CrimsonDawn85

Hi! I would really appreciate some constructive criticism on this book I started writing. I guess what I really want is to know if it’s a waste of time or not. I hope you all enjoy it. Thanks.

Prologue

The Book of Life: Chapter of Darkness

When the time of Darkness falls upon Rowan the demons of the Underworld will be unleashed. At this time the four Elements must join. They must come together from the four outer continents of Rowan: Derco, Valca, Conar, and the Aquaian Isles. The temple of Jawna holds the Key. The Emerald brings forth Life. The Ruby brings forth Strength. The Diamond brings forth Wisdom. The Sapphire brings forth Hope. When the Elements join at the throne of Jawna the demons will fall. If the Elements do not join all will be lost and Rowan will never see the end of the time of suffering. All will be lost if the dark day passes and the jewels are not in place.

* * *
The rain played its sad tune on the roof of the small peasants hut as the Queen of Rowan screamed in pain. On this dark moonless night four young princesses came into the world. As the life started to fade in the queens golden eyes, she said goodbye to her children. The high wizard Jared Valanoor assured his queen that there plan was the right thing for all especially the princesses. He then handed each princess to a different man.
“You have your orders,” he said to them. “Do not fail.” The men in black nodded and departed. They mounted their horses and road in four different directions.
The aging wizard turned to the great queen that now lay weak and helpless on an old dirty cot. “Go now my Queen. Your King calls to you. Go to him. I will watch over your children.”
“Richard…” she softly whispered her departed husbands name and reached out in front of her to grasp his spirit hand. Jared watched as he pulled his wife’s soul from her body and into the heavens.
“Have no worries my friends,” he said to them. “Your children will survive and someday save us all.”

* * *

The Black Warrior led his mighty stallion off the ferry that carries travelers between Balamore, the main continent of Rowan, and Derco. Strapped to his muscular back was the vital package that was his duty to deliver. Just as he was about to mount the black beast he road a small hand grabbed his arm. He spun around swiftly, furious with himself for being caught off guard on such a serious mission. Before him stood a young woman with long curly black hair and cold blue eyes. On her small body she wore a flashy revealing gown.
“Would ye care ta spend a ‘ight with me sir?” she asked.
Without a word he shrugged her hand off and mounted the stallion. Into the dark night he galloped with only the stars to light his path. Just as the golden sun began to pear over the horizon he reached his destination. Quietly dismounting his horse he approached the peasant hut just outside the small town of Goldener in Derco. He removed the bundle strapped to his back and placed it on the ground in front of the door.
“Good luck young one,” he whispered to the sleeping princess. He returned to his stallion and road off to the horizon.
As dawn broke the residents of the hut began to wake. Jon Handle rose from the bed and stretched his strong stout body. He then leaned over the bed and slowly woke his wife, Rena, from peaceful dreams.
“Good morning dear wife,” he whispered and kissed her gently. “It’s a new day. Time to wake up sleepy head.” He smiled down at his love. Rena was a comely woman with soft brown hair and doe eyes.
Rena rose from the bed and went off to prepare the morning meal. Just as she placed Jon’s meal before him their son of two years emerged from him room wiping the sleep from his eyes.
“Good morn-“ Rena started to say but the soft cry of a baby interrupted her.
“Mama, is that a baby?” Grant asked.
Rena followed the sound of the cries to the door. Slowly she opened it to reveal a small baby girl lying naked on the ground. Green ivy wrapped itself gently around the infant. Spider moss tenderly clung to her skin in miniature webs. In her small palm she held a pink rose bud. When her bright green eyes focused on Rena her cries stopped immediately and a smile brightened her face. She held up her tiny hand offering the rose to Rena.
“Mama, she’s so beautiful,” Grant said. “Can we keep her?”
“Yes honey, we’re going to keep her.”

