scorpionhunter21

Here i am once again with something i have written. As before all comments, criticism, and adivice are welcome. Here we go:

“Hey...wake up. John wake up you fell asleep again.” Tom said slightly pushing on John’s head. “Ugh..right yea sorry about that.” he said with a groggy voice between his sleeves. John slowly lifted his head to look at Tom. Tom noticed that john’s eyes were bloodshot and that he was a pasty white. “Maybe you should go home and get some rest.” tom said to john while helping him on his feet. John walked towards the sink and poured himself a glass of water. “Ah great fresh water.” he joked holding the glass up like he had just given a toast. “But maybe you’re right. I should go home.” he continued.

John gathered his things and headed towards the front door. “I’ll see you around.” he said as he walked out. John didn’t quite hear what tom said because the door slammed shut behind him. John started to walk down the streets of Downtown Richmond. John thought he was going no where in particular but in fact he was headed down the so familiar path to the Old Man’s Pub. As he walked he remembered that Old Man’s Pub was a new building and that back when he was a young kid that it was really a candy store. As he walked john passed Hunter’s Moon, which was a local club where people who claim they are gothic hangout.

He stopped and looked through the club’s tinted windows. John saw noone of particular interest. So he decided to keep walking, he reached Old Man’s Pub and walked inside. The bartender looked up and nodded at John. “Give me a shot of 151 and a bottle of bud.” John said settling into the stool in front of the bartender.

The bartender set the shot glass and bottle down next to him. John reached his hand to the left and grabbed a handful of salted peanuts. As he was chewing he stared into the dark amber colored liquid. “Fuck it.” he said putting the glass to his lips and swallowing. As the liquid slid down the back of his throat it left a burning sensation. By the time it reached his stomach he had already ordered two more shots.

As the warm feeling of drunkenness soon swept over him. He sat there savoring his bottle of beer watching t.v. “Yo frank, turn the t.v. up.” john managed to say without his words being to slurred. Frank put down the glass he was drying and turned the t.v up a notch. “Three men were brutally murdered last night in the town of Winchester, Wyoming. Unfortunately the police have no suspects, but they were able to identify one of the bodies. His name was Kyle Rice. That’s all the news for this report. Now we turn to our weather department. The anchorwoman said turning to her right.

At that moment john stopped paying attention to the news and turned his back to the counter and look at the jukebox. Hoping for an alternate source of entertainment. While sitting there listening to the music john just realized why the name on the report sounded so familiar. “Well I’ll be damned.” he muttered to himself. Frank gave him a suspicious look, john just nodded and got up. “ I guess I’ll be going now frank.” john said waving backwards. He staggered his way to the door.

When he finally reached the door, a man of the bulkier variety who wore more cologne than any man should wear bumped into john. “Hey you fat fuck, watch where you’re walking!” john screamed at him. “Kiss my ass.” Clark retaliated. Clark then preceded to push john out of the bar and into the fresh midnight air. Without any rational thought john swung his right arm and his fist connected with Clark’s pudgy face. They fought for over thirty minutes until the police and ambulance came. During that period, Clark was able to smash john’s head against the driver’s side window of a parked car.

“Hey what’s going on here?” the officer questioned. “Well you see officer, me and that guy over there seemed to have a little disagreement and it got out of hand.” john answered while picking himself off the ground. “No shit it got out of hand. Let me see we have a broken car window, a guy with a fucked up face and another guy with his head and hands bleeding.” the officer said helping john the rest of the way. “Sir will you please come here. I have to check your head and hands.” an ambulance worker said. John looked down at his hands and realized that they were bleeding and covered in blood. “ will do.” john replied. He slowly walked to the back of the ambulance, where the worker waited. As john waited to get his head and hands checked he looked at the crowd that surrounded the fight. Some of the faces he knew and some he didn’t. He also knew that he was going to spend some time in jail but that didn’t concern him right now. All he wanted was to get his head to stop ringing.

