spartns11

Okay, this is the deal, i'm not a good writer, i'm only 17 years old and I really don't even know basic grammatical rules, my writing is sloppy and I know it is filled with problems but I am a good storyteller, I can think of interesting stories left and write and one of my favorite ideas is a book about a teenage serial killer. My problem is that I don't know how to put my thoughts onto paper and make it as interesting as it is in my head and thats why i'm seeking help. Since I am only 17 I obviously have a lifetime ahead of me to perfect my writing but i'm ready to start. I have attempted a beginning for the book and will post it below if you guys could please give me some ideas to make the writing more interesting and better then please let me know , thanks




Prologue
May 10, 2004




My name is Mitch Sullivan, I bury my victims in my backyard, so far all of my victims have been helpless squirrels, birds and rabbits, although I did kill a cat once, my most brutal murder of all. I have other plans for her though she made a fool of me. She embarrassed me in front of the whole school and now she’s going to pay, oh how she is going to pay.
Her name is Whitney, she’s smart and incredibly beautiful, with her long blonde hair that flows past her shoulders into her back, her eyes are as blue as the waters in Greece and you can see deep inside of them just the same too. Her body is perfect to, everything about her is perfect, at least it used to be until she made me the laughing stock of the whole school, but she’ll pay for that, I have plans for her big plans my biggest yet, ever.
I can hardly wait but I have to I know I have to, its to soon, it was only yesterday when she well lets just say when she signed her own death certificate. If she only knew then what she was doing she might not have done it she might have sparred me the embarrassment and I would have spared her life but its to late now, what’s done is done and I want revenge, I need revenge, I’ll have revenge.
I wont stop at Whitney either I have more enemies but Whitney, the love of my life is first. All I wanted was to for her to go with me to the dance we had been friends for so long, almost four years now or so I thought but I was wrong. I don’t know how I can show my self in that school ever again, stupid East High School, who needs high school anyway, lots of great successful people never went to high school, why should I? Oh well I’m almost done only three more weeks in this dreadful place and then the fun will begin.






CHAPTER 1
June 4th
Whitney Rhodes sat in American History half way listening to teacher tell the class just how much he has enjoyed teaching them this semester and how much he hopes they will succeed in college and so forth. Mostly, however, Whitney is thinking about the huge end of school party at Chip Bremmer’s house later that night. Whitney glances at the old clock positioned right above the classroom door, only twenty more minutes before she is out of this hellhole forever, just twenty more minutes of watching and listening to this bullshit before she was gone and off to college. Life at a big University has to be better than high school, more party’s more boys and best of all no annoying parents.
It wasn’t until right now on the last day of school that Whitney realized just how much Mr. Koenig, her American History teacher resembled a bird, with his long beak like nose and his little beady black eyes. She grinned laughing at both herself and her teacher; this is going to be a great summer.
Her happiness didn’t last long however when she saw him looking back at her, him being Mitch Sullivan, he wasn’t smiling or frowning at her, it seemed like he was observing her, monitoring her every move. What a creep, oh how she hopes Mitch won’t be at the party tonight.
Whitney hadn’t really minded Mitch until about a month ago when he freaked out on her, said she embarrassed him in front of the whole school, what could she do? She already had a date to prom and it was too late to switch dates, which she wouldn’t do regardless of when Mitch had decided to ask her. It was his fault anyway he was the one that decided to ask her over the intercom at school, not only did she say no to prom but Mitch was suspended for breaking into the principal and using the intercom. He wouldn’t have had to be embarrassed if he would have asked her like a normal person. She thought about how long she had known Mitch and couldn’t think of one other time that he had expressed any feelings for her and then all of the sudden he tries to become Romeo 2004. He has always been weird though, but the last couple of weeks have been the worst.

safari invasion

My personal recommendation would be to go a little more in depth about what the main character is feeling. Revenge is a rather common theme in stories, so instead of saying that he wants, needs, and will get revenge, go deeper. Go further, beyond that. Tell me how badly he wants. Describe it to me.
You might want to be careful having the main character stay in the same tone throughout your story. Saying that he hates high school and it isn't needed, that sort of thing, kind of makes him sound like the average idiot. Be careful with that. I'm not saying changing his opinion, I would just recommend going about expressing it differently to make him sound more intelligent and more capable of getting away with murder, because after all, that's the whole point, right?

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faking_sanity

well this is my first critique so bear with me...um...yeah, you'll need some gramatical work, and some spelling checks--but those are the basics which you can learn on your own, so i'll focus on content...
um...let's see, like safari said, it would help to go more indepth with your story, rather than say what needs to be said, describe to us what he's going through... 'i'm so eager right now, i can't help my trembling hands..." or something like that. i'm assuming that you will be shifting between a first person narrative and a 3rd person god narrative, beause that's what it seems you've done; the prologue is from mitch's eyes and the first chapter is from god's eyes.
the first chapter could use something...i'm not sure, because like in another thread, you shouldn't add fluff for a wordcount, but i think it could be expanded...
anyways that's all i could come up with...i hope that helps some...and good luck and can't wait to read more

JayJay-Sawada

I think you mainly need help in the punctuation and grammar areas. Like where to properly use periods and commas. Last year my teacher forced all of us to learn it...so, yeah.

Another thing is, "Oh, how should she pay?" 'Cause it's more of a question. And the opening sentence is a little long.

There should be a site with help like that...

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