Dragonscales

O.k. I want to know what you guys think of this Prologue and if you think that it sounds like the book would be exciting or not. It's a mixture of Sci-fi and Fantasy. I am yet to paragraph it yet.




Prologue

Within lies the tale of an ancient struggle between two worlds, one driven by technology, the other a paradox world of magic and mysticism. Bound together by a portal, chaining them together like two faces of the same coin, both totally differant yet still one and the same. Talus, the technologically driven world, like a large machine in essence, the inhabitants forever striving to improve themselves and their home through science. Areon on the other hand had remained pretty much the same for many years before the opening of the portal, it's people living contented with the pace things were at. Sure there were a few advances in their lives now and then, like a new smithing technique or a breakthrough in magic casting and every so often came new ideas in farming, but in essence their civilisation had been the same for many ages. Upon Talus' surface rose vast cities with towering buildings, vehicles hovering and zooming everywhere the eye could see and great machines thundering about maintaining the cities in which millions of people drudged about their seemingly unimportant and droning lives. Talus was always changing as mankind's acheivments thrust their civilisation further and further into a future of mass production and highly efficient order, marked as always by it's leaps and bounds in scientific and technological developments and breakthroughs. Areon was and pretty much always had been frozen in time at a period which could be called medieval in layman's terms, her people, or technically peoples, spending their lives mostly in contentment, not feeling a need to change what has been for as far back as their records showed. There was a rich diversity in the races whom inhabited Areon, most dominant being that of humans, or at least what one would call a human, as it was unknown if there was any actual genetical link to those humans found on earth, alas, they existed on this quaint planet all the same. As well as humans, there were also Dwarves, Elves, Ogres and Orcs, as well as various other sentient species such as Goblins, Hobgoblins, Trolls, Gnomes and Halflings to name a few. Although the most spectacular and majestic beings inhabiting Areon would have to have been the Dragons. Towering high above the rest of the races and able to spout flames from their gutteral maws, these beasts inspired both awe as well as sometimes terror into the hearts of those whom were lucky enough to be in their presence. Talus on the other hand was inhabited only by humans and had once been a planet colonised from earth, although extremely far away, but that time had long past as ties between the two were severed and after much time both were forgotten of unto eachother as Earth had entered a series of cataclysmic events. Earth's struggle for survival and the acts which had led up to it and such, matters not at the moment though so, at least for now, the focus shall remain on the issues at hand, namedly Talus and Areon.

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To live in a world of dreams is to bring about a reality of nightmares. This world is not made for the eyes of the innocent nor for the ambitions of the wicked and happiness is far and few between. Be wary of joy for sorrow is but a footstep away...

Aevin

First of all, I liked your opening. You make it sound as if the following story is really a history of two worlds, a tome containing the story of real places and people. You make your story feel important, and invite the reader to continue and learn. It's a very workable opening, and more than a little daring. However, it, like much of the rest of this prolog, could be reworked to be more striking and effective.

To me, this section sounds too explanatory. I think a better way to begin would be to omit this section entirely, and have this information be gradually revealed through your character interactions, thoughts and conversations. While this information is interesting, its presentation is kind of dry. You could try envisioning your opening scene like a sweeping camera view in Star Wars, or something. Describe both of these worlds as if you are flying over them, and show the extreme contrast between the technological world of Talus and the medievel world of Areon. Your beginning should hook your reader, so give them some action. If you need to supply this information, try to do it visually, instead of explaining it all. While English teachers just about beat this phrase to death, the advice "Show, not tell" seems especially applicable to this segment.

Also, you should avoid using what is called "passive language," in which unnecessary words are frequently used to modify things in a sentence. Passive language will make your sentences unnecessarily long and cluttered. Many writers will use unnecessary additions in their sentence because they feel the need to be precise, but such passive language will usually slow readers down and confuse or bore them. For example,

The word "still" could be eliminated entirely, and the syntax could be reworked to make this sound less contradictory, less trite, and more concise. You might, for example, say, "...like two faces of the same coin, opposites inseperably linked."

The phrase "pretty much" is one of the most obvious examples of passive language. Is it the same, or isn't it? Your reader can easily infer that the world has changed a little, that it is not exactly the same. You can safely reduce your sentence to: "Areon, on the other hand, remained the same."

Here's another one. You could make the sentence more immediate and striking by saying, "Areon had always been frozen in time."

