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Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Australia, the Sunshine State
Posts: 174
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The Shadow - First chapter
This is the first draft of the first chapter of a story Ii am currently working on.
I am not that happy with it. I know the first pararagh needs to 'grab' you and I am fiding that this does not. it might be that i have read it a zillion times, or maybe it is just boring.
I would appreciate any help that can be given.
Thanks
Chapter One: Where Time Stands Still
It was a hot summers morning, and Marie and Maylena were bursting with excitement. They were now six summers old, and for the past year had been traveling just outside the city boarders with their father. But now they were grown up. They didn’t need their father any more.
“Really you two!” their mother scolded, while sewing a button to a dress, “you’re more jittery than a bunch of pixies! You’ve been out of the city before!”
“ But that was only with father” Marie pointed out “and only a little way”
“And now were going out with Andrlee and Andrlea” Marie’s Twanyea, Maylena added, “And were going for thousands of years!”
“Outside the city” sang Marie “where time stand still!”
Their mother just laughed, remembering her childhood and the excitement of leaving the city. As young children, the people of Annioalesiea stayed within the city. Time went slowly for them, and they spent their time splashing in the river, running across plains, stealing apples from orchards and making general nuisances of themselves. And of course, there were their studies. At the age of five, each Twanyea’s father took them out of the city. Only a little way though, and only during the day. At the age of six, however, they left the city for longer. Hundreds of years at a time, in fact, as time did not pass for her people outside the city and so they did not age. They did not go alone, of course. Older children between the ages of 14 and 18 would take them. Boys were always paired with boys, and girls were always paired with girls. This strange double partner ship was often referred to the ‘knights and the squires’. The ‘knights’, or the older children would wear blue. The ‘squires’, or the younger children would wear any colour but blue. The ‘squires’ would remain the ‘squires’ until they were ‘knighted’, more correctly known as gaining their Anneleshinship, usually between the ages of 12 and 14, when they would be able to roam the outside world on their own, until they obtained ‘squires’ and taught them about politics, fighting, and the blurred line half way in-between the two. They would continue this until they became an adult, as adults are inclined to prefer spending their time in the city, than dealing with the childish politics of the outside.
The Twanyea’s mother sighed and picked up another of Marie’s skirts, this one with a rather large tear in it.
The truth of the matter was, that apart from the general excitement of leaving the city, there were other reasons why the two girls were anxious to go.
Andrlee and Andrlea always seemed to go to the most exciting places, and meet the most exciting people. They seamed to also know every secret passage and hidden door way in all of the known world, and were quite willing to pass on their information to a new generation. But the grandest thing of all, was that they knew Annioalesiea. Not only that, but they often traveled with her! Marie and Maylena were very excited at the thought of meeting her.
The Twanyea’s mother gathered up her pile of mended clothes, and headed indoors. Most of the now mended items belonged to Marie. She was much more clumsy than her Twanyea. In fact, there were many differences between the two sisters. That was unusual. A mortal, looking at them, would probably recognize them as twins, but would be able to tell the difference between them. This was very unusual. Normally, normal people couldn’t see any difference between two Twanyea. But Maylena was slim, with long fair hair and blue eyes. Marie, on the other hand, was slightly plumper, had short light brown hair and had brown eyes.
Maylena took another bite of her Cosamellon. She took a deep breath and spat the pip.
“There!” she yelled “I got past the tree stump, see it you can beat that!”
Marie picked a pip from her Cosamellon sad spat it. It landed just past Maylena’s.
They continued this for another hour or so, until their mother called them in for lunch.
Lunch, as was any meal in Marie and Maylena’s household, was a rather large affair. Today was even more so. There were 11 sets of Twanyea in their immediate family, which meant that Marie and Maylena had 20 brothers and sisters. As Marie and Maylena were leaving the city shortly, their 14 elder siblings had come to farewell them. As Maylena looked around the table, she realized, for the first time, that she would miss here family. From her eldest brothers, Tayten and Toltene, who were currently involved in a spirited discussion with their father about dragons and which were the fiercest, and the fights that they had had with them; to little Dainyea and Dainyee, who were currently engaged in a deadly duel with toothpicks for swords. She would miss them all dearly. How old would the little ones be when she returned? Dainyea and Dainyee were now one year, 4 months and five days of age in Annioalesiean time, so that made them 352 years old in the time of the outside world. If she and Marie were gone for 500 years then they would be………. Maylena frowned. She had never been any good with sums.