* * *

The second Black Warrior lifted his small charge into his hands as he waited for the ferry to reach its destination. He brushed aside the cloth covering her small face. She is so small and innocent and helpless, he thought. He stared at her some more lost in deep thought. She opened her eyes and stared right back at him.
“How are you suppose to save the realm?” he asked her. “You can’t even talk much less fight demons.” He sighed deeply and recovered her face. “I guess time will tell.”
The sound of the ferry horn reverberated through the night signaling the ferries arrival at Valca. The Black Warrior stood and gathered his charge. He led his horse from the ferry, mounted, and took off into the night.
Hours later he reigned in his horse when he approached the huge mansion just outside of Palo, the capital of Valca. He jumped from the stallion, careful not to make a sound. Mansions like this one sported man sentinels. Silently he scaled one of the many fire trees surrounding the place. He moved from tree to tree, unnoticed. He jumped from a tree just three feet from the enormous house.
“Goodbye my friend,” he whispered to the princess as he placed her in the flowerbed under an open window. He then took off into the night.
Hours later a young maid was cleaning the study when she noticed the open window. As she was going to shut it she saw the baby. She ran out off the study and down the hallway towards the breakfast room. Lord and Lady Wesmore where enjoying there morning meal when the servant girl ran in.
“What is it girl?” Lord Wesmore demanded of the servant. Panting she tried to explain. “Catch your breath first. I can’t understand a thing you are saying.”
“In the window,” she said. “There’s a baby in the window.”
“A baby?” asked Lady Rosa, startled.
“Come milady, come. I will show you.” She then led the Lord and Lady into the study. In the flowerbed lay a baby surrounded by singed flowers. The baby looked over at them and flashed them a mischievous grin.
“Our prayers have been answered,” Lady Wesmore happily sighed.

* * *

At that same time, miles away in the continent Conar, another baby was discovered. High in the mountain range, where the Skylar people live, was a small cottage of an old hermit. Old Jeremiah left his cottage to go in search of fresh moon berries to bake a pie. He almost didn’t see the small child that lay before him, nestled in the rocks.
“Where did you come from little one?” he asked her. She gazed into his eyes and smiled. Old Jeremiah could see the wisdom that lay deep within her light blue eyes. “Well, I guess you can stay.” He picked the baby up and went off on his mission for moon berries.

* * *
Domin Bercon slowly opened his eyes to the new day. He smiled softly and pulled his new wife closer. Yesterday, their wedding day, was the happiest day of his life. He smiled when he remembered how beautiful she was in her wedding gown. Careful not to wake Shine he slipped from the bed and dressed. Quietly he left the room to go about his morning chores. He went outside to go check on his waterdunes garden. He breathed in the fresh morning air and sighed contently. He loved his little island. It was located just south of the main island in the Aquaian Isles. As he approached the water he noticed a baby floating right in the middle of his garden. Afraid the baby no longer held life he hurried over to the shore. He pulled the baby from the water and was relieved to hear her giggle.
Domin returned to his home with the baby in his arms, not sure what to do with the poor infant. When he entered he saw his wife cutting fruit. He cleared his throat. “Shine,” he said, uncertain what to say. She turned around and when she saw the baby she fell instantly in love. No words where needed. The baby would stay.



