CrimsonDawn85

This is an essay about the person who has had the greatest impact on my life. It had to be 200 words or less. It has 198 words.



"If you work hard and believe in yourself you can be whatever your heart desires." I first heard that memorable quote as young girl who desperately wanted to be a veterinarian. Over the course of my life I've heard it repeatedly from my mother, Patricia Draper. Since than I've wanted to be a lot, but never once did I doubt my ability to succeed. I know that if I set my mind to anything it can be done. Mom has taught me this by the example of her life. She has accomplished much and has thrived in numerous careers. Time and again she has been to college to start a new career and has never failed.

My mother has had the greatest impact on me because she has taught me the finest lesson to be known. She taught me that no matter what I can achieve anything. Because I know this for fact in my heart I will never fail. I will become the great architect I dream of being because I believe in myself. My mother has made me who I am. She's made me believe in myself and that's the greatest gift I will ever receive.

__________________
"If the world didn't suck we'd all fall off"

Lily

In general, this is quite good for something with such a short word limit. There are a couple places that sound somewhat awkward- I'm starting to sound like a broken record, but reading things aloud REALLY helps in sorting out awkward places and catching grammar mistakes (there weren't any in this essay, but it's just one more reason why reading your own work aloud is essential). Good job! Just out of curiosity, what was this for? I was just wondering because this sounds like a college essay

__________________
Insufferable Know-it-all.

CrimsonDawn85

That's what it is. There's another essay that goes with it but I haven't even started it yet. Thank you for the advice. I hate word limits. The best writting I do is essays but not when there is a word limit.

__________________
"If the world didn't suck we'd all fall off"

CrimsonDawn85

I read it over and a question popped into my mind. In this line "Because I know this for fact in my heart I will never fail." should there be a comma some where? Or is it fine?

__________________
"If the world didn't suck we'd all fall off"

Lily

Hmm . . . I think there should be one after 'fact', but I'm not entirely sure. I'm almost certain your English teacher will know the answer, though

__________________
Insufferable Know-it-all.

Capulet

Aaaaactually, there's some grammar errors in there.

Suggested fixes:

as a young girl

Patricia Draper, my mother.

Since then I’ve wanted

This piece suffers from too many simple sentences. It reads like a seventh grade essay. If you're in the seventh grade then it's excellent. If not then I suggest placing some compound, complex and perhaps even some compound-complex sentences in it. Not only will it raise the level of the writing, but you'll find you can say a lot more with fewer words, opening you up to greater detail under your 200 word cap.

I probably sound gruff, it's been a long day. Overall the message is sweet. A little bit of tightening, some coordination, and some reading out loud will take it miles forward mechanically.[/i]

__________________
It's not opression when you are protecting the voice of the majority.

-Shawn