“Almost three” she decided
“What was that dear?” her mother asked. Maylena just realized that she had spoken aloud.
“Nothing mother” she replied. “Just thinking”
“Well I want you and Marie to do some thinking this afternoon” she told them both “you need to decide on the colour you will be wearing to the place this evening.
“Yes mother” the two Twanyea sighed.
“Now you two” Marie and Maylena’s mother told them over the dinner table “I still need to iron your outfits for this evening, have you decided on what colour you will wear?”
The two Twanyea exchanged glances.
“Ummmmmmmmmmm……….. Blue?” they said in unison.
“Oh really!” Their mother scolded, “You know that you’re not allowed to wear blue! Blue is for the Knights and not the Squires.”
Marie and Maylena exchanged another glance. They were meant to have decided today what colour to wear, but they had spent the day discussing other things, interesting things such as dragons and wars and Annioalesiea’s sword.
Their mother shook her head.
“Well” she said, “you can wear red, orange, yellow, brown, green, pink, and any shade in-between”
“Not brown” Maylena said
“And not pink” Marie replied
“Or red”
“Or green”
“I say yellow” Maylena declared
“No you cant!” Marie protested, “Because I say orange!”
The two Twanyea glared at each other, each trying to convince the other one that their idea was the best.
“Why don’t you wear half and half?” their sister Inea suggested
“How about orange skirts and yellow tops?” Inea’s Twanyea Inee suggested.
“Sounds fair to me” commented Maylena, “what do you say Marie?”
“ ‘Spose so” Marie replied.
It was done. Marie and Maylena had finally decided what they would wear to the palace that evening.
Marie and Maylena walked in silence beside Andrlee and Andrlea. All four were dressed in traditional dress, bare feet, long skirts that reached down to their ankles, tops that were little more than material draped over their shoulders, crossed over at the front, and tied at the back. These were both made out of a light, silky material, perfect for summer, but unsuitable for winter. It was always summer though, except in bad times, so they had no need to fear the cold.
“Andrlee” Maylena said quietly “what will happen at the palace?”
“Well…” Andrlee said, “The queen will speak to you, unless you’re a boy, in which case………”
“Andrlee!” Maylena groaned “seriously!”
“Alright, alright already!” Andrlee said. “The queen will ask lots of questions, then you will be given your Annialee necklace”
‘Oh.” Maylena said. “Andrlee…” she began again, but she was hushed
“We’re nearly at the door!”
Standing on either side of the door were two ‘guards’, more for appearances than anything else. They were in their young 20’s and were also dressed in traditional clothes. For males these consisted of long breeches, which were joined to a long sleeved shirt. The shirt had a slit, which ran from the top right don to the waistband. The slit was laced together with thin leather cords, which were crossed again and again. As they were guards the pair wore thick leather boots with a dagger in the right one and a curved rapier at their left sides. As they drew closer, Maylena looked closely at their faces, then very suddenly had to turn a giggle into a cough. She knew these two men, Kaltana and Kaltene. Her eldest sisters Inee and Inea fancied them. Andrlee frowned at her then stopped in front of the door and began the entrance rite.
“Who art thou who entreateth entry into the royal palace of the King Dramyen and the Queen Allusanie, royal rulers of the city of Cellolapraphoreus and thy King and Queen whom thee must love and obey?” Kaltana asked in a very manly voice.
“And whom did appoint the King Dramyen’s and the Queen Allusanie’s ancestors to the throne of this city?” Andrlee answered. She and Andrlea knew the rite off by heart. Andrlee even said it backwards sometimes, though not on important missions such as this.
“None other that the creator of this city and Thy ruler, stranger, but Cellolapraphoreus appointed the King Dramyen’s and the Queen Allusanie’s ancestors to the throne of this city” Kaltana replied. He was obviously enjoying himself.
“And whom did authorize Cellolapraphoreus to appoint the King Dramyen’s and the Queen Allusanie’s ancestors to the throne of this city?”
“None other than the creator of all creators herself, the Divine Lady Annioalesiea. Doth thy accept her authority?”
“We accept the authority of the Divine Lady Annioalesiea and all who she places under her.” At that point Andrlee was always tempted to say of course she did, and that Annioa was her friend, but she knew better.