Chapter 1

He looked up at the canopy of leafs overhead. The afternoon sun shone through the leafs and made them glow the bright green of Tonia’s eyes. Spider moss clung to the trees in elaborate webs of dark green. Birds flew in and out of branches singing their sweet songs of love. The thick carpet of dried leafs and twigs on the forest floor crunched under his feet as he searched for her. Where could she have gone, he questioned himself.
Just as he rounded a bend in the trail he saw her. Her long dark brown hair fell forward, covering her face as she knelt by a dieing poison berry bush. She wore a simple brown dress yet despite that she looked like a queen. Grant watched amazed as always, even though he had spent many years with her, as she reached out her hand to touch the plant. When her slender fingers touched a dying stem of the bush it began to grow and heal until it was full and green. Poison berries grew and ripened right before his eyes. He took a small step forward. A twig snapped under his boot.
Tonia jumped back and spun around as fast as she could. With her hand against her rapidly beating heart she scanned the trees. When her eyes came to rest on Grant she smiled softly. Grant was very handsome with his dark brown hair that had little gold highlights from the sun. Bright blue eyes stood out against his tanned face. Grant was always smiling or laughing which made him even more attractive.
“Hello Tonia, my darling,” he greeted her brightly. “I have been combing this forest for hours looking for you. Do you ever come home?” he teased. Grant loved to tease her.
“With you there?” she jokingly asked. “Why would I ever do such a thing as that? I would never find peace if I didn’t run away to the forest now and then.”
“Ha ha ha, my darling, very funny,” Grant replied and he boldly strolled up to her and lifted her in his arms. He hugged her tightly to him as he spun around and around until both of them were utterly dizzy. Laughing, they fell to the ground and held on to each other tightly until the world stopped spinning. Tonia then stretched out on her back and studied the canopy overhead. Grant propped himself up on his elbow and look down into her beautiful face.
“Tonia?”
“Yes?” Tonia looked into his searching blue eyes.
“I love you,” he whispered. Grant had loved this amazing woman for many years but he was always afraid to tell her how he felt. He was amazed that he found the courage to do it now but he had been holding that secret inside of him for too long. Just by saying the words he felt like a great burden had been lifted from his shoulders.
“Oh Grant,” Tonia flung her arms around his neck and hugged him tightly. “I have been waiting so long to hear you say that. I love you too!”
He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her tightly against him. He never thought this day would come. He never thought she would feel the same about him as he did her. He pulled back a little and looked into her eyes.
“Tonia, will you marry me?” he asked her tenderly.
“I thought you would never ask me Grant. I will marry you,” Tonia replied.
Grant kissed her softly then pulled her to her feet. “Come, we must share our joyous news.” They walked towards home through the forest hand in hand. There faces beamed with happiness and love. The trees grew less dense as the neared the small cottage they lived in. In the sky above was a thick cloud of gray smoke. They grew alarmed when it appeared to be coming from their cottage. When their home came into view they saw that the smoke was indeed for their house.
“Oh no Grant, the house is on fire,” Tonia yelled.
Grant ran to the cottage in search of his parents. “Mom! Dad! Where are you!” he yelled desperately. No answer came. Tonia and Grant worked together to put out the blazing fire. As night fell the fire calmed and went out. The house was just a smoldering pile of rubble. As Tonia look upon the destruction she heard a soft voice in the forest nearby. She went to investigate and found Rena lying on the ground horribly burnt.
“Mother,” she cried.
“Tonia, you must listen to me,” she rasped.
“Mother,” Tonia cried confused. “Who did this?”
“The Harn demons. They came here looking for you. Looking for the girl that makes plants grow.” Rena closed her eyes and let go of life.
“Mother?” Grant sobbed from behind her. Tonia stood and pulled him to her. He sobbed against her shoulder until he had no more tears left to shed.
“Grant, I must go,” Tonia told him.
“Where? Why?” he questioned.
“I don’t know why or where but I know I must.”
“I will go with you.”
“No,” Tonia ordered. “I must travel alone. I will return.”
“I won’t let you go, Tonia. It is too dangerous,” he said.
“I have to, Grant. Goodbye my love. I will see you again,” she said as a tear dropped down her face. When it fell on the dirt and rose grew and blossomed between them. Tonia gathered what supplies and money she could find, saddled her horse, mounted, and took off towards Goldener. Grant didn’t move from where he stood before the rose. He bent down and touched the soft pink petals, remembering the first time he ever laid eyes on Tonia. She was a tiny babe holding a small pink rose.

Guineapiggy

Ahh, familiar tales of prophecy. They're great fun to write

Your style is quite a good pace and neatly presented, something I find hard. I'm a bit all over the place, five thousand vague and pointless ideas flashing throuhg my head at once so I've gotta say I like that aspect. You also have quite good grammar so it flows easily from a technical POV, another prob of mine

If I was going to make a comment it'd be that you tend to force the character's emotions on the reader instead of giving them some nice imagery and metaphor and letting them decide for themselves exactly how the characters responded or sounded.

One example is:

“Yes?” Tonia looked into his searching blue eyes.

The first line of that could read;

"Yes?" Uttered Tonia, fixated.

The reader can then work it out and at the same time you can use some nice poetic language instead of blunt description.

I wanna read more of this though

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I'll sing along, yeah with every emergency. Just sing along, I'm the king of catastrophies. I'm so far gone that deep down inside I think it's fine by me that I'm my own worst enemy.

CrimsonDawn85

I can’t believe you actually complimented my grammar. English is my worst subject in school (and I want to be a writer because?). Grammar was my major problem. It’s good to know I must be improving on that part. Thank you though for the compliment.