There are more examples of passive language in your writing, but I'm sure you can find them and fix them on your own. In some cases, less is more, and in writing this rule can often be applied. Revise this section and search for unnecessary words. Try to make your sentences as clear and brief as possible without removing vital content, and that would go a long way toward making this section better.

Please, do not feel like I'm picking on you. I believe that criticism is far more constructive than praise, and so I offer advice I think will make your story better. There is a lot of work to be done, but I'm confident you can manage it. Please, don't feel discouraged. Keep working, and I'm sure you can make this a lot better. It will be worth your time in the end.

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"Go to, like, greater adventures!"
--Din from Namco's Tales of the Abyss

Dragonscales

I don't feel like you are belittling or picking on my writing at all what you've typed is exactly the type of stuff I was after, constructive critisism. I do have to admit that I tend to like passive written work over active a little and that tends to lend itself to my writing at times. I think if anything, that is probably the biggest thing I need to work on in my writing, as I am kind of a minority in my like of passive works from what I've seen.

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To live in a world of dreams is to bring about a reality of nightmares. This world is not made for the eyes of the innocent nor for the ambitions of the wicked and happiness is far and few between. Be wary of joy for sorrow is but a footstep away...

Aevin

There is a difference between "passive language" and what you're talking about, I think. I prefer to see action, but your story could be written quite successfully without such visual candy--it would certainly work if you're really trying to make this read as a history. However, most of the unnecessary words I'm talking about are hardly a question of taste. A historian, for example, would not be so evasive with words.

I'm glad you like constructive criticism; that's an excellent attitude to have, and will get you further than chosing to be easily offended.

*chuckles* And, as you can see, I'm all too happy to give you what you want.

__________________
"Go to, like, greater adventures!"
--Din from Namco's Tales of the Abyss

Dragonscales

See, that is the dilema, I want it to read as both a typical novel series, but also on an epic proportion that spans several lifetimes perhaps. Finding middleground is kind of hard sometimes as I've never really seen anybody do the type of thing I'm attempting with this novel. I want it to be every bit as expansive and detailed as say Tolkien's works but also to be full of the type of action you'd see in other writing as well. Eventually there will be all kinds of stuff that I am sure even a fan of anime like youself, judging from your avatar, would appreciate. Being a fan of anime myself I intend to draw ideas from all my interests to form something hopefully unique and set apart from the usual out there.

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To live in a world of dreams is to bring about a reality of nightmares. This world is not made for the eyes of the innocent nor for the ambitions of the wicked and happiness is far and few between. Be wary of joy for sorrow is but a footstep away...

swisstony

dwarves elves ogres orcs.

yawn.

sorry, but can't you invent some diversity yourself? Are you worried about how original your work is going to be? You say you've never seen anybody attempt to do what you're doing, yet the world is mediaeval, populated with the above creatures. No prizes for guessing exactly what that sounds like.

If this comes across as harsh, good. If you want to create a piece of writing that comes from you, and from the various things you like, such as anime, you have to find a way of expressing all this that is unique, that will surprise the reader. As it is, you're just writing Tolkien fan fiction, which won't exactly fail to get published if well written enough, heaven knows fantasy is just one big homage to Middle Earth, but occasionally new stuff breaks through. If your goal is to write for pleasure and be consciously utilising what you love from Tolkien books, ignore everything I've just said.

Dragonscales

Sure, I plan to take tried and true formulas, but also add new things that nobody has done before, original ideas straight from my head. I feel that it's fine to take on a widely accepted idea and then stretch it to the very limits to create something that people can relate to, yet still be very, very different. People can sometimes be sceptical of "new" and "different" things if bombarded with it left right and centre. So I plan to wean readers into it slowly, starting with familiar things then changing the scope into original ideas. Just because the world I am creating contains elves, ogres, etc, etc, it doesn't mean I am going to focus the entire, or even the majority of the story on them. However, it does leave the door open to doing new things even with these well worn races if I so choose to in part of the book. As for the not seeing anything written like how I want to write it, you obviously didn't read what I wrote properly. I meant in the style it will hopefully be written in. I want it to flow fast enough to keep readers glued, yet still be descriptive and precise enough to keep people like myself who like to know every single little obscure fact about any given thing happy. I have yet to read anything that does both successfully.

__________________
To live in a world of dreams is to bring about a reality of nightmares. This world is not made for the eyes of the innocent nor for the ambitions of the wicked and happiness is far and few between. Be wary of joy for sorrow is but a footstep away...