Gnomeling

hey all,
it's Saturday afternoon and i have nothing to do so i figured i might as well post this...tell me what you think.


—A STRANGER IN THE FOREST—
Chapter I

Feldor took a deep breath and turned about on the spot to take in his surroundings. It was a beautiful winter’s day in the Drumlins: cold, but undoubtedly beautiful. The night had left a glittering blanket of white snow over the land and trees. In the distance, he could see the white top of the Great forest, the usual sea of green had become white, with only specs of green here and there. The sun had not yet quite risen above the mountains to the north and the cold winds of the chill night still sent drifts of snow that danced gracefully over the rolling landscape.
Feldor was cold, colder than he could ever remember having been before. Underneath his moleskin cloak he was shivering uncontrollably.
“Gnomes shouldn’t be out in the snow, he thought, we belong underground where it is nice and warm.”
That is what he thought for he, being a gnome himself, and as such he hated snow and anything that came along with it.
In fact, not liking the cold and changing weather is one of the greatest reasons why gnomes are not talked of or known of through out the Old World. They mostly keep to themselves, purely content with staying underground in their vast cities and staying uninvolved with outsider’s affairs. They live very sheltered lifestyles, living off of their carefully tilled earth and just going about their day to day business, not needing to worry about what the weather on the next day would be like.
Though it is very rare in these days to ever see a gnome walking among the outside world, they were easily recognized by all those that were lucky enough to see one. If one were seen just walking among people like you or me, they would seem but little children, still to young to be out on their own. Even the tallest of gnomes stood no more than two and a half feet tall. The older gnomes tended to have a wise look about them, though the younger gnomes, those that were in their early twenty years still had a very young and innocent appearance. They also tended to be slightly pudgier than one would expect, having little desire to work and more need for food and drink gave the gnomes a nice bit of fat for the winter months.
Feldor was only a mere two and a half feet tall and, unlike many other gnomes he knew, he was rather thin. That being said, even just a foot of snow was nearly up to his waist. His ears, which were covered with a long black hat that hung down around his midriff, were small and even though they were covered they still felt like they were frozen. His face felt very much the same way, his nose was al red at he end and his cheeks were tingling in the frigid air. His moleskin mittens were not doing a good job at keeping his hands warm either.
It had only been an hour ago when Feldor was awoken in the very early hours of the day. He remembered himself sleeping peacefully in his bed, caring not about what was happening abroad, when all of the sudden two rather pudgy gnomes by the names of Ashlin and Ashlor jumped right on top of him.
Feldor had been the greatest of friends with Ashlin and Ashlor for as long as he could remember. They were twins, rather mischievous one at that. Feldor could never find anything that he had in common with the two and he sometimes wondered why they had remained so true to each other throughout the years. After all, it was the twins’ fault that they were out in the drumlins at such a dreadful hour playing in the snow. Even if Feldor wasn’t able to think of anything they had in common, he knew as a well-known fact that they had completely different opinions on snow. He did not understand what the fun was in throwing snow at each other when they were cold enough standing outside as is.
Feldor stood in the silence. He liked the silence. It was peaceful, and for a second he forgot about his hate for snow and looking back at the forest he saw how beautiful it looked in white. And then another thought came quickly into his head; he had not seen either Ashlin or Ashlor for quite some time.
“Where’d they go?” he thought.
And, as if he had asked aloud, Ashlin ran over the nearest hill, and following closely behind him was Ashlor.
“Watch out!” Ashlin’s voice cried from top of the hill.
Feldor looked up as quickly as he could, but before he could realize what was about to happen let alone react, a great big ball of snow and ice collided with the side of his head, sending his hat soaring off is head and knocking him to ground.
“What did you do that for?” he shouted as he staggered to his feet. He was now almost entirely covered with snow, which seemed rather funny to the twins, for they both began to laugh.
“All you have done this morning is stand rooted in your spot and complain. We came out here to have a little bit of fun, but obviously you haven’t,” began Ashlin, “What’s the use of snow if you can’t cause a bit of trouble with it?”
Feldor walked over to where his hat lay in the snow, brushing the snow off him as he did so, and said, “I’ve said before that snow is no good but neither of you two ever listened to me. The only reason that I am out here and not back in Undercity is because of you two. If you hadn’t jumped onto me I would not have gotten up out of my nice warm bed so early and I would just now be sitting down to a nice breakfast of blueberry truffle and tea. Instead, because of your strange fancy for snow, I am out here in the bitter cold with only the thought of that breakfast to keep me warm.” He picked up his hat in a disgruntled manner and brushed the snow off of it as best he could.
The twins had stopped laughing now and were staring at Feldor unblinkingly. Then Ashlin began to chuckle and said tauntingly, “Awe…is ickle Feldor getting’ to cold? You didn’t complain when we were leaving Undercity.”
“I was practically still asleep, an besides, you two wouldn’t stop talking long enough for me to get my say in,” Feldor pointed out as he roughly put his hat back onto his head. Ashlin was tossing a snowball up and down and catching it in his hand. “I should put that snowball down, Ashlin, if I were you because if you throw it at me I’ll let you have it.”
“Have what half-pint?” Ashlin asked as he looked from Feldor to the snowball then back again.
Feldor didn’t answer, for he knew that he hadn’t meant what he said. He had left the warm comfort of his home this morning in such a rush that he had forgotten his staff on his way out the door. With out his staff he knew that he was powerless against just one of the twins, let alone both of them at the same time.