I think my writing can be very boring sometimes because it’s as you say, “neatly presented”. I think I need to add some more thoughts and feelings, even if they are pointless. I believe that will make my characters seem more real. I have problems doing that though. I have little robot people and you always know what they are going to do and think. I’m very unpredictable myself but for the life of me I can’t even make my characters slightly unpredictable.

Thank you for pointing out about my forced emotions. I know I do that and I hate it but I haven’t figure out how to fix it yet. I also have problems with dialog. To me they sound strange. I could be wrong but I don’t think so. Thanks again!

Lily

Wow, what a long piece! My first suggestion is to rework the spacing so it's easier to read- I don't know about others, but when I'm reading online, I tend to get daunted by large chunks of tightly spaced text like this. Secondly, my first impression was that this sounds like Tolkien. Now here's the stuff I got after a more careful read through:


This is a pretty powerful opening- I like the pacing, though it does seem like other sci-fi/fantasy novels I've read before. Other comments:

1) The Emerald brings forth Life. The Ruby brings forth Strength. The Diamond brings forth Wisdom. The Sapphire brings forth Hope.
-the listing of the jewels seems pretty random. Is there some other way you could lead into it? Do the jewels come from the temple? Are they the elements of the four continents that you just mentioned? Rereading the paragraph I understood that the jewels were the elements you've just mentioned, but I think you ought to take out the previous sentence about the key being in the temple- that might eliminate some confusion.

2) If the Elements do not join all will be lost and Rowan will never see the end of the time of suffering. All will be lost if the dark day passes and the jewels are not in place -These two sentences are both confusing and redundant- I think you should keep it short and sweet, like this, perhaps: If the Elements do not join, all will be lost. In my opinion, that's all you really need, but then it's up to you, as it's your story, of course!

Other than what I mentioned, the prologue was quite good! The pacing was good and it left me intrigued and wanting to read more. I'll be back with comments of the rest of the story, I promise!

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Insufferable Know-it-all.

Guineapiggy

Trust me, as long as the general structure is there and the sentences flow well it doesn't matter. Many popular authors have terrible grammar excepting that so you'll be fine. Wouldn't hurt to work on it though but the same could be said for almost any work here.

Lily

Okay, now for the rest of the story:

1) The high wizard Jared Valanoor assured his queen that there plan . . .
-in this sentence, you need their, not there. 'There' designates a location, 'their' is possessive.

2) They mounted their horses and road in four different directions.
- 'road' is what the riders would be riding on, 'rode' is how they'd be traveling. In this case, 'rode' is what you need

3) Jared watched as he pulled his wife’s soul from her body and into the heavens.
-This sentence is awfully confusing. who is the 'he' that's pulling his wife's soul from her body? Is it the Queen's husband? Jared?

4) Just as he was about to mount the black beast he road a small hand grabbed his arm.
- Once again, you've confused rode with road. Be careful with this; maybe it would help you to remember that a road is what the king's men rode on.

5) Just as the golden sun began to pear over the horizon he reached his destination.
- pear is a fruit, peer is the act of looking, most of the time sneakily.

6) Rena was a comely woman with soft brown hair and doe eyes.
Rena rose from the bed and went off to prepare the morning meal.
- this is a choppy sentence that needs to be reworked- it should read something like this Rena, a comely woman with soft brown hair and doe eyes rose from the bed and went off to prepare the morning meal. Perhaps you should leave off with the description entirely, or mention it later in the story- I think that may be what's making the lines awkward.

7) Just as she placed Jon’s meal before him their son of two years emerged from him room wiping the sleep from his eyes.
-him should be his, since you need a possessive pronoun. Gosh, I can't believe I've forgotten all my grammar reasons! Anyway, just trust me on this- him should be his.


I'm afraid that's all I have time for at the moment- I'll try to finish reading the story. So far, I think it's really good, I'm dying to know more. Keep up the good work!

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Insufferable Know-it-all.

Guineapiggy

Wow, my girlfriend used to pick on me almost as bad
Nah, those are good points that could be eliminated with proof reading, I made 1000s of them being what I am even though I know better. On a bad day I have even been known to miss-spell my own name...

Kri...
Ker...
Cri...
etc.

