager amount to get by. The previous year had been particularily hard on the farmer though as the frost had played havoc with the potatoes which were his crop. This year however, the harvest would surely be merciful to him he thought as he looked up to the horizon, watching the sun slowly sinking into the mountains in the distance. His thoughts were broken by a sudden rumble from his stomach and he gave a chuckle as he stood up and patted the horse's ear. "Time for dinner I think Nell, c'mon" he said as he took hold of her harness and slowly began leading her from the field they had worked on all day "We'll move the plow tomorrow". A few steps later and Malus heard another soft rumble, this time it wasn't coming from his stomach though, it was from the direction of his field. He half turned and looked puzzledly behind him as his brow furrowed and face contorted into a frown. "What do you suppose that was Nell? It didn't sound like thunder, or anything else I've ever heard before for that matter. Oh well, let's get back home, I don't feel comfortable out here". The farmer turned once more and began to lead his mare up towards the little shack atop the hill that he lived on. It was begining to darken as they walked and it made Malus feel uneasy, Nell was also starting to show signs of being nervous as she whinnied and fought against her reins. Malus patted her neck and tried to sooth the frightened animal, it was then that he noticed something which chilled him to the core. The sky above the field was blackened by a multitude of clouds which swirled in a clockwise direction, almost like a giant whirlpool high above their heads. Sharp lashes of lightening flickered out of the clouds menacingly and there were a series of loud booms accompanied by a shrill whistling sound. Malus looked up in awe as Nell reared up, broke free of the frightened farmer's grip and tore off into the night. As he watched, the clouds seemed to move faster, swirling towards a centre point. Dark, menacing and evil Malus thought as he stood rooted to the spot. Suddenly in the core of the phenomenum there was a bright flash of blue light, from the ground to the centre of the clouds in the sky, then it was gone again. Malus fell back as he watched, his hands clenching the ground as he sat, unable to gain control of his body or mind, only able to stare at what was unfolding before him. Another flash of light tore through the night sky before fading away, all the while the clouds swirled faster and faster, then another flash of light, this one lingering longer than the others before disipating. Forks of lightening arching outwards from the centre of the swirling clouds where the black emptiness had formed and which was framed by the dark clouds. Again there was a blue light piercing upwards from the ground to the sky, flat and squarish in shape and, as Malus watched, began to grow outwards, gradually getting larger, consuming everything before it in an eerie pale blue light. Malus guessed that it must have been at least 100 yards wide now as it had engulfed his entire field and reached for miles upwards into the sky. As he watched it stopped growing and just stood pulsing with some strange energy, lightening crackling from it as it hummed. Never before had Malus felt such strong feelings of awe mixed with complete terror. Suddenly the humming stopped as did the lightening, the final result being a vast blue light with a huge width but no depth, as far as Malus could see there was nothing behind it, it was like a canvas upon which a painting is etched. The clouds also dissipated outwards until the sky was again clear and all was calm, Malus picked himself up off the ground and looked at the pale blue light before him, wondering what it was as he took a few tenative steps towards it. Upon reaching the base of it he realised that he couldn't see through it, even though it appeared to just be a light of some kind, he began walking to the side and looked behind it and couldn't see through that side either. Puzzled by this he reached out and touched it, his hand tingling slightly as it disappeared ino the light, he pulled back in shock at the sensation. Looking at his hand he didn't think anything bad had happened so put it in again, this time looking around the back of the light, only to see his hand hadn't passed through to the other side. He took his hand out again and stood wondering, unsure about what he was looking at here, he finally decided to sleep on it and take it up with one of the town mages the next day, perhaps it was caused by one of their spells gone wrong. Whatever it was, it gave him the creeps and he wanted it gone as soon as he could. Malus looked around wondering where Nell could have gone to and decided to look in her barn first before looking anywhere else as that's usually where she'd go when spooked. He began to walk up to the house again scratching his head and pondering about the thing in his field, he was about three quarters of the way when he heard another loud bang from behind him. Turning around he saw a strange man standing in front of the light pointing something at him, it was long and cylindrical in shape, as he watched another strange man walked out of the light, he too was holding one of these things. The first man turned to the other and said something to him then they both looked up at Malus and pointed the long things at him and again he heard a bang, then all was black.

__________________
To live in a world of dreams is to bring about a reality of nightmares. This world is not made for the eyes of the innocent nor for the ambitions of the wicked and happiness is far and few between. Be wary of joy for sorrow is but a footstep away...

swisstony

I have numerous problems with your style, and paragraphs would be good too These suggestions ought to illustrate where I'm coming from.

dewdrops seem fresh to me, clean, perspiration also seems like a 'hygienic' word. If he's been working hard ploughing, chances are he's going to stink, rivers of 'sweat', salty drops crossing his parched lips to collect in his grimy stubble, that kind of thing, I don't get the picture of a man who's just done some hard labour.

Show, not tell. How do you get across the fact that he's humble in the way he is? If you can't, or there is no further reason to know this about him, drop it from the prose, "Another year," he thought, "no closer to being able to quit this farm and retire/whatever.
'which were his crop is unnecessary, we'll get it from the fact he's ploughing.

I'm not sure that 'he said as he took hold' etc. is necessary, just 'He slowly began...'. Also, I'd be amazed, given his meagre income, that he would leave his plough in a field, such a valuable piece of equipment at harvest time, prone to rust in the rain no doubt, easy to pinch.
Puzzledly? "He half turned, frowning" gets the job done more or less as well with far fewer unnecessary words.

An extended dialogue with his horse? Perhaps ""What do you suppose that was Nell?" It didn't sound like thunder, it made his skin prickle." Introducing the skin prickling is a signifier that something's wrong, we all get it, so we know that something is not right when we read it

Notice isn't a good word here, it sounds casual, like 'oops, look at that, blimey that's chilling' Something that chills you would usually jolt you, stop you dead in your tracks, freeze you, hit you like a steam train etc.

There's not enough punch in your prose, here for example, 'stood pulsing' would simply be 'pulsed'. Then the bit with Malus having strong feelings of awe, this needs to be more visceral; strong feelings? A complete terror would numb the mind, empty the pants, make you convulse with attempts to breath, head throbbing with the pounding blood, eyes seared all that kind of thing. You're not describing the terror as it affects him, you're telling us that he is feeling terror. As a result, I cannot visualise what terror is doing to this man.

Well, I could go on, but you get the gist, look at how you're portraying stuff, this reads like an early draft, where you're getting it all down. It needs polish, it's clear you can see it all easily, but we're not there with you, we need your writing to make us feel what he's feeling, the writing doesn't carry that immediacy and sense of place.

Dragonscales

It is a first draft, I plan on going back and refining it sometime at a later date and was just wondering where people thought I should elaborate more or what they'd like to see changed thus far. Thanks for your input, it was helpful

__________________
To live in a world of dreams is to bring about a reality of nightmares. This world is not made for the eyes of the innocent nor for the ambitions of the wicked and happiness is far and few between. Be wary of joy for sorrow is but a footstep away...

gordon

As a reader this was poor no form no paragraph
Come back when you have it ready
So many mistakes and poor choice of words
No scene setting
And the format was terrible
At least make it look like a chapter out of a book
Not good to say the least
The story was predictable where it made sense and laughable elsewhere
You asked for critique and this is honest critique
No chance of a publisher even reading beyond line one as it is.
G

__________________
One thing in life is certain you wont get out alive