ryan jennings

In our overalls, leather gloves and ski masks we stand silently against a wall, going over every detail of our plan we made the week before. One person dressed in casual clothes. Passing the crowbar to the person on my left, whose part in this, is to open the till and stash the money. The person on my right hands me a very cheap looking stun gun, reminding me that we’re all broke, then removes another from his pocket, giving it a quick tester. Sure enough the blue spark of electricity looks powerful, but will it work when the time comes?
Our plan was to heist the local off-licence. Not exactly a big risk, but still, we scouted out the place and wrote down all details, we even got into a very informative friendly chat with the owner about their security system. Knowing where the security room was meant knowing where the recording from the cameras were, therefore giving us an extra bonus of there been no recording as evidence when we had left. With this fact we were a lot more confident as we did not have to hide from the cameras, just hide our identities from the staff working there. We even give each other nick names in case we should need to communicate with each other. My own was Fred, the person on my right, Betty, on my left Barney and the person in casual clothes’ Wilma.
It was time to put our plans into practice. First of all we had one of us go in, dressed in casual clothing, to buy something and hang around outside until there was no one left in the off-licence. They then threw the change that they had just got near the wall we were stood at and casually walked off. As soon as we saw and heard the coins fall near our position we ran round the corner and into the shop. Putting the stun guns to the test, we quickly stunned the two staff behind the counter, closing the door behind us and turning the OPEN sign to display CLOSED. Myself, observing the outside of the off-licence while Barney, jumps over the till, prises it open and stash’s the cash in his bag and Betty removing the tape from the security system and depositing it in her coat. Wilma pulled up in the car outside just at the right moment; we removed our overalls, ski masks and gloves and put them in the bag with the cash. As we left turning the CLOSED sign back to display OPEN and leaving the door open we casually got in the car and drove off. It all happened like clockwork, no mistakes were made and we had the off-licence’s weekly profits.


Can you please give me your views on the writing above? Thanks. Ryan

ryan jennings

forgot to mention the fact that its only the start of my story. just wanting to know if im going in the right direction

Sneaky

Nice and easy start, the Flintstones on the rampage. I don`t know about the wording and the grammar though, it seems a bit forced and the tense? does not fit sometimes. Is tense the correct form? I mean present tens past tense and so on.

AdamR

I think it's a good start and looks promising. I would first suggest that you break it up into more paragraphs, as there is more than one topic in each. Also, let me poit out a few grammar errors, and that should be it.

This is a sentence fragment, and has no subject of who passed. You have the direct object of who it was passed to, but no subject of who was doing the passing.

I see you are writing in the present tence. While this is perfectly fine, here my idea for a rewrite.

"The person on my right handed me a very cheap-looking stun gun which remided me that all of us were broke, badly in need of funds. He then removed another from his pocket, giving it a quick tester."

These two sentences can be combined in some areas, and should be seperated in another. My idea for a rewrite:

"Our plan was to heist the local off-licence which was not exactly a big risk, but we still scouted the place out and gathered all the details. Through a very informative and friendly chat with the owner, we also gained valuable details about their security system."

"turning" should be "turned."

Same problem as above.

These errors are minor, and some of my suggested changes may not to be implimented. Remember, editing is your best friend. Reading your story out loud is a great way to catch some mistakes that your eyes will skip over.

Keep it up. Looking forward to reading the continuation!

__________________
"Excellence in all things, and all things to the glory of God."
- Motto of Coral Ridge Presbyterian Church

Caria

I would suggest giving the piece some emotion.
It seems very distant, like someone who is watching this happen and could care less is telling the story.

Despite that fact that is seems you are writing this in first person

"My own was Fred, "

what are his thoughts, feelings, his he sweating profusely? Is he nervous
or overconfident that nothing will go wrong?

