JmK

Ok, so here's my problem, there is a particular scene in a story Im writing that really isn't important at all, but it's necessary to have as it bridges a gap between important scenes. However, it all seems so rushed, I've re written it like 10 times now, but every time I do it just sounds like Im saying
"And then he did this, then that happened, and then as consequence this happened. And then something else happened, then he arrived."

anyway, here it is:


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Ray disappeared to her room, seeking solitude as she usually did, Laidin disappeared to his room to get changed and return the clothes he borrowed from her. After a short breather, mostly to rest his arm after a days worth of being dragged around it, Laidin headed out. Knowingly kept his left hand on the wall as he walked through the halls, remembering where Ray?s room was. It still took him a while to remember, but eventually he was pleased to find him self staring at a familiar door with her name printed on it. Together they shared brief and mostly shy moment of intimacy with each other, the door reopened and Laidin walked out, giving her one last quick kiss as he went. When he left Ray nearly danced with joy, having fully noticed that she could let her emotions for him run wild and care free with out having any adverse reactions on her position. On the other side of the door, Laidin nearly danced with joy as he walked down the rest of the hall, having fully noticed he could truly be comfortable with her, and not have to worry about her trying to use him as so many have done before.
-----

What's your take on it?
Just so you know, Ray really is a girl, but she changed her name to Ray because her real name was agonizingly long. Ray for the first three words in her name "Rachel Azeriton Yelin" As for the phrase "on her position." She?s something of a captain in what?s left of Earth?s army.

Kimberly Bird

Hi JmK, this is a tough one because I feel it need sto be scrapped but you can't do that because it continues the story, so...
Why not stick with one point of view for this. It's confusing otherwise.

They seperated and sought out their own rooms to gather their barrings before they had to face one another again. It wasn't fear which drew them apart but the shy sweet afterglow of mutual understanding in all aspects of the newly awakened relationship.

And from there talk about what one of them is feeling before he or she confronts the other person.

Does that help?

Best of luck.

Kimberly

JmK

Actually, wow, that does help. Thanks a ton. I just went ahead and made the whole section in bold, my lil way of letting me know to go back to it, and continued with the story. But that works just so much better. I know how to go with it now. =P