“Then speak, who art thou who entreateth entry into the royal palace of the King Dramyen and the Queen Allusanie, royal rulers of the city of Cellolapraphoreus and thy King and Queen whom thee must love and obey?” Kaltana repeated
“Andrlee and Andrlea, Knights of the city of Cellolapraphoreus, and our soon to be squires, Marie and Maylena entreateth entry into the royal palace of the King Dramyen and the Queen Allusanie, royal rulers of the city of Cellolapraphoreus and mine King and Queen whom all must love and obey”
“How may we know thee?” Kaltene asked
Andrlee and Andrlea held out their Annialee necklaces. “By these Annialee necklaces may you know us.”
The two guards inspected the necklaces.
“These are indeed Andrlee and Andrlea, Knights of the city of Cellolapraphoreus, and their soon to be squires, Marie and Maylena.” Declared Kaltene.
“Hail children!” Kaltana said, “Prithee, come to the royal palace of the King Dramyen and the Queen Allusanie, royal rulers of the city of Cellolapraphoreus and thy King and Queen whom thee must love and obey”
“And may peace abide with thee whilst thou remain in the royal palace of the King Dramyen and the Queen Allusanie, royal rulers of the city of Cellolapraphoreus and thy King and Queen whom thee must love and obey” Kaltene added.
“And may peace abide with thee also.” Andrlee replied.
“Then thou will pass through these doors.” Kaltana declared, and he and Kaltene swung the two doors open in unison.
The four were directed into a room where they could wait. Maylena looked around the room. The walls were made out of pearl, magically merged into one giant sheet, as all the important buildings were. The roof had white silks draped from one side to another. The roof looked like it was made of layers of material. Maylena looked closer. Contained in the brilliant whiteness of the cloth, were shimmering colures. More magic? These hidden colours were reflected into the floor, of which she couldn’t tell what colour it was. Or was it the other way round? Was the floor made up of all these coloures, and they were reflected into the cloth? She was just considering asking Andrlee, when the door opened.
“Her Highness Queen Allusanie will see Maylena now” a woman told them. Maylena rose to her feet and walked through the door.
“Queen Allusanie” Maylena said, curtseying in front of the Queen’s throne, and clasping her hands in the formal greeting- heals of her hands together at about chest height, her right hand pointing down and her left hand pointing up. The Queen clasped the hands in the same way, only lower.
“Maylena”
Maylena looked at the Queen, wondering what would come next.
“Are you looking forward to leaving the city?” the Queen asked her.
“Yes your majesty” Maylena replied
“How were your exams? Were you happy with your marks?”
The Queen questioned Maylena at some length, asking very ordinary questions, sometimes asking ones that were very similar to others, but not quite the same. Maylena had to think carefully about what was being asked before she answered.
“Now Maylena” the Queen said, “I want you to look into this orb for me, and tell me what you see. Maylena looked into the orb. She defocused her eyes as she had been taught, it was almost impossible to see anything but your imagination in the orb, but if you invited the orb into your mind, you could see things in your mind. It came slowly. It crept into her mind. A kind of peace. White, dove, sunshine, everything, and all rolled in to one. But then something began to slowly creep into the fabric of peace. Darkness. Evil. Everything but peace. The hate and suffering traveled through the veins of peace, her veins! It then waited. And it waited. The next part happened suddenly. The darkness that had lied in wait for so long unnoticed, exploded! It erupted into a volcano of hate, suffering, and injustice. A fiery volcano of evil. It was tearing peace apart! Maylena tore away from the orb. She didn’t know how she managed not to scream. When the Queen asked her again what she saw, miraculously Maylena told her calmly. No hint of the dreadful terror she had felt before. Queen Allusanie dismissed her and sent for Marie. Maylena sat waiting for her Twanyea to finish, seated between Andrlee and Andrlea, thinking.
Queen Allusanie tapped the fingers on the arm of her throne.
“I just can’t decide on a colour that will suit both of them!” she explained to Andrlee and Andrlea. Marie and Maylena were waiting outside. The stones in two Twanyea’s Annialee necklaces should be identical!”
“But Queen” Andrlee said, “Marie and Maylena are not identical, as far as Twanyea are concerned they’re as different as chalk and cheese.”
‘Black and white they are’ the thought was more than a whisper, drifting out of the orb and around the room. Queen Allusanie sighed. Then I guess that’s it then. Maylena will have a white stone, and Marie a black one” her two Annialee forges ran out of the room to fit the stones in the necklaces.
“I don’t like it though” the queen said quietly to herself, then, “I don’t like it one bit. Do keep an eye on them, won’t you?” she asked worriedly.