Just a suggestion!

ryan jennings

thanks alot. just what i needed. i'll edit and and post the new version

ryan jennings

In our overalls, leather gloves and ski masks we stand silently against a wall, going over every detail of our plan we made the week before. All of us wondering how we came to be doing such a thing and dreadfully sweating from head to toe, except one of us, the driver, dressed in casual clothes with very little to do. I pass the crowbar to the person on my left, whose part in this, is to open the till and stash the money. I could only stand and wonder if everyone else was feeling as nervous and paranoid as I was at this moment in time. Before I had time to think about what I was doing the person on my right handed me a very cheap-looking stun gun which reminded me that all of us were broke, badly in need of funds. He then removed another from his pocket, giving it a quick tester. Sure enough the blue spark of electricity that appeared looked deadly, but how deadly was it?
Our plan was to heist the local off-license which was not exactly a big risk, but we still scouted the place out and gathered all the details. Through a very informative and friendly chat with the owner, we also gained valuable details about their security system. Knowing where the security room is meant knowing where the recording from the cameras are, therefore giving us an extra bonus of there been no recording as evidence as we made our departure. With this fact in our minds we were a lot more confident as we didn’t have to hide from the cameras, only hide our identities from the staff working there. We gave each other nick names for communication purposes. I was assigned Fred, the person on my right was assigned Betty, the person on my left was assigned Barney and the driver was assigned Wilma. As you can see we do actually have a sense of humour as we decided to use characters out of “The Flintstones” as our nick names.
“It’s time to put our plans into practice” Barney said. On that sentence we moved. First of all Betty headed into the shop as normal, bought something and hung around outside until she could see there was no one left in the off-licence. She then threw the change she had just been given near the wall where we were stood at and casually walked off. As soon as we saw and heard the coins fall near our position we ran round the corner and entered the shop. Putting the stun guns to the test, we quickly stunned the two staff behind the counter, closing the door behind us as we turned the OPEN sign to display CLOSED.
I am sweating from every pore and growing more paranoid every second whilst observing the outside of the shop for passers by. No doubt Barney feels the same as he is prising open the till and stashing the cash in the bag, counting on me to warn him if any problem arises. Betty is probably the most paranoid at this stage as she has yet to find the recording in the security room. She finds it and shouts “Acquired recording!”. I check the time, only to find that we are making good progress. Out of the corner of my eye I notice Betty going to help Barney empty the till into the bag. Next I hear Barney shout “Cash Stashed!” in his dry voice. Suddenly I am more relaxed knowing that we have nearly pulled it off. Wilma pulled up outside about 10 seconds later, right on time as we had taken less time than expected. We remove our overalls, gloves and ski masks and cram them into the stash bag. We exit the shop, closing the door behind us and quickly enter the vehicle.


I think i've sorted the tense out now and added a bit more descripton and emotion to it. i dont want to add too much tho because after all it aint a love story. its a straight to the point gangster story (well hopefuly will be).

Please post your ideas on this version.

Thanks

Ryan

AdamR

Excellent improvements! Great job. I didn't really notice anything wrong on first glace. Keep going, it's very iteresting so far!

__________________
"Excellence in all things, and all things to the glory of God."
- Motto of Coral Ridge Presbyterian Church

