Wrote this the other day - WritingForums.com - Writing Forums, Writing Challenges, Critiques and Help for Writers

Dragonscales · 05-16-2004, 01:33 PM

Wrote this the other day, just kinda blanked out and the fingers typed the rest, as is usually the way lol
I haven't really read it since writing it, just pasted it here and would like to hear some opinions. Bear in mind that it's only a very, very rough first draft and isn't complete yet...

All that is, shall come to pass
All that comes to pass has been
All that has been shall be again
Beyond that which hath come to pass lay the Twillight Gods
Their slumber undistubed for eons
Past that which hath been Their veil extended
Before all that shall be again the twillight Gods decended into Their torpor of madness
Deep within the sands of time they lay
All knowing
All seeing
All powerful
Yet totally powerless to embody Their will
Once rulers of all they surveyed, now entombed within Their minds
Unable to stir from that which They hath reaped
No longer the grace from which They fell
That which now walks where once It wallowed hath never known Their power
Before such things were nothing but mere bile seeking out Their own existance in a quagmire of filth
The Twillight Gods walked
Now mere shadows of that which They were
That which is imprisoned hath known what it was to live
That which is imprisoned yearns to live again
Unto those whom hath grown since the entombing They cast jelous looks
Unto those whom live are cast looks of hatred
Rage boils inside Their now empty hearts
Beyond that which Hath grown They sit plotting…waiting…
Waiting for the time when that which hath been shall be again
All around Their empty, lifeless husks there is movement
The movement of that which hath grown
Life
Forever just out of Their reach
Condemned to the coldness of sleep
The agony of undead living
The pain of Eternal watching
Reaching out with Their minds, but unable to grasp that which lies in front of Them
Upon the realm they watch, life bristles into being
Generations come and go
Entire species rise to greatness before passing away before the next dominant one
The speed of creation is swift to the Twillight Gods whom were once the only dominant force
Once the caretakers of that which they now behold
The chosers of what lived and died
Now powerless onlookers unable to intervene as life takes root and proliferates
No longer writhing scum eating muck
Life now began to defy that which would stunt It’s growth
Over millenia Life flourished, constantly creating and recreating itself into the peak of perfection
All the while the Twillight Gods plotted and schemed, now blind in Their rage
They knew
They knew that that which hath been shall come to pass
The Gods knew Their time was at hand

Virtual_Rose · 06-01-2004, 02:01 PM

Farror · 06-01-2004, 04:21 PM

Interesting poem, very long, it seemed almost dragged out. At one point you discussed the same issue for eight lines, which seems a bit excessive. At some points I got fairly bored, so it might help to either shorten the poem of spice it up a tiny bit.

Why where you capitalising the pronouns? Just out of curiosity? (eg. They, Them) Also, I notices you misspelt jeleaous at some point in the poem.

Other than that, I found your poem to be interesting. It could almost be made into a short story with a little more detail. In fact, the poem already seems a bit like prose, so it wouldn't be too much work, just add some meat to the bones.

I enjoyed it, good job.

Dragonscales · 06-03-2004, 03:20 AM

It was a bit of a rush job to get it typed before the mood passed farror, that's why there is a bit that needs fixing. I guess I capitalised the pronouns to emphasis them. I don't like sticking to grammatical rules to the letter, I think it adds flavour to writing if they are bent a little sometimes. I wasn't really trying for a poem either when I wrote it. It's like alot of things I write, just snippets of stuff that doesn't particularly mean anything or fit together to create anything. Guess that's what I get for reading alot of lovecraft lol