“Two eyes” Andrlee affirmed
“As often as we can spare them” Andrlea amended. “Times are changing”
“Indeed they are.” the Queen answered. “Indeed they are”
The walk home was a quiet one. Both Marie and Maylena were thinking about what they saw in the orb. Maylena was running her hands over her Annialee necklace. The stone inside it seamed to be made of the same material as the palace walls. A brilliant white. Marie’s was the opposite, but just as colourful. When you first looked at it, it looked black, but when you stared at it, you could see the colours hidden below the surface. Maylena didn’t like to look at her Twanyea’s Annialee necklace for long though. She didn’t know why. It gave her the creeps. Maybe because it was different to her own. She liked hers though. The smoothness, the colourful whiteness. It was very pretty. Maylena yawned. Tomorrow they would rise early. They had to pack! She would need a lot of sleep.
Maylena rushed to her Twanyea’s bed.
“Wake up! Wake up!” she cried, “It’s time to get up! Andrlee’ea are here!”
Marie virtually leaped out of her bed.
“Up! Morning! Already?” she said “oh dear, I need to dress!”
The two of them dressed in record time, and then rushed out to the courtyard.
“You two certainly took your time” Andrlee commented an they approached “the sun was up and waiting ages ago!”
“Sorry” Maylena apologized “Someone” she shot a glance at her Twanyea “overslept”
Andrlea laughed “we better get to work then” she said.
The four of them worked hard until midday, packing, ordering new boots to be made, and organizing clothing, food and weaponry. The tasks seemed endless.
At midday they stopped for lunch.
“Oh Marie!” Andrlea exclaimed an hour latter “you lost your whetstone? How could you?” Marie hung her head
“I didn’t loose it” she argued, “I just can’t find it!”
“Well go and get another one!” Andrlee told her
Marie sighed and went in search of another wheat stone.
“Owwwww” Andrlee complained. She stood up “Oh, dear me!” she exclaimed in a posh voice “Well I never!” she held up a whetstone “I swear I didn’t know that was there!”
The other two laughed
“Oh Andrlee!” scolded Andrlea “that is truly mean!” she shock her head “I swear you’re getting more and more like Annioa every day!”
“Will we meat Annioalesiea?” asked Maylena
Andrlee and Andrlea exchanged glances. Annioalesiea’s name was almost impossible to say correctly. Maylena had obviously been practicing.
“Probably” Andrlee answered
It was well into the afternoon when Marie returned, hot and grumpy, but she had a whetstone.
“Hello!” Maylena said cheerfully “there’s a drink for you over there. Andrlee and me wanted to drink it, but Andrlea said that we had to save it” Marie scowled at her Twanyea, but took the drink gratefully.
After a hard day of work, Marie and Maylena were finally packed. Exhausted, but excited, they thought they would never sleep. But their eyelids eventually became heavy, and before they knew it, they were both fast asleep.
“Get out of bed you lazy lump!”
Maylena sat bolt upright
“What……….who…” she said confused. Then saw Andrlee “Andrlee! Morning!” she then leaped out of bed, and started jumping on Marie’s bed.
“It’s morning! It’s morning!’ she sang, “Oh do wake up Marie! It’s morning!”
With this, and Andrlee’s laughing, Marie could do little other than wake up.
“So it’s morning” Marie said sleepley “as if I care………….” She stopped short “Morning! We leave today! Maylena! How could you sleep in?”
Andrlee laughed.
“Come on you two” she said, “if you don’t get dressed soon we’ll go without you!”
Under this great threat, the two Twanyea got dressed in record time, and were out in the courtyard, having had their breakfast not quarter of an hour later.
Nearly everybody came to say farewell to the four young travelers. Marie and Maylena waved goodbye to them all cheerfully. Even Queen Allusanie was there.
“Good luck” she said, placid her hands on their shoulders. “Listen carefully to words of wisdom and do not stray from the path of goodness, purity, truth and justice to the ragged terrain of Evilness, impurity, lies and injustice. Go, and may Annioalesiea and the Creators be with you.” She then kissed each of them lightly on the forehead.
They then turned and walked towards the gates. As they crossed the green fields surrounding the city, Andrlee began to sing. Maylena held onto her Annialee necklace very tightly, her fingers white. The world around them started to blur. Slowly the four travelers began to slide out of the lands of Annioalesiea, and into the outside world. Outside the city, where the time stands still.
__________________
)0( I do not understand,
For all the good that I do,
All the love that I give,
I am judged, hated, hurt,
For the name of my religion,
And a star upon my breast. )0(
Tiro narn nîn
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