ryan jennings

hey, thanks alot man . thats just made me wanna write more now

ryan jennings

*****I can see the church and school down one end of the road we are near, both looking lifeless at this time of night. The road split into a fork just after the church. The school further down the road to the left of the fork. The right fork is blocked off by bollards at the end, but can be accessed from about 10 yds down the left fork. Presumably this is to stop people speeding down it. In between the fork are a hairdressers and a pub. Both forks lead to a main road. The other end of the road I could not see from where I was stood. I still knew that it was a dead end with another off-license at the far end of it. One thing I did notice was that all the houses on the street nearby had the curtains drawn in their windows. Obviously some people were awake in a few of them because you could see the curtains lit up by the lights in the room. The darkness was perfect for what we were about to pull off. ******
In our overalls, leather gloves and ski masks we stand silently against a wall, going over every detail of our plan we made the week before. All of us wondering how we came to be doing such a thing and dreadfully sweating from head to toe, except one of us, the driver, dressed in casual clothes with very little to do. I pass the crowbar to the person on my left, whose part in this, is to open the till and stash the money. I could only stand and wonder if everyone else was feeling as nervous and paranoid as I was at this moment in time. Before I had time to think about what I was doing the person on my right handed me a very cheap-looking stun gun which reminded me that all of us were broke, badly in need of funds. He then removed another from his pocket, giving it a quick tester. Sure enough the blue spark of electricity that appeared looked deadly, but how deadly was it?
Our plan was to heist the local off-license which was not exactly a big risk, but we still scouted the place out and gathered all the details. Through a very informative and friendly chat with the owner, we also gained valuable details about their security system. Knowing where the security room is meant knowing where the recording from the cameras are, therefore giving us an extra bonus of there been no recording as evidence as we made our departure. With this fact in our minds we were a lot more confident as we didn’t have to hide from the cameras, only hide our identities from the staff working there. We gave each other nick names for communication purposes. I was assigned Fred, the person on my right was assigned Betty, the person on my left was assigned Barney and the driver was assigned Wilma. As you can see we do actually have a sense of humour as we decided to use characters out of “The Flintstones” as our nick names.
“It’s time to put our plans into practice” Barney said. On that sentence we moved. First of all Betty headed into the shop as normal, bought something and hung around outside until she could see there was no one left in the off-licence. She then threw the change she had just been given near the wall where we were stood at and casually walked off. As soon as we saw and heard the coins fall near our position we ran round the corner and entered the shop. Putting the stun guns to the test, we quickly stunned the two staff behind the counter, closing the door behind us as we turned the OPEN sign to display CLOSED.
I am sweating from every pore and growing more paranoid every second whilst observing the outside of the shop for passers by. No doubt Barney feels the same as he is prising open the till and stashing the cash in the bag, counting on me to warn him if any problem arises. Betty is probably the most paranoid at this stage as she has yet to find the recording in the security room. She finds it and shouts “Acquired recording!”. I check the time, only to find that we are making good progress. Out of the corner of my eye I notice Betty going to help Barney empty the till into the bag. Next I hear Barney shout “Cash Stashed!” in his dry voice. Suddenly I am more relaxed knowing that we have nearly pulled it off. Wilma pulls up outside in the getaway vehicle about 10 seconds later, right on time, as we had taken less time than expected. We remove our overalls, gloves and ski masks and cram them into the stash bag. We exit the shop, closing the door behind us and quickly entering the vehicle.
****Heading back to Wilma’s house, in her Peugeot 205 Turbo Diesel that’s about as old as your oldest family member and feels like its going to split in half or crumble beneath your feet every time you get in it, we all feel as if we’ve just pulled off a bank job as the adrenaline rush from the whole experience starts to wear off. Suddenly we hear the whir off a siren and blue lights flashing behind us. My hearts sinks into my dark empty pit of my stomach and I feel like I’ve just been hit by a 10 ton truck travelling at 80mph. I look around the car quickly and see that everyone else looks as bad as I do. Just as Wilma is about to put her foot down and get us out of there, a speeding car comes shooting past us and so does the police vehicle, for a moment we thought the game was up. With this in mind we were all uneasy again and Wilma started driving quicker, the sooner we got to hers the sooner we were off the road and safe. ****

New additions. dont know if they properly fit. any suggestions would be much appreciated

hey ryan the story is sounding cool. I like the bit at the end where they think they are being chased by the police. It kinda shows u how nervous they are and that. The only bit i would change though is the "peuogot 205 turbo diesel" name. I try not to put like real car names in my stories as it kind of seems odd to me - Like it doesent really fit.

ryan jennings

its a short way o describing a car though and something people can relate to......like in that book you got me they mention the F16 and i know what it is straight away n stuff.......the peugeot 205 helps u imagine how cheapo n crappy it is (even tho ill end up wit one of them)