you'll have to excuse the lack of structure because it's just cut and pasted so there aren't really any paragraphs. Sorry if it's difficult to read. Anyway, any advice input and opinions would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

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If gnomes could really exist...i would be one

Kitten Courna

Alright, I'm goin to do my best to be thorough *grin*

A very enjoyable piece. You have a good hand with your characters, and you introductory description was perfect for visualisation. I enjoyed reading the whole piece.

There were some rough edges, but I'll try and see if I can help smoothing them at all*smile*.

Like I said, your beginning was brilliant, very well done, but the bit, "cold winds of the chill night' seemed just a tad too lyrical and a tad too redundant. Maybe getting rid of the 'chill' might help, or even substituting a word for it(I was trying to think of one, but all I could think of was frosty, and I don't think that word it really much better).

Quotes: 'gnomes shouldn't be out in the snow,' he thought, 'we belong underground where it is nice and warm.'

You next sentence is rather tricky too, rewording might help. That is what he thought(change that phrase maybe, it's a little repetitive of the previous thought), for as a gnome himself he hated... etc.

The paragraph that sentence begins also seemed a little out of place. It was somewhat didactic, not really bad, just a little too much like an explanation. Perhaps if you made it part of Feldor's thoughts, or at least, in his thought style so that it flowed more with that previously mentioned beginning sentence.

You call 2&1/2 feet tall 'mere' just after you name it the tallest height to which gnomes can grow.

a ways down, there's a few phrases you can omit to make the action more sudden, like "let alone react"

And back up at the paragraph beginning, "Feldor was only a mere..." Get rid of the 'all' in the phrase, "his nose was all red," It looks a little unneccsary.

A very good story, gnomeling, well done!

-Kitten

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Cadmus: Poor child, like a white swan warding its weak old father, why do you clasp those white arms about my neck?
Euripides; 'The Bacchae'

gordon

capulet ?
why so hostile?

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One thing in life is certain you wont get out alive

Capulet

I wouldn't take Gordon's advice too much to heart. Considering you were asking for advice on writing, his own post should be evidence enough of the quality of advice he can offer.

I find the start of the story a little awkward. Gnomes are a fairly well established race in fantasy literature. I wouldn't belabour their description too much, except where you have to point out differences in your gnomes as compared to the accepted image.

The descriptive portion is nice, but I think it'd be better if you put it in Feldor's viewpoint. He doesn't like winter too much, so using the word "beautiful" and describing things nicely might not mesh well. You could use his description of the surroundings to help explore his sour mood, then use the twins to show that it's actually not that bad out. A little contrast works wonders.

You have a nice hold on the dialogue. I'm envious. Dialogue is definately my weak point, but I can recognize good examples when I see them heh heh.

Don't let the "what? twins again!" comment discourage you. The allusion doesn't hold water, in the slightest. I've read the Krynn series heavily and didn't draw and similarity between them. They never even came to mind. Write your story, and be mindful of the advice you accept, or criticism you take to heart.

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It's not opression when you are protecting the voice of the majority.

-Shawn