When the ambulance worker was finished, the officer stood john up and handcuffed him. He situated john next to Clark “Ah we meet again.” john said jokingly. Instead of laughing Clark turned his head to look out the window. The cop got into the car and drove away. While driving john tried to close his eyes to ease the headache he was now acquiring. But to no avail the street lamps bright lights kept his eyes open. The officer took both of the prisoners to the holding cell. John walked in and saw the perfect spot to sleep since he knew he was staying overnight. When he finally went to sleep, he had a dream.

Leapord

That was pretty interesting. I want to find out what happens next, which is always good. In particular, I want to know who Kyle Rice is and how John happens to know him.

Ok, now for some critique

First, the grammar could use some cleaning, but that can all be taken care of while editing. As a note, though, you have a habit of writing fragments by putting a period where a comma belongs. For example: "While driving john tried to close his eyes to ease the headache he was now acquiring. But to no avail the street lamps bright lights kept his eyes open." This would work much better as "While driving John tried to close his eyes to ease the headache he was now acquiriing, but to no avail. The street lamp's bright lights kept his eyes open" There was another similar problem elsewhere in the story: " At that moment john stopped paying attention to the news and turned his back to the counter and look at the jukebox. Hoping for an alternate source of entertainment."

Second, a good rule of thumb is that only one person speaks per paragraph. I don't think it's an actual rule of grammar, but it's a good rule nonetheless. So your first paragraph should be broken up into something like:
This makes it easier for the reader to tell who's speaking.

Third, and a little less technical, it's probably not a good idea to mention Clark's name so early on. Since this story is being told mostly from John's perspective, your description shouldn't include anything that John doesn't know (such as Clark's name). Introducing such information makes the narrator much more visible, which isn't usually appreciated (Except in certain circumstances. Every guideline of fiction has exceptions). I don't believe that this is one of those exceptions though.

Well, I hope that helped Good luck with your writing.

__________________
Knowledge is power. Power corrupts. Study hard, be evil.
People would sooner die than think. In fact, most of them do. -- George Bernard Shaw
Leapord is my name, leopard is the animal.

scorpionhunter21

Thank you for your reply. It does help and in chapter 2 you'll know more about Kyle Rice and how John knows him. Thanks again for you comments and advice, they were greatly appreciated

Nazareth

Quick thoughts:

~~Lose the "slightly pushing on Johns head"- Have the dude just push his head- "ly" words weaken a scene alot of the time.~~

"Hey...wake up," Tom said, staring at his freind. He slid his chair toward the edge of the couch, bounced Johns head off the pillow, and said, "John wake up ... you fell asleep again.”

“Ugh..right yea sorry about that.” John said. He stretched his arms toward the ceiling, cleared his voice, and swiped at the drool on his cheek.

Tom took one look at him, and grimaced. John had bloodshot eyes, hair that would scare the dead, and a pasty white complexion that reminded him of an albino he had seen in his history books. “Maybe you should go home and get some rest.”

John stumbled toward the sink, poured himself a glass of water, and gulped it down in one swallow. “Ah great water.” he joked, holding the glass up like he had just given a toast. “I'd leave, but I seem to have misplaced my head,” he said.[/quote]

~~Try to use more discriptive words to describe scenes as I've done in the example above. Gives your characters more character. Try to describe sounds, smells, atmosphere, feelings etc. This will help liven up scenes a bit- but don't over-do it too much- just punch in some descriptive words here and there.~~

Leapord

[quote]~~Lose the "slightly pushing on Johns head"- Have the dude just push his head- "ly" words weaken a scene alot of the time.~~ [quote]
True. In general, you want to rely on nouns and verbs for your descriptions, not adverbs and adjectives. A descriptive noun is a lot better than a regular nound with an adjective attached. Same is true of verbs and adverbs. So, just use them sparingly.

__________________
Knowledge is power. Power corrupts. Study hard, be evil.
People would sooner die than think. In fact, most of them do. -- George Bernard Shaw
Leapord is my name, leopard is the animal.