Either way you did give a detailed proof read to his work, a highly valuable service. I think I'm gonna enjoy this place

Anonymous

I have to say that this caught my attention straight away. I would certainly like to read more. Interesting plot and characters. You describe things well, so I can really visualize the scenes as they unfold. Very nice.

My only criticisms would be;

1. the proposel, which seems to go way way way too fast. If this is a hard thing for Grant to do, I'd like to see it drawn out a little more. But then again, I'm always a sucker for romance.

2. Her refusal to allow Grant to go with her. It was a little too unclear why she wouldn't let him come along since just a second before they were planning on spending the rest of their lives together. I think a bit more explaination of that would be helpful.

Other than that, it's fab! Please post more as you write it. I think you've got a terrific start!

JenJoyful

duh! I keep forgetting to login first!

The above Guest comment was mine

CrimsonDawn85

Lily,
The first comment you made about the randomness I agree with but that was kind of what I was going for. If it’s too confusing though I’ll re-word it. And you were right about all the rest of it. I hate proof reading. I don’t even do it when I write an essay for school. Thank you for doing it for me.

Guineapiggy,
Either way you did give a detailed proof read to his work, a highly valuable service. Um, it’s her not his. Honest mistake.

Jen,
Thank you for the advice. I’ll take that into consideration.

Guineapiggy

haha, sorry mate

Lily

Crimson, I totally understand, but experience has proved to me that proof reading is priceless! I'd also recommend reading your story out loud to yourself, or, if you feel comfortable enough, to others. That could also work wonders

*Will be back with more comments once I'm out of class. Argh*

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Insufferable Know-it-all.

Lily

Okay, more comments:

1) He brushed aside the cloth covering her small face. She is so small and innocent and helpless, he thought. He stared at her some more lost in deep thought.
-I would suggest reworking this sentence so that it flows better. Here's how I'd write it (but remember: it's your story, you make the decisions. These are just suggestions ) He gently removed the cloth from her tiny face. She is so small, he mused, and continued studying her, lost in his thoughts. I think small is generally associated with 'innocent' and 'helpless' in this case, so you don't really need the other two adjectives. Also, I believe thoughts are supposed to be italicized to separate them from the rest of the text. I don't know if this is true or not, but that's just how I've been taught.

2) “How are you suppose to save the realm?” he asked her. “You can’t even talk much less fight demons.” He sighed deeply and recovered her face. “I guess time will tell.”
-another sentence that needs a bit fixing-up. First of all, 'suppose' should be 'supposed', and there needs to be a comma after 'talk' otherwise that sentence will be run-on. The phrase in purple seems like a non-sequitor to me- I suggest reworking it, but I don't have any suggestions on how to rework it. Also, usually the line is 'Time alone will tell'.

3) The sound of the ferry horn reverberated through the night signaling the ferries arrival at Valca.
-'ferries' should be 'ferry's'

4) The Black Warrior stood and gathered his charge. He led his horse from the ferry, mounted, and took off into the night.
-Honestly, I'm a little confused by this sentence- did the Black Warrior actually go on the ferry? Was he supposed to? Did he change his mind?

5) She ran out off the study and down the hallway towards the breakfast room. Lord and Lady Wesmore where enjoying there morning meal when the servant girl ran in.
-this could be combined into one sentence to make it sound less choppy. Also, 'where' should be 'were', 'off' should be 'of', and 'there' should be 'their'. Here's how I'd rework the sentence: She ran out of the study and down the hallway towards the breakfast room where Lord and Lady Wesmore were enjoying their morning meal.

Unfortunately, that's all I have time for at the moment . . . will be back later with more . . .

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Insufferable Know-it-all.

Guineapiggy

You're a helpful masochist my friend, you know that? It's gotta take up a bit of time producing some good proofreading like this... so... you wanna start a publishing business with me?

Lily

What on earth does masochist mean? The dictionary says that it has something to do with taking pleasure in sexual humiliation, but somehow I don't think that's what you meant, or anyway, I hope that's not what you meant!!

But sure, Mr. GuineaPiggy . . . I'll start a publishing business with you, why not?

By the way, Crimson- I hope it doesn't sound like I'm picking on you, because I'm really not- it's just that those sort of mistakes stick out at me whenever I read any piece of writing. My friends don't call me the grammar police for nothing, after all!

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Insufferable